Christ-mas

Happy New Year my wonderful peeps! Penny reminded me last night that I have not written in this blog for quite some time. I am going to once again TRY to figure out a way to write regularly. Since I am giving JDog assignments, why can't I take one from Penny - well I can if she is not too bossy about it. :)

What can I say - since I last wrote, I got married! I KNOW! (do the Get Out! Elaine move from Seinfeld). Yes, Jdog and I tied the knot and I never knew how different it would feel to be married. It is the absolute bomb! Life is grand! Oh and we will be having a big ceremony and party (mostly party) in August followed by a glorious 2 week honeymoon.

Our first married Christmas was the best holiday of my life. My family is the bomb and Jdog and Cheeks are BFF when they are together and that is great. My mom even came around and knit Jdog a perfect scarf and headband and Jdog (unlike Sidesalad who would have scoffed, laughed, and said something like why did you make me a scarf) did the happy dance and is now BFF with mom. Italian Christmas was great. Then we headed to Jdogs aunt's - where we got matching flaming do rags - and were welcomed and celebrated as newleyweds. We finished at Jdog's parents - celebrating with her sister (who is carrying my unborn neice Maia) and JZ, aunts, uncle, parents, etc. We laughed, ate, and had a great time.

Now at this point you might be thinking - wow Kar had a great holiday that is wonderful. What you might not know is that Loranus (Jdog's sis) is a very bad influence on me. I love to have a good time but don't really drink. Enter Loranus who will pull out a bottle of pineapple rum getting me completely intoxicated. I don't smoke unless drinking. See above and add some tokey smokey. I am not sure why I bow to peer pressure - although I believe that despite being about a quarter of my size she could kick my ass it can't be that and I know its not that I am trying to butter up the family - I already got the girl. Who knows. Anyway, at Christmas it was no suprise that Loranus said here try this and being a good sister-in-law, I took it. "It" was a habenero potato chip. Now you might be thinking - dam Kar you don't even like hot things why would you take a hotass chip. To which I would reply, it was a chip how bad could it be and did you read the above.

The chip hits my tongue and melts, as chips sometimes do. The flavor is hot but not unbearable (or is it unbareable). And then the chip goes down my throat and it occurs to me that I am going to vomit. You know I am a PUKEAPHOBE and it is CHRISTMAS at my in-laws righ? I try for about a nanosecond to not vomit but know that I can't. So, I quickly (not easy when you have to scale a 100lb dog chewing on its christmas raw hide and cut through the kitchen all while trying not to hurl or call attention to yourself) trot to the bathroom. JZ asks if I am ok I say - while holding my mouth closed I shake my head, shut the door, pull up the toilet seat and begin the death throws.

Being a pukeaphobe, I could not possibly get on all fours because well I know there is a man peeing in the house which means that JZ's pee (and gads maybe sperm since his wife is preggers and maybe he's not getting any and do guys do that in the shower cuz yuk). So yeah, yuk on the grasping the porcelin god. Instean I stand like a defensive lineman - legs spread, right closer to the toilet and the left bracing myself for the next hurl. My right hand held the window sill and left the sink. This stance meant that my vomit was hitting the toilet from about 2 feet away. Yes folks, that means splatter all over my favorite blue oxford (thankfully I had the good sense to take off my velour jacket). I have NEVER vomited (chocolate cheesecake by the way) so much in my life. At some point - I think after the 3rd flush - I heard Jdog yelling "what the fuck, you killed my wife?!" and she barged into the bathroom. Now barging in on me in this state means that she hit me in the ass. Thankfully I was wiping my face off from the tears (of paranoia) and spittle and not mid-hurl. She tries to push her way in but I would not give up the football stance so she had to get her amazonia legs into the bathroom and attempted to sooth me. The only thing soothing me was one more purge out of both ends.

And then it hits me...I have ruined Christmas. I panicked and apologized profusely. And you know what? Jdog's family was the bomb and cared about how I was feeling. WHAT? And they even all hugged me good by. I love them but quite candidly, if they had puked and then were leaving, I would have pretended to be asleep on the couch - asleep with a gas mask on and an iv drip of purell. Despite it all it was still an amazing, but pukified, Christmas!

I hope yours was as ...ah... blessed!