Curse-ed Chitown

I was on a panel on Tuesday in Chicago. I decided, since we are on a travel ban, to fly in and out thus saving hotel costs. I wake at 4am, shower, fall asleep in the shower, wake up again, dress, and head to the airport. I arrived 20 minutes prior to departure as I do not believe in the 2 hour rule especially when not checking bags. Plus its not like Bradley is O'Hare! But I'll get to that part later. I get to the gate and take my place by the window and settle in to read some email. The woman announces the following information: The long runway at bradley is closed, as of this morning, and the plane plus fuel plus passengers is too heavy to lift off from the shorter runway. So, we ask, what is the solution. The airlines could either get rid of 35 passengers or take off with half the fuel load and fly to Buffalo for refueling. They opt for the latter.

We wait, we board, and the pilot says - well Buffalo did not like that idea so we are going to take off on the heretofore closed construction laden runway. Ok I say and promptly fall asleep. We land in Chitown and I pee and get a coffee (finally) and head to the Go Shuttle which is set to take me to my destination. Again, I check email and write some texts. Within 5 minutes of take off, the driver begins talking into his ear piece. His voice is not yet raised but of course I can hear everything as there is no privacy window in this van. You know I am listening to the conversation right? It is not hard because at this point he starts yelling about why his premium has increased by $30 a month. He does not understand why the premium would go up almost a year after a ticket. He said he was not speeding but he did make an illegal left hand turn a month ago. Now I start getting nervous because well I do not like yelling and I was basically hostage (with 2 others) in the van. He then mentions that the ticket he got was for reckless driving - but its not like he killed someone!!!! Are you kidding me buddy? I was ready to do the tuck and roll out of the car but I really needed to get to the conference, so I sat and listened and shook my head and thought about 20 ways he could kill us and dispose of the bodies.

I arrive at the site and proceed to my presentation room. I settle in and meet the other panelists - one is from my institution - and we talk about the line up. I knew itwass a mistake as soon as I meet the woman who decides she has to go first. She bogarted 45 minutes. I spoke for 90 seconds because I wanted the group to have time to ask questions - i'm selfless! ;) We get through the presentation pack up and my colleague and I decide to grab some lunch. She suggests Cafe Park Grille or something like that. It looks posh and I am starving. I order the ceasar with salmon and it looked and smelled great when it arrived. The salmon was cooked perfectly. PERFECTLY! I start eating, we are talking and if you have seen me eat you know that i was eating the lettuce and saving the perfect salmon for last. I get 1/4 way into my salmon and I decide to start taking from the opposite side from which I started. (I'm down with the O-C-D!)
I crack open the side with my fork and there it is staring at me.

A DARK HAIR! In the middle of my fcuking perfect salmon. Needless to say I was horrified and sent the meal back. A manager came over and said, I hear you have a problem with your entre, would you like a replacement. Let me think - well, only if you bring me a cup of chili with a finger in it....NOT!!! She did however, bring me a little plastic dish with finger desserts - not great by the way. not great.

So, colleague and I head to the airport. We check in and she attempts to remove her lap top from her carry on. NO laptop - yeah, she forgot it. An hour later we finally got someone at the conference to look for the laptop (she would have had to stay in Chicago as we were on the last flight). We finally relax and get to the gate ... gate change. And recall we are not in Bradley but in O'Hare which means we had to go through the lighted tunels to the furthest terminal and the last gate. Not suprising given the day.

My flight was uneventful - although I did crack up laughing at Plum Spooky. My colleague however sat next to a record producer which was wasted on her because she doesn't know many star names. alas.

And today - by luck of technology, I maxed out the passwords on my blackberry and the whole phone was wiped and scrubbed and I lost everything! EVERYTHING! So, if you are in my circle - send me your numbers because of course I didn't back anything up on-line. - why would I need that.

As my facebook friend said ... "girl, you are a mess lately."

new blog

I have created a new blog - www.karandjessplanawedding.blogspot.com and well, that is going to get some air time since I feed it into facebook - and yes, friend me because I need new mafia wars members!!!! Hook a sista up!

FCUKING BROILER!

I decided to make nachos today. It was L-word day with Rosenbaum and I decided to make nachos. Now you might be wondering - what Kar, you had cheese and nachos? And I am here to tell you that we over shopped for jdog's bday celebration and had extra nachos and I am officially a member of the grocery shopping population. Yeah - Jdog has many good influences on me. Back to the nachos.

Spiderman2 is on and basically the movie allowing us to get settled into our Lword and trash talking kind of day. I make a wonderful 3 layered nacho dish. Just chips and monterey jack and cheddar. I make this in one of our new casserole dishes from my mom and dad. I turn on the broiler - which as you know I used for the first time 2 weeks ago - and place the nachos in the oven. I then proceed outside to move the christmas tree from the front lawn. How trashy is it that it has been out there for a month - since we apparently missed the two xmas tree pick ups!? And how long could that take. Well, by the time I got outside I realized I had to position my body between the tree and jdog's car - so that took time; and then I heard the distant sound of a shovel and thought OH HELL! I can get some of our ice ridden driveway back if I just chip away. This took maybe 5-7 minutes.

Meanwhile back in the house Jdog and Rosenbaum notice a "toasty" smell. Jdog goes into the kitchen and discovers little curls of smoke coming from the top of the stove door. She then opens the oven and notices the FLAMES coming from the plate of now charred nachos positioned incorrectly at the top of the oven inches (maybe 2) under the broiler (what this isn't right?). She looks for a fire extinguisher and why would I keep that out in plain sight? The one that is in sight is from the fifties and just for show. Realizing she needed to put out the flames - she gets out the baking soda (same thing basically!).

Enter me - all pricked by the damn xmas tree - horrified that there is a smell and the nachos are on FIRE! Jdog throws the baking soda and I start blowing and the fire is out! Rosenbaum then states wow I'm suprised the smoke alarm hasn't gone off. Enter Smoke alarm. Our neighbors are nervous and at the now open window asking if everything is ok and shouts of "don't worry, karen is cooking" ring from each window! When we effectively removed some of the thick black smoke from the house, I tossed the charred mess out into the snow where it melted right down to the grass.

What did I learn from this? Well first, never put nachos inches under the broiler - something about the heat and the oils in the cheese and safety; second, keep a working fire extinguisher visible to all; next, don't get distracted by things when you are cooking something delicate - or anything for that matter; always use a monterey jack and cheddar mix on your home made nachos; baking soda works on home fires; change all batteries in your smoke detectors when you change your clocks; never use all the chips just in case something happens to the first batch; ovens contain fires and really doesn't let the fire escape into the walls burning the house down - which I am finally convinced of; and finally, never let me cook in your house - its just too dangerous.

I hope little bunny foo foo - our neighborhood rabbit - doesn't die of char broiled nacho poisioning!

Jdog's birthday dinner

I cooked for Jdog's birthday. And I will say this - I rocked. It was a seafood smorgasborg. I had to work but had all intentions of leaving at noon. Then I had a 2pm meeting and had to get my grades in (didn't happen) and then shop and go home and cook. It became apparent that this was not going to happen in a manner that put dinner on the table when Jdog got home.

So, I leave work around 330 and head to the store. I can boil lobster and steamers - easy. I was unsure of the trick behind scallops and bacon. Apparently there is no trick other than pre-cooking the bacon, wrapping it around the scallops and throwing it under the broiler. Now, I will admit that I did not realize that I had a broiler. NOW WAIT before chastizing me. When I was growing up the broiler was under the oven AND I used the oven about 5 times prior to jdog moved in. SO, who the frig knew. Ok everyone but me - the dog lover had to help me out on that one. And when i had a panic attack in the store attempting to pull together the ingredients for bacony shrimp cheese grits (thank you funkadelic) she also had to explain that green onions were basically scallions. So, I get the ingredients and go home and cook.

Scallops in bacon, lobster, steamers, and bacony shrimp cheese grits. IT WAS THE BOMB and Jdog was in a food coma after that meal. THE BOMB! So, my new thing is to try to cook something new every friday - I work from home and can monitor oven temps and crock pots. I will let you know if anything works.

True Beauty

Has anyone seen this show? Well, I have. I am actually watching the show now. Jdog is complaining about her loss of brain cells and I am intrigued, drawn in, and mesmerized. Cheryl Teiggs, Monique Santiago, and Nole Martin a fashion god of some sort are the hosts. Cheryl is O-L-D and had too much surgery; Monique is dramatic; and Nole is the bomb. Did I mention that the show's executive producers are Ashton Cusher and Tyra Banks. Yeah so high drama. The premise is that 10 "beautiful" people are put in a house together and they are competing for the most beautiful person contest and they might get cash but definitely get to be in People's most Beautiful Person magazine.

So, there are bimbos and muscle heads. There is high drama, hatred, idiocy, and the like. Did I mention that there is a secret to this show - NO one knows that not only are they judged by their outter beauty but also their inner beauty.

So, how does it work - well, there is some test of outter beauty. Episode one had a plastic surgeon judge their perfectness; and then there is another test and it is really a test of inner beauty. Episode 2 had for instance a challenge to get three outfits for $100 and one group decided to pretend they were raising money and taking clothes for charity (bad!). There are two losers and they each go to the Hall of Beauty (which is a bad thing not good - like going to the legion of doom as a kidnapee).

Meanwhile at the Hall of Beauty - the judges stage one more opportunity for the contestants to show that they are innerly beauteous. One test, in episode 3, is the Litter bug test. As each of the contestants walks to the Hall, a man walking across the contestant's path throws a bottle missing the garbage can. Will the Beauty pick it up? One always does and the other doesnt and sometimes that makes the difference in who stays and who goes home.

So, the best part is the drama and the end when Monique says "This competition is more than it appears." or something like that. and then follows it up with Do you think you have inner beauty and the contestant always says yes, and then ROLL TAPE! I love that part of it. Totally ridiculous show and yeah so wasting 40 minutes watching it does not make much sense but it is like a train wreck and I cannot move away from the track.

Obsessions

I am suffering from a few different obsessions (but for my obsessive collecting of 70s tv paraphenalia - the rest are alive and kicking):


1. Facebook, specifically Mafia Wars. I cannot get enough of this game. It is mindless but with a click of the cursor I can rob, kill, steal, mug, maime, assualt, and commit a variety of other crimes and misdemeanors. I love earning money for bad behavior and it basically allows me to live out my childhood fantasy of being in the mob.


2. Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Now, I did get Guitar hero Aerosmith for my birthday and basically I can rock out on Easy and Medium and I had fits once I got to hard. Enter Penny. Penny hosted a post wedding video game and lasagna party for us. It was the best party ever. She had the Wii and a variety of games, including Rock Band downstairs, and Dance Dance Revolution upstairs. Who is better than Me??? I mean US?? But for a brief interlude on DDR we played Rock Band for 7 hours. I know it is excessive - but the game ROCKED the house. Now, my sister was at this party and she really cut loose and sang her ass off. Most of the party goers did get a turn but Jdog, sidesalad, virgo2, and I pretty much rocked most of the day. I am not being modest here - we ROCKED! Truly! We amassed over 2million points. I will give the biggest shout out to Penny because she can a. throw a party; b. makes the best lasagna (not including my grams); and makes a world famous carrot cake; and c. once you eat this carrot cake you will never eat another carrot cake again.

Have you ever played Rock Band for 7 hours. Yeah, I threw my back out. I was in PAIN like I have never experienced before. I was hunched over and crying and had to be helped and driven around and Funkadelic went and bought (and applied) icy hot (mmmm) patches. I was an absolute wreck. Who pulls their back on Rock Band? Me. Despite this injury Sidesalad and I made the christmas gift pact - Rock Band all around. So, xmas comes and we get rock band. I am obsessed with drumming. I love it. The other day, I start jammin - and I admit that I have some signature moves (or bogarted signature moves) and I was on my 11th song or so, fro swaying, arms burning from my antics, and being all crazy. I end the song - earning my end of song bonus (horray) - stand, twirl the sticks between my fingers, point them at my audience (aka the tv) and drop them on the floor, and walk away from the stage (aka the chair in front of the drums in front of the tv). I immediately crash into the treadmill which is to my left - i had plenty of room of course but if you have played this game you know that after playing one song you can look away and everything feels like it is moving upwards, just like the notes (which are really moving down but the illusion is that the world is moving up - it has to do with refraction and reverse imaging and the muscle memory of the eye blah blah). So, the world is spinning after 11 songs and I go plowing into the treadmill. And still I play the game!!!

Two movies, some lesbians, and multiple personalities

In an effort to cure the bad taste left after Benjamin Buttons, I threw in Burn After Reading. 37 minutes later, I turned off this movie. It was bizare and ridiculous and I just could not get into an old Brad trying to be 22 - although I understand that there are many guys at the gym who think they are young and act like idiots. John Malcovich is the only reason I kept the movie on longer than I did. Clooney was also annoying. I am not sure why Cool Guy, and others, liked this movie. It did zip for me.

Puccini for Beginners - talk about annoying pseudo intellectual lipstick pseudo lesbians. I hate all the actresses who starred in this B movie and once I saw the plot change from annoying lesbians to annoying lesbian who falls for a really nice guy who too bad so sad should have been with someone worth his awesomeness. 15 minutes. It did not occur to me until this moment that I saw this movie before - but lasted much longer than 15 minutes. No wonder it was all so familiar.

I didn't really care about Puccini because I knew the L word was coming. Then I saw the LWord and was once again disappointed. I cannot even describe what we watched except that it was a MESS. Jenny did not die, they once again re-wrote or re-characterized last year's ending, bette and tina are still bette and tina, and the whole gang just annoyed me. I talked through the whole thing which is pretty normal. Jdog just watches in silence and humors me when I say can we please pause - and then I go off about the ridiculousness of the chain lock on the door at Jenny's house (too long for proper intruder prevention); and the idiocy of staying in the black dress and pumps when you come home from an event; and who doesn't run when their kid is burning up with fever and barely able to breathe; and was the brown whole foods bag really necessary other than corporate donations; and advil must have been a smaller sponsor of the dam show because they mentioned it 2 times and who doesn't use Children's (insert brand name here); and I HATE EVERYONE!

I was finally able to pull the hot poker from my eye ball and we watched United States of Tara, on Shotime, starring Tina Collette and John Corbett. Stephen Spielberg is EP. The story is about a woman (Tina) who suffers from multiple personality disorder - she has a family and they too are obviously deadling with mom/wife's issues. We meet two of the alters - and I must say the show is very good. excellent. Hysterical and touching. Emotional and heartwarming. Definitly worth the watch.

Trixie's Mom

It is with a sad heart that I report that Trixie's mother passed away this morning. She did not make it to see Barak's inauguration but she did pass on MLK, Jr. Day which is comforting at least to me. Trixie is holding up as well as I would imagine she would. It was a long road but I am sure Edith is happy to no longer be suffering. Peace.

The Curious Tale of Benjamin Buttons

I have over the past few years, in fact the years since the last Oscar party some 5 or more years ago, neglected my Oscar movie watching duties. I have been inspired by the Golden Globes (less annoying show than the People's Choice) to try to get all the movies in by the time the Oscars happen. I have Netflixed (yes, I am back on Netflix) everything Netflixable and today started my movie going. I started with Benjamin Buttons.

I am honestly unclear about the point of the movie. Ok I understand the "What if" fantasy sort of thing that goes along with such a story but honestly it lost something in the long nearly 2.5 hours of translation. Brad Pitt, Kate Blanchet, Juilet Binochet, and to my suprise Tilda Swinton are the big stars. Set in the backdrop of Hurricane Katrina (unnecessary at best) we see dying mom and daughter who clearly thinks she has better things to do yet torn by wanting to tell her mom she loves her and cure the past. While in the final hours of her death, mom tells the story of a blind clock maker. At this point I thought - wtf is this movie even about. The magic clock runs backwards much like our hero. Enter a baby born on the day the clock is installed. A dead mother and inconsolable and abandoning sort of dad later and our hero is taken in by a wonderful religious unmarried and infertile woman who runs an old school nursing home.

Now I will tell you that the makeup was amazing - it was a little frightening that they superimposed Brad's old face on a young body. Weird. But the makeup was great. The accents were pretty good - almost New Orleans. Kate was too thin and unbelievable as a young ballet star but they did what they could and I love her. Brad's voice as an old man was also annoying and we had to listen to it for quite some time. The whole movie was full of cliches - most of which I can't remember but the one that stuck was "you never know what is going to hit you." It was a life's too short but everything in its time sort of movie. Another creepy thing that happened is when Old Brad was 12 (or 80 something) he met a young kate and Brad fell in love with her then and they had this weird moment under one of those makeshift blanket forts - gross. There was lots of death. OH I will say that the funniest part of the movie was an old man in the film who kept saying - did I ever tell you that I got struck by lightening 7 times. He then told Brad how and when he was struck - when he did this there was an old school reel of the guy getting zapped. It was funny. I also laughed out loud when they showed this CHEESY image of a now younger Brad sailing away from the sunset - horrible.

The bottom line is that there was too much going on - we didn't need the Katrina backdrop, we didn't need so much detail about them being old and him going on a ship and blah blah blah blah. I didn't mind the love story at appropriate ages but gads I just wanted it to end. I cannot imagine why it was up for a Golden Globe in anything and it left a spoiled taste in my mouth. I need to go see another movie - although I do have another Brad movie - Burn After Reading that at least looks amusing.

My review is summed up like this - The Curiously Boring Tale of Benjamin Buttons that is Better Left Unseen. Ever.

The Word Was Meatball

Penny posted, sans permission I might add, a video of a circa 2006 game night. We were playing Taboo - and after cracking up over another word, the word I was trying to get my team to guess was MeatBall. My clues were something like Prego, pasta, on top of, and meat. I had to leave the room cause i was going to pee my pants and instead of going to the bathroom, I ran out of the house for some unknown reason. Enjoy the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ70S0-AleQ

Christ-mas

Happy New Year my wonderful peeps! Penny reminded me last night that I have not written in this blog for quite some time. I am going to once again TRY to figure out a way to write regularly. Since I am giving JDog assignments, why can't I take one from Penny - well I can if she is not too bossy about it. :)

What can I say - since I last wrote, I got married! I KNOW! (do the Get Out! Elaine move from Seinfeld). Yes, Jdog and I tied the knot and I never knew how different it would feel to be married. It is the absolute bomb! Life is grand! Oh and we will be having a big ceremony and party (mostly party) in August followed by a glorious 2 week honeymoon.

Our first married Christmas was the best holiday of my life. My family is the bomb and Jdog and Cheeks are BFF when they are together and that is great. My mom even came around and knit Jdog a perfect scarf and headband and Jdog (unlike Sidesalad who would have scoffed, laughed, and said something like why did you make me a scarf) did the happy dance and is now BFF with mom. Italian Christmas was great. Then we headed to Jdogs aunt's - where we got matching flaming do rags - and were welcomed and celebrated as newleyweds. We finished at Jdog's parents - celebrating with her sister (who is carrying my unborn neice Maia) and JZ, aunts, uncle, parents, etc. We laughed, ate, and had a great time.

Now at this point you might be thinking - wow Kar had a great holiday that is wonderful. What you might not know is that Loranus (Jdog's sis) is a very bad influence on me. I love to have a good time but don't really drink. Enter Loranus who will pull out a bottle of pineapple rum getting me completely intoxicated. I don't smoke unless drinking. See above and add some tokey smokey. I am not sure why I bow to peer pressure - although I believe that despite being about a quarter of my size she could kick my ass it can't be that and I know its not that I am trying to butter up the family - I already got the girl. Who knows. Anyway, at Christmas it was no suprise that Loranus said here try this and being a good sister-in-law, I took it. "It" was a habenero potato chip. Now you might be thinking - dam Kar you don't even like hot things why would you take a hotass chip. To which I would reply, it was a chip how bad could it be and did you read the above.

The chip hits my tongue and melts, as chips sometimes do. The flavor is hot but not unbearable (or is it unbareable). And then the chip goes down my throat and it occurs to me that I am going to vomit. You know I am a PUKEAPHOBE and it is CHRISTMAS at my in-laws righ? I try for about a nanosecond to not vomit but know that I can't. So, I quickly (not easy when you have to scale a 100lb dog chewing on its christmas raw hide and cut through the kitchen all while trying not to hurl or call attention to yourself) trot to the bathroom. JZ asks if I am ok I say - while holding my mouth closed I shake my head, shut the door, pull up the toilet seat and begin the death throws.

Being a pukeaphobe, I could not possibly get on all fours because well I know there is a man peeing in the house which means that JZ's pee (and gads maybe sperm since his wife is preggers and maybe he's not getting any and do guys do that in the shower cuz yuk). So yeah, yuk on the grasping the porcelin god. Instean I stand like a defensive lineman - legs spread, right closer to the toilet and the left bracing myself for the next hurl. My right hand held the window sill and left the sink. This stance meant that my vomit was hitting the toilet from about 2 feet away. Yes folks, that means splatter all over my favorite blue oxford (thankfully I had the good sense to take off my velour jacket). I have NEVER vomited (chocolate cheesecake by the way) so much in my life. At some point - I think after the 3rd flush - I heard Jdog yelling "what the fuck, you killed my wife?!" and she barged into the bathroom. Now barging in on me in this state means that she hit me in the ass. Thankfully I was wiping my face off from the tears (of paranoia) and spittle and not mid-hurl. She tries to push her way in but I would not give up the football stance so she had to get her amazonia legs into the bathroom and attempted to sooth me. The only thing soothing me was one more purge out of both ends.

And then it hits me...I have ruined Christmas. I panicked and apologized profusely. And you know what? Jdog's family was the bomb and cared about how I was feeling. WHAT? And they even all hugged me good by. I love them but quite candidly, if they had puked and then were leaving, I would have pretended to be asleep on the couch - asleep with a gas mask on and an iv drip of purell. Despite it all it was still an amazing, but pukified, Christmas!

I hope yours was as ...ah... blessed!