40 year old virgin

I recently saw the 40 Year old Virgin and laughed pretty hartily at many junctures. The poor guy. He couldn't get out of his own way. There are, I noticed, some similarities between the Virgin and myself. Ok so I am not 40, no longer a virgin, I drive a car, and I am not as obsessive compulsive.

I like, the Virgin, enjoy old movies, am particularly shy when it comes to the ladies, and I like to collect things. My things are currently hidden in boxes in some closet waiting to be outted. I fondly recall the days when I had all of my most awe inspiring artifacts displayed like fine china in a hutch. Literally they were in a hutch. Everything from my Charlie's Angels game, to a slightly used Laverne & Shirley giveaway tshirt, to El Seed from the Tick, and of course the Charlie's Angels braclet and necklace. Autographed pictures and a variety of dolls hung on the walls and shelves in the apartment. The piece day resistance (you know what I mean and I can't spell in other languages) was and is the Charlie's Angels pinball machine face.

I love all this stuff. I spent years trolling ebay and antique tv stores (Commercial Street in Ptown has a fabulous one - one that gave me a very cool Wonder Woman something). I have still not yet forgiven my cousins for drawing, in blue ink, a mustache and beard on my Cher doll - but one of the brothers did replace said doll and she too lives in the bowels of my crawl space. Some new pieces stay in view - Wonder Woman is a hot commodity lately (for the mainstream - a constant for me). So, I have amassed a WW Barbie, Action Figures, figurines, comics, etc. Like the Virgin, these figures don my shelves, prinstine in their cellophane houses. Unopened of course.

Yesterday, my god-daughter, her sister, and her brothers, came a visitin'. My god-daughter is so like me in many respects - she is a foodie, beats to her own drummer, and loves to run around like a total maniac. She could easily be pasted into the tricycle picture -head back, throwing caution to the wind, wishing that there was some major hill that I could go speeding down just to feel the wind slam against my body. And like me, she found Wonder Woman. Although she doesn't really speak - gutteral noises that we all understand so why the hell would she need to speak if we are at her beck and call - so she told me that she wanted to play with WW.

Without a beat I found myself ripping open the box. Her mom, a woman with whom I have been friends since the kindergarden, gasped loudly. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I looked down and for a nano-second I thought - crap I am the 40 year old virgin. And then, I ripped a little harder and handed over my WW Barbie. Little Miss didn't like the boots (one of the best parts mind you) so she threw them down and began her journey. I will of course have to remind my friend not to ever throw that doll away because I expect it back.

Guess the Gay!

Today I participated in a Guess the Gay panel for True Colors (ask me about it cause I think the gay folks out there need to be a mentor to a young one..www.ourtruecolors.org). Anyway, I'm on the panel with 10 people and we are presenting to about 25 kids ranging from freshmen to seniors in high school. The object of the game is for the audience to ask a series of questions (except for who are you sleeping with and what's your partner's name, etc). Stereotypical questions are part of this process. So, some of the questions were: for the men, do you like Barbara Streisand?; do you want kids; do you get along with your parents; have you ever been conflicted about your sexuality; do you think people don't understand you; what kind of donuts do you eat; how do you address your friends; do you have more male or female friends; etc. Based on the answers to these and other questions the audience was supposed to come up with am I gay, straight or bisexual.

3 of the 25 kids thought I was a lesbian. 3! The rest thought I was straight or Bi. Why? Because I looked like someone's mom; I had a mom vibe; I looked like I could really be comfortable settling down with a man and being a mom. A MOM! I look like an old suburban mom apparently. Doing nothing but baking pies, and taking care of babies, like some mammie. Are you kidding me? I am so gentile and give off some kind of mom scent. Of course I want to be a mom but do I look like a mom? Well, apparntly. I feel older than I am at this moment and when I finally outted myself I gave a little attitude to the kids because wtf... I said I loved cuddling, reading, and Young Frankenstein. I also mentioned that knew how to change my oil, tires, and could repair stripped gears in a 1965 mustang. How lesbian is that? And when I asked some participants after the event I was told that maybe a faux hawk would help with the lesbian thing.

Honestly!

I need to dykify my wardrobe and Remi, you need to hook up this hair. Or I need braids or Jess hook me up with Dreds! Something!

I am traumatized. All this time I thought I was so butch. When really I am a maybe Bi but mostly straight mom.

Gotta go bake some cookies and tuck the kitties into bed.

Just when you thought you're all by yourself you're not! doo doo dooo do

Just a little Kate and Allie theme song. I just realized that K&A is on the WE channel at 7pm nightly. I used to love this show. Jane Curtain, comedic genius and Susan St. James - hottie, at least to my young self. Anyway, lesbianish show. I kept waiting but they were simply single moms hooking up the resources! Gotta love the progressive theme. I need a where are they now episode!

Hey, do you think Nielsen will count those shows I DVR or just shows I watch. Never mind I will ask them.

Dreams DO Come True

I might be a NIELSEN family. Honestly, this has been a dream of mine forever!! Can you believe it? Of course, the TV kid finally gets her wish and its SUMMER! What the hell is on in the summer besides repeats of the Girls Next Door? Which by the way I watched the other night. The thin one with the white hair - not the smart one or the dumb one with the grill - was actually upset because Heff hasn't proposed. WHO in their right mind would want to marry that man. He is a million and one and ick. Wait..he's a kazillionaire. ok I get it.

Anyway, its pretty ironic that I've dreamed of this moment since I learned about the Nielsen system when I was a kid. I could have saved Cagney and Lacey back in the day but noooooooo - I'm not saving anything. At least I'll be registering votes for Futurama, Family Guy, and Robot Chicken.

I'll keep you posted on the project.

Life Should Be a Cabaret

Let me start with the small stuff first.
1. Harry Potter - saw it while in DC. How or why the longest book in the series was the shortest movie is way beyond me. I was looking for more, but it was good. I enjoyed it just wanted more. Its so hard when I am like a totally wickedly perfect secret screen writer - and yet no one asks my opinion. The movie did a great job conveying the angst of young Potter - poor boy taking on so very much. So what he looks 19 when he is supposed to be what 13 at this point. In any case, Luna Lovegood was a great casting call. It is a must see for the Harry fans however, trust me, you will be left wanting more. Its a tease and I am hopeful that like Pirates2 which for me was just a movie I had to get through just to get to the third - I am hopeful that the next 2 movie installments of HP will be magnificent.

2. Harry Potter the book - I have it but have not cracked the spine. Please note that I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW A FRIGGIN THING. DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH ME UNTIL I AM FINISHED! Got it?

3. Transformers. Did I already give you the low down on this? Well, it was the best action movie I have seen in a long time. I will admit this up front: I was a little old for transformers buy my young cousins had some of these toys and I just loved playing with them. Probably because I spent lots of time transforming myself (or trying to) into someone much cooler like Sabrina Duncan and Rambo. I also watched the cartoon for about 12.8seconds but was uninterested. Anyway, the graphics were great. The transformers were great great sympathetic characters. Decent character development and that cute kid Shiloh something was good. Did I mention the 1970s camaro? well there was one and even though the character she played was in high school, the of legal age actress was a hottie. and you may recall - hot cars and hot chicks make a movie. mostly. See, Gone in 60 Seconds for an example. A Shelby AND Angelina Jolie? Need I say more. I digress...There was definite campiness to the movie, and yet it was action packed. Optimus Prime's voice was terrific. Bumblebee was great. I cried, no shock. You must see Transformers in the theatre and from my perspective it is a MUST OWN.

4. Some other books I read - Janet Evanovich's 13th book which was one of the best ones in the series. Her latest between the numbers featured Deisel, another beloved character and was a good read. Easy reading but if you haven't started from the beginning you miss way too much. Get the first. I am in the middle of A thousand Splendid Suns - the author of Kite Runner, which I loved, writes this time from the female perspective. I'm only about a quarter, maybe half way through, and so far it is great. Wally Lamb was able to capture the female perspective in She's Come Undone which was pretty depressing. And now I am pretty certain I will get a series of comments listing all the male writers who successfully wrote from the female perspective. I also know I am being pretty sterotypical and binary but whatever - give me what you got!

Covering: the hidden assault on our civil rights. Legal gay commentary - the short version is that LGBT folks are forced to Cover which means that we hide our identity by not putting pictures of our civil union in our office, don't talk about our personal lives, appear in all respects straight. We moved from Conversion (ECT, psychotherapy, etc), to Assimilation (pretending to be straight or being straight) to Covering (basically hiding). The book was a nice historical (legally speaking) accounting of the movement, with the author exemplifying his theroy by using his own (privileged) life. At about the half way mark the book started to feel like the rantings of a crazy professor. I think he needed another couple months editing or flushing out some of the issues.

Sister's Keeper - yeah this needs to stay on the shelf. I am about 30 pages in and have already cried so I am putting it away for now.

Beasts of No Nation by Uzodinma Iweala was a good quick read about child soldier in an un-named country although the author is from Nigeria. The author is also priviledged and a Harvard grad and when I read it I assumed that it was his story. When I learned of the author's background it was just ok. Why am I like this? The story was compelling and written from the perspective of the boy soldier - which is also based on the reality of many child soldiers. Sad and troubling on many levels. Worth the read.

5. Hairspray. Why did I leave this for last? IT WAS THE BOMB! That is why! The weak link, for me, was John Travolta. John just looked like John in a fat suit and he did a weird accent which was just disjointed and reminded me of sitting through that magician movie with mary camden when everyone had a different accent even though they all lived in England. Anyway, Divine was Divine and looked natural as a woman. John - not so much. Harvey Firestein should have been cast. The woman, Nikki, who played Tracy was the BOMB! She was great. Actually the rest of the cast was great. Christopher Walken, great. Michelle Pfiffer was a great racist bitch. Queen Latifah - LOVE HER! I just wished she had different clothes on - in the more revealing way. I cannot believe they discovered Nikki in an ice cream shop. CAN someone please discover me in a Cold Stone Creamery? Actually the only way I will be discovered there is if they are looking for ice creamers. Why can't someone discover me while I am singing the Sound of Music Soundtrack at the office?

The soundtrack to this show was great - just great. It even has a song, Momma, I'm A Big Girl Now, sung by Rikki Lake (original movie), the broadway star, and Nikki from this movie. GREAT stuff. I cannot really put into words how great I thought it was. What I can say is that I immediately ran out and bought the soundtrack, I have been dancing and singing the songs, and my dream to live my life as though the cameras are constantly rolling and its a musical have been reborn! I need to write mylife as a musical - which will be difficult because I have never written music (I can do lyrics if someone can write the tune - we can be like Drew and Hugh and fall helplessly in love).

Clearly this is a must own movie. Some trivia for you: John Travolta and Michelle Pfiffer were both in Grease (1 and 2 respectively); John Waters had a cameo as the flasher in the Opening number Good Morning Baltimore; Rikki Lake played one of the judges; Jerry Stiller (aka Frank Costanza) was Mr. Pinky in this movie and the dad in the first; and I LOVED THIS MOVIE.

Some commentary - I went to this movie with a 9 year old. Risky I know but I think the sexual inunendos went over her head (at least I hope). The other thing that came up was the race issues. For those of you who don't know the movie is about race - and other things - and takes place in 1962. The words Negro and Colored are used throughout and there is a march. My young friend knows about Martin Luther King but doesn't think there are issues anymore and she was happy it wasn't like that anymore. Ah, the young and innocent. It occurred to me that schools may actually be teaching the civil rights movement in a vaccuum - yeah it happened but its a bright new race free world. That's a problem for me. So, it clouded just a bit of it for me but then, the next song came on and I was JOYFUL again. At one point I was the ONLY person laughing ... why? ... Penny says to Tracey when Tracey enters the bomb shelter after running from the fuzz, "your hair is dented." Tracey replies something like "that's ok penny, my hair was just my way of rebelling against the conformity imposed by the man." Although it is not verbatim...HOW funny is that?!

One of my favorite scenes was when Tracey and Penny are taken by Seaweed (I HAVE to learn the dance) to his mom's (queen latifah) record store. The song is Big Blonde and Beautiful. Great song and she sang about food and cooking and being big and beautiful. It was great great song.

Can someone please please hook a sista up with some greens and cornbread. PLEASE!