Pass Wally

A few weeks ago I went to a party - a toy party. About a nanosecond after agreeing to attend, I realize that by "toy" the invitor did not mean a Bumblebee Transformer or even Tomb Raider Anniversary (HELLO Lara Croft) nor did she mean that little rubber ball on a string that you are supposed to hit with the paddle but never do because you bought it at Odd Lots and the string is stapled on all kinds of crooked kind of game. She meant Toy as in sex toy. And not just any sex toy but like straight chicks sex toys. So, I did what I do, I panic.

I made it through the week and yet could not come up with some plausible excuse - especially since I was certain she already heard the flaming red hair dye job story - not to go and so I chalked it up to a new experience. Now, don't get me wrong, I used to sneak out of bed when I was a kid just to catch that Emmannuelle on Cinemax. How I would wait to see what kind of hyjinx and mayhem she and her exotic cohorts got themselves into. Even today, who can resist Cinemax's soft porn! And yeah, I have been to VIP, Exotica, and a host of other adult emporia. Who hasn't bought a video or library or some leather, clamps, edible panties, and the like. The difference is all my purchases are gifts for other people. :)

Anyway, the party comes. I show up late - am I ever on time? - and I saw Jdog in the window and I forgot for a second that I was walking into a den of adult toy debauchery. May I remind you that I have never attended such a party before, so I didn't know what to expect. Actually I expected a be-dazzled, be-boobed, be-tammy fayed (god rest her soul), middle aged woman hoping she looked young enough to pass for someone who could still work it in front of a room full of big haired horney women. I got something totally different. The goddess (barf) was a big girl - actually a number of us there were big which was cool (becase I'm big, blonde and beautiful) -everyone was normal and admittedly sexually active. I was the only never-straight chick in the room.

It was going to be ok I decided. Then I saw the trunk that said goddess (barf) brought into the room and saw what she was unpacking, heard the word, "touchable" and decided sucking down two pumpkin martinis was a good idea.
NOT! They made me looped and silly and hot (heat hot). So, the goddess (barf) caravans us away from the frittos and dip and we entered the (dat dat dah) Den of Debauchery!

A note about the food: the cat licked all the shrimp so I was not going anywhere near that but others were sucking it down like we were in an all you can eat chinese buffet on crab leg night. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the martinis kept me from informing or reminding them that the cat was licking the dam shrimp so instead I dry heaved between gale force laughter.

SO, into the den we go. The goddess (barf) tells us about the rules - have fun, sample stuff (great!), buy a raffle ticket, and place orders later. But first let's do an ice breaker. Joy! Now, I've been to those trainings where there are ice breakers. Its usually something like hi I'm katie (kar) and I like working out (watching tv) and eating lettuce leaves (twinkies). Instead it involved "Passing Wally."

Turns out Wally was a fake penis that we were supposed to pass with our knees from one person to another. First, the thing, I think one day in the distant past, was white but now it looked more like Silly Putty after you try to make an imprint of the news paper and then roll it back into a ball. It looked like that but didn't feel like silly putty. Anyway, we passed the schlong - it was weird and I caused some serious laughter from one of the guests. She couldnt get over that I was touching it let alone passing it along with my knees. She was hysterical. I was hysterical. and soon dropped (on purpose?) the thing. Poor Wally!

The rest of the party was less exciting. Sure we got to taste some nipple lickers, and sample some other creamy things. There were vibrators passed along (those things didnt feel like there was any power at all so I am unsure why anyone would purchase one), rings for male partners, ass ticklers, etc. There was one part of the evening where the goddess (barf) needed a helper who was required to go onto all 4s. I knew it could not be good. It was definitely weird. Goddess (barf) used some kind of strap to demonstrate some sort of doggie style helper. I dont think that was the original name but after that demo that's what I called it. Overall it was a pretty fun, funny, entertaining, night. That same crazy gambler thing that makes me want to buy from the kids fun raisers so they can get the cool prizes prompted me to make a purchase or three.

I did learn a few things - 1. I CAN live outside my comfort zone; 2. some women have to get a lot of toys to have a decent sex life; 3. if i ever need something like the doggie style helper force me to go onto richard simmons cruise to lose or to some sex camp therapy or something but dont ever ever let me demonstrate the friggin thing in front of people; 4. toys are not just for straight chicks; 5. cootchy cream is a great shave cream and finally 6. when I host my party all y'all better show up!!!!