Twilight Funk; New Playstation games; a head of braid mange; and a Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!

Merry Christmas my festive peeps!

Its been quite a holiday season - as you noted from my continued web silence. One of my New Year's resolutions is to be more prolific in the writing department. I also need to be more prolific in the TV watching department. The only three shows I am even near caught up are Amazing Race (who got kicked christmas week?), Grey's Anatomy (hello Torres), and Boston Legal (funniest show on tv). And I need to read more and I haven't seen a movie since I think the Jodie Foster film - but this is not about the New Year's resolutions this is about getting y'all up to speed on my pre-holiday and holiday festivities.

The first Christmas miracle for me is that I bought my first xmas (sorry christ) gift early this fall - before Thanksgiving even. It was one of those old time drinking birds. Its like a beeker from science class with a bulb on the bottom of it and it was filled maybe half way with some red liquid. The top had a bird on it with a little red (or blue apparently) top hat. and the thing bobs into and out of a glass. it is cool. So, I bought that for Leon since there was one in his mom's house and we've been looking for one for about 10 years now. Gift numero uno, finito!

Next we move to post-triptaphan (sp?) glory and gift number two bought - Pinky & the Brian final season on dvd for Alyssa. ROCK ON AUNTIE! And then in terms of gift purchasing I petered out until around December 20. So much for early bird specials.

Now, in the meantime, y'all know about the hair. Well, it was cut. It went from mid back to shoulders, thanks to Jdog. Now it looks cute. I actually dig it. If you can imagine, I actually wear little head bands and can put it in a pony tail or pull the sides back into a little nibblet of a pony tail. Cute. It is wicked high maintenance to have long hair. Short curls are much easier to care for and are truly wash and go. Now I have to be a girly girl of sorts and it is strange at best. But it looks good to have hair. Right now, it is making me crazy since it is coming out. And by coming out I mean literally I was sitting doing a puzzle with Jdog and there was this feeling, a weird feeling on my neck, and then a braid fell like a dead snake onto my lap. This unfortunate event also happened in the shower and once while I was doing my hair. And so, I look like I have braid mange. Braid mange! And that horrible color which I lamented a few blogs ago is even lighter and coming dislodged from the braids and making me look all kinds of trifling. So, I am pulling them out and hopefully jdog will braid my real hair. yippee. Plus I miss wearing hats. I love hats. ball cap hats.

Speaking of hair, inquiring minds want to know what my mom's reaction was. Well, I forgot my cell phone and camera so I was not able to capture the moment on film so you'll have to do with this recitation. Jdog and I walk to the door and its locked. I ring the bell. Dad answers the door and immediately says "what did you do with your hair?" Comment taken and filed - mostly because this is my father's stock answer. Law school - why do you want to do that. New car - why do you want to do that. Negotiate salary - why do you want to do that. Buy a house - why do you want to do that. Hair anything - why did you do that? See the pattern. Just always asking why - he probably did that as a kid too. Then came my mom. "Oh your here. Oh your hair! What did you do to your hair? Ok. Let me see in the light." So we walk into the light. "I don't know. You look like Whoopie Goldberg. You really do." What? "i do not look like whoopie, she has dreads, these are braids." Jdog, "no she doesn't, whoopie has no eyebrows." Ok so that was the reaction. Can you imagine. Whoopie. Ok it would be the bomb to look like whoopie - she's hot right? But patty doesn't mean it that way - she means it in the why would you want to look like a black woman way. Well..hmmmm... let's see - can I really truly help that?? Not so much. The other family of course thought it looked good, cute, and it grew on everyone by the end of the holidays.

Ok blah blah blah holiday cheer. It was pretty good actually. I rocked on the gifts. Truly. Jdog painted me a piece called "Twilight Funk" - and it rocks. It will be framed and hung by the dining room table with cheer. An original created for me. Awesome! I cannot say enough about it - I almost cried but pulled it together. I am also on my way to becoming a rockin drummer - but let's not get ahead of ourselves. In true keeping of my wannabe pop idol by 40 mentality - I also received Singstar and Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) for PS2.

Most of you know I can dance, and I love to do so. The things that worry me about DDR are: 1. songs I am unfamiliar with; 2. dance moves my body can no longer do; and 3. getting winded from the extreme quickness of the moves. But, this game shall not beat me that is for sure! Singstar I actually tried and along with rocking out in my car, I love to sing. I adore karaoke and sing in the shower.

Singstar rates not necessarily on getting all the words right but on tone and pitch and all those professional american idol things. There are two songs I like to do in Karaoke - Paradise by the Dashboard by Meatloaf and the B52s Love Shack. the game does not have Meatloaf but does have Love Shack. Not so shockingly to say Leon, but to me, I was horrified that I received more AWFULS and BADS from this song than any other. If you can imagine, my best some was Rocket Man followed closely by Sweet Home Alabama. I think my fake English and then my fake southern accents helped with a lot. I will work on everything and cannot wait until I can play against someone else - or do a few duets. Bottom line - christmas rocked.

The best part of the holiday was that my mom truly brought Christ back into CHRISTmas. We had a little cake, with a music playing candle, and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus! I am sure that singing this diddy made up for the fact that I gave Jesus hand lotion (spread it on for Christ) in lovely lilac scent, and Holy Toast for xmas (imprint your toast, stick it in the toaster, and watch the adoring face of Mary appear next to your eggs on your breakfast toast). Well maybe not.

My christmas was really topped by the fact that I have no heat in my house. None. Zip. Its currently 49 degrees on Highland street. I have long sleeve t, fleece, and hoodie on, and my hands are blue. Last night warmth came with body heat, fleece sheets, down comforter, microfiber blanket, and comforter. I cannot imagine (and hope I never have to experience) truly being cold. Freezing every night has to be painful and horribly. I feel like a selfish princess!

Well, that's it. I hope this was not too insufferably boring. Hopefully the new year will bring more joy and peace and serenity and more exciting stories.

happy holidays.

Pass Wally

A few weeks ago I went to a party - a toy party. About a nanosecond after agreeing to attend, I realize that by "toy" the invitor did not mean a Bumblebee Transformer or even Tomb Raider Anniversary (HELLO Lara Croft) nor did she mean that little rubber ball on a string that you are supposed to hit with the paddle but never do because you bought it at Odd Lots and the string is stapled on all kinds of crooked kind of game. She meant Toy as in sex toy. And not just any sex toy but like straight chicks sex toys. So, I did what I do, I panic.

I made it through the week and yet could not come up with some plausible excuse - especially since I was certain she already heard the flaming red hair dye job story - not to go and so I chalked it up to a new experience. Now, don't get me wrong, I used to sneak out of bed when I was a kid just to catch that Emmannuelle on Cinemax. How I would wait to see what kind of hyjinx and mayhem she and her exotic cohorts got themselves into. Even today, who can resist Cinemax's soft porn! And yeah, I have been to VIP, Exotica, and a host of other adult emporia. Who hasn't bought a video or library or some leather, clamps, edible panties, and the like. The difference is all my purchases are gifts for other people. :)

Anyway, the party comes. I show up late - am I ever on time? - and I saw Jdog in the window and I forgot for a second that I was walking into a den of adult toy debauchery. May I remind you that I have never attended such a party before, so I didn't know what to expect. Actually I expected a be-dazzled, be-boobed, be-tammy fayed (god rest her soul), middle aged woman hoping she looked young enough to pass for someone who could still work it in front of a room full of big haired horney women. I got something totally different. The goddess (barf) was a big girl - actually a number of us there were big which was cool (becase I'm big, blonde and beautiful) -everyone was normal and admittedly sexually active. I was the only never-straight chick in the room.

It was going to be ok I decided. Then I saw the trunk that said goddess (barf) brought into the room and saw what she was unpacking, heard the word, "touchable" and decided sucking down two pumpkin martinis was a good idea.
NOT! They made me looped and silly and hot (heat hot). So, the goddess (barf) caravans us away from the frittos and dip and we entered the (dat dat dah) Den of Debauchery!

A note about the food: the cat licked all the shrimp so I was not going anywhere near that but others were sucking it down like we were in an all you can eat chinese buffet on crab leg night. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the martinis kept me from informing or reminding them that the cat was licking the dam shrimp so instead I dry heaved between gale force laughter.

SO, into the den we go. The goddess (barf) tells us about the rules - have fun, sample stuff (great!), buy a raffle ticket, and place orders later. But first let's do an ice breaker. Joy! Now, I've been to those trainings where there are ice breakers. Its usually something like hi I'm katie (kar) and I like working out (watching tv) and eating lettuce leaves (twinkies). Instead it involved "Passing Wally."

Turns out Wally was a fake penis that we were supposed to pass with our knees from one person to another. First, the thing, I think one day in the distant past, was white but now it looked more like Silly Putty after you try to make an imprint of the news paper and then roll it back into a ball. It looked like that but didn't feel like silly putty. Anyway, we passed the schlong - it was weird and I caused some serious laughter from one of the guests. She couldnt get over that I was touching it let alone passing it along with my knees. She was hysterical. I was hysterical. and soon dropped (on purpose?) the thing. Poor Wally!

The rest of the party was less exciting. Sure we got to taste some nipple lickers, and sample some other creamy things. There were vibrators passed along (those things didnt feel like there was any power at all so I am unsure why anyone would purchase one), rings for male partners, ass ticklers, etc. There was one part of the evening where the goddess (barf) needed a helper who was required to go onto all 4s. I knew it could not be good. It was definitely weird. Goddess (barf) used some kind of strap to demonstrate some sort of doggie style helper. I dont think that was the original name but after that demo that's what I called it. Overall it was a pretty fun, funny, entertaining, night. That same crazy gambler thing that makes me want to buy from the kids fun raisers so they can get the cool prizes prompted me to make a purchase or three.

I did learn a few things - 1. I CAN live outside my comfort zone; 2. some women have to get a lot of toys to have a decent sex life; 3. if i ever need something like the doggie style helper force me to go onto richard simmons cruise to lose or to some sex camp therapy or something but dont ever ever let me demonstrate the friggin thing in front of people; 4. toys are not just for straight chicks; 5. cootchy cream is a great shave cream and finally 6. when I host my party all y'all better show up!!!!

whoopie

Oh, and if my mom thought I was going to look like "that girl on tv. that whoopie goldberg" before, I am sure she will call me names like Farina, Buckwheat, and maybe if I am lucky Mrs. Buttersworth.

The House of Braid

Well, I finally figured out how to go about getting braids. Picking up the phone and calling a student's sister.

I was given the first task - go buy the hair, the fake hair. Yeah, that wasn't easy. Two calls to the braider yielded no help. First apparently you have to match the hair to your color. Since they don't make "Burgandy fading to Pumpkin Red" I settled on dark brown with burgundyish highlights. And how many fake hair packages are enough to braid my hair - well who knows. No one, not the braider, nor the clerks. Jdog and I figured it out. 6 is the answer.

So, we get to the house around 5pm. I thought how cool would it be to actually go home and swirl my hair around like on Charlie's Angels. Cool braids hanging down, sexily flowing all over. Yeah, little did I know the process would not get me home until 7am the next day. That's right, 13.5 hours. The result was a head full of box braids down to the middle of my back. My plaited tresses took a back seat to the 2 inches of ice Jdog (poor jdog didnt get to sleep but for a couple hours on a strange couch) and I had to get off my car so that we could get home. We get home, jdog heads to work, I head to 4 hours of no sleep - which was no different than the 24 sleepless hours before that. I called into work of course and spent the day in and out of sleep. ugh.

So, how does it look now you ask! Well,most of the braids are falling out - something about not burning or tying up the braids because they were self braiding and unnecessary. I do not like the longness of the hair because it is to the middle of my back. I do not like the lack of braids because I do not look good in straight hair. The front and sides look great though - box braids, which means that there are little boxes on my head with braids coming out. CUTE. Its sort of Lil Bow wow meets pre-rythym nation janet jackson meets Snoop Dog , meets Alicia Keys in her first album. That kind of cute. ;)

I had a little temper tantrum this morning as I begged jdog to cut it all out. Thankfully she didn't. She laughed at me instead - she didn't know how pissed I really was but apparently I looked cute despite the pouty evilness spewing forth from my every pour.

so, hopefully y'all can see me before I take it out. I LOVE THEM THOUGH WILL LOVE THEM MORE WHEN JDOG HOOKS THEM UP BETTER!

Oh Sweet Mystery of Life at Last I Found You!

Well, we went to see Young Frankenstein on Broadway! AMAZINGLY funny!
Y'all know, I love the movie. Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, Teri Garr. Great movie with some classic lines like - taffeta darling, tafeta; you take the blonde, I'll take the one in the turban; walk this way; roll in the hay; and Oh sweet mystery of life at last I found you. GREAT. So, I worried a little bit about the conversion from movie to play. They did a great job with the play and adding in some really funny parts. There were a couple weak songs, but the great ones overshadowed everything.

Igor stole the show, he really did. Bart was great as Froederick Frankenstein and Megan Mullallay was fabulous as Madeline Kahn's role. and Inga was good too. The song Roll in the Hay was fabulous. There was a great song by the hermit! I laughed my ass off throughout and really hope you get a chance to see it.