$100 or sexual favors ....Deal or No Deal?

My trip to Florida was spectacular. SPECTACULAR! My days were spent like this:
1. wake
2. drink coffee and read paper on the patio over looking beach
3. tan on beach 11-3pm
4. happy hour 3-5pm
5. 5pm-whenever dinner at schmantzy restaurant
6. coctails on patio
7. bed

Everyday - ok Sunday was different in that 8am was golf and then 1-4 was the beach and then everything else was pushed back an hour.

So, I am brown, cocoa, tan, bronze goddess, insert anyother term for someone as well relazed and rested as I am. Fabulous!

BUT dear peeps do not think this trip was without incident. I departed Sun City at 7pm. We begin our take off and are second to depart. The plane then turns around and heads back to the gate. The reason? A passenger was "unruly" and a "flight security risk" and was removed from the plane by air marshalls. Now, I did not really see this guy do much - wait did I mention he was approximately 103 years old - but shake his hands in the jitterbug kick your legs and shake your hands kind of way. I think they called this sunshine hands in that cheerleading movie Bring it On with Kirsten Dunst. Anyway, he did that and smiled a few times. Apparently acting like a wannabe Broadway star is taboo while flying. And so, we were delayed 30 minutes.

Next, a storm over North Carolina forced us to circle. And circle. And Circle. And did I mention circle? another 40 minutes.

Finally I land in Laguardia airport and call the Marriott hotel where my car was parked. Fernando answers the phone and I ask him to send the van to pick me up. Ok but why don't you take my cell phone number and call me when you get here! Why is that? Well, the price is $24, he says, and I can give you the family discount for $20/day. OK great, see you when I get there. Wait he yells, you have to call me. WHAT? Yes, call my cell and meet me at your car with $100. WHAT?

Weird right? I ignore Fernando because what a freak and NO WAY will I call him or meet him because hello - who is this dude AND I knew that the real price was $20 anyway plus I would get a discount with my Marriott elite membership. And there were a million (ok 5) others on the van to Marriott so he doesn't know who I am. I get to Marriot and am approached by another male worker who askes me if I would be interested in a discounted parking ticket. No, someone already asked me. Well, he claimed, he could give it to me for free. HOW? Well, you would have to - wink - do me a favor - wink - you know, a favor - wink. GROSS! and PANIC! Sweat immediately permeated every inch of my body. I paniced and couldn't really move right away, what with my luggage and all. I busted a move inside and ratted out those two to the woman at the desk. She called security - which paniced me even more because how did I know he wasn't Fernando?

Bottom line, I got my parking for free, the manager watched my bags, I ran to my car, locked the doors, almost ran down the security guard who was running after me to make sure I was ok, and left my card at the desk for the investigation. NIGHTMARE!!

Despite the ending - my vacation was cocoa good!

Midnight at the Oasis!

In my desire to retreat from the pressures of the "medication," I immersed myself in a large oversized, two person, jaccuzzi tub. POSH! I have been in many Jaccuzzis in my lifetime but have never added bubbles, or rather shower gel to said appliance (is it an appliance?) I have however, added bubbles to my regular baths. I set the mood -candles, diet coke, cell phone, bubbles, open window, and added the water. I laid out my spa towel and slid into the steaming hot water. The only thing missing was Ella Fitzgerald and a glass of vino. Right, and another person. But alas, is my current state. Luxuriating in the heat, I turn on the jets. I thought I was being stingy with the bubbles - and added only 1/2 a small tiny trial size vial. Well, bubbles plus jet stream equate to an over abundance of bubbles. As you can clearly see from the picture. Why the pictures - my screams alerted the medicated one who almost peed herself laughing so I made her get the camera.

I learned years ago that when you have bubbles in a tub you need only add soap and there is a reaction counter reaction physics kind of thing. The bubbles from the bath dissipate for whatever reason. So, I added a bar of soap to my bath, and ignored the inch of water surrounding the tub and leaking onto the floor, closed my eyes and began to drift.
What did I learn:
1. never add too many bubbles to the jaccuzzi
2. never have said jaccuzzi without Ella and plenty of towels for the spill over
3. try to get partner to share said bath
4. if not, master your domain

Goggles Piasan! or How the excuse "It's the medication" doesn't really obliterate the attitude!

Its not easy being RiRi. It really isn't. She was blind as the proverbial bat - which is not really blind, thank you Deb! In anyevent, Ri had Lasik. Actually she couldn't have lasik because of the seiousness of the eye problem, but it was like lasik but back in the day when they used a straight edge to carve off the retinal flap. Anyway, Surgery was on Thursday morning and she came out without a hitch - unless you count the amount of money it cost. I saw her on Thursday night. She was doped up big time and had ... what do you call it... attitude? Yeah, she was a biatch! and a ravenous one at that. Never have I been denied food in her presence. She is always willing to share and make certain that everyone has equal amounts of food. Well, not thursday. Sure, she blamed the "medication" but honestly, a whole pizza post-op!? Then she just yelled and snapped and all night - its the medication. The next day, I think hey while she is at the appointment, I'll go get coffee. While there hey, I'll get Ri a coffee roll. She sees the coffee roll and says. I don't like those. WHAT? Oh sorry its the medication! She used and abused that big time. But not RiRi is seeing at least 300000% better than she did before so it was all worth it. So what her eyeballs feel like someone pulled them out of the sockets, gave them to the cats to lick, and popped them back in the sockets. She can see, right?

Napolitan Dy-NO-Mite

New Ben and Jerry's Flavor - Napolitan Dynamite. Cherry Garcia next to Chocolate Brownie Fudge. Now this had two things going for it: 1. a shout out to Napolean Dynamite and 2. Chocolate Brownie Fudge. I have been waiting for CBF to come back into the Ben & Jerry's world since it went off the market a couple years ago. Coming back in this variety was not thrilling. Once Chocolate brownie and cherry vanilla (basically) does not really work. Further, in packaging said Napolitanesque ice cream, the packing doesn't always hit all four corners or rather the entire radius of the pint container, thus leaving many air bubbles. If you eat one side than the other, perhaps. Otherwise it does not work particularly well.

Just my two cents.


What does work for me however is, once again, Birdman Attorney at Law on Cartoon Network. HYSTERICAL!!

The Best Students Ever!

Holla!
Tonight I went to a Diversitea Continuum. What was this. Well my students, headed by R, put together this celebration of diversity (in all its components) at a local tea/coffee/martini/restuarant place (hence diversitea). Well, I was told to be there no later than 1010pm. So, I go at 930pm and start with an Almond Joy Martini - pretty good but really i don't like milk in my vodka but that m&m martini polly made me rocked - this one had some nutty thing in it so that threw it off. So, ok diversity event. I am swarmed by my kids - and they are all rockin and lookin' good and this woman comes up to me saying - are you the DofA? yes I am. Are you the lesbian dofa? yes i am. Well you need to call me about being a mentor. Ok. And then hello kitty she was so freaking cute so I started rambling nonsensical stuff and was lost in the eyes and the smile. And then...the kids called me outside. DAMN! But then it was great - I sat at a special table with faculty and administrators and we had special food treats and bottle of wine brought over. Then everyone moved into the outside and sort of crowded us and busted out the cameras - weird. R quieted the group and L yelled Holla! And began saying this was a celebration of... ME!!!! Can you imagine it? They did it for me! She said I was there for the Haves and was the Soldier for the Have Nots and L just rocks and said awesome things and I almost cried but didn't (unlike the Women's event where that is all I could do). Anyway, so they clap and toast me and it was the fucking bomb! And they gave me a gift (glass blown flower on bronze stem - cool) and a card signed by like a million people. How awesome did I feel - do I feel about this. I am just amazed. ROCKING! It was great. The wine was just ok. the shrimp lolipops rocked. The pomegranite (sp?) martini was good but the coppertone one was OFF THE HOOK! The whole night was off the hook. So I am feeling good emotionally and physically. These kids ROCK! and they even went off and got me a cigar. How awesome are they? The BOMB!

WWJD

WWJD? Well he would kick Ace off American Idol that is what!
Thankfully he is GONE! I was so done with him but honestly the bottom three - chris, even paris didn't desere it. Sianara Ace! And how cocky is he with the I can't wait to perform with all the top artists...I mean top 10! UGH!

Best show in a long time

Rod Stewart! Ok at least he looks like a normal human being.
And it is about time we are hearing a full song.

Chris - ROCKED! Who said he could not do a ballad?
Paris - I am still done with her and I disagree I found it annoying.
Taylor - again, done with him. but hey, he did well but couldn't leave the gyrating at home.
Elliot - I adore him but I agree with Simon - he didn't have much personality. he does often seem as though he is pushing the song out of his lungs. Like he is trying to swim upstream and not quite getting there. But he rocks and I love him.
Kelly - poor vacuous Pickler. She is sweet but not much there. I enjoy laughing at things she says like words and lyrics, and then the load on her chest. She wrecked the song though. Awful! I do hate how they capitalize on her stupidity. At least she knows she stunk.
Paula - wow! she has 10lbs more hair and boobs tonight.
Ace - I despise him. The weird eyes, and mouth and greasy dirty hair and fake crooked smile. UGH! The suit is a nice touch but the greasy hair pulled back is no better. Can he not touch himself and push on his stomach. ugh. Those high notes are horrible and he is NOT Sammy Davis with tha crooked smile. And the freaking allegedly smoldering look is just annoying and I want to kick his teeth in. Falsetto Japetto is his new nickname.
Katherine - I love her as you know but yikes she really struggled. Maybe if she wasnt doing the drama of the song. Horrible. AND she picked up a weirdo smoldering look of her own. Wait - they loved her? If you have not heard it - Ella's version of Someone to watch over me found on the Oh Lady Be Good - best of Gershwin Songbook - is the BOMB!!!!


Am I just tired? What is wrong with me - or what is wrong with them? I really think that the judges will look back at the tape and hear something off about Paris, Ace and Katherine. Based on tonight I think the bottom three will include: Pickler, Ace, Eliot.

Tune in tomorrow.

OH MY GOD!

There is a new Tomb Raider game out! Have you seen it? Does anyone even play this game? I cannot believe I did not know this was coming out. I am so out of the gaming loop. I am sick over it! But so very excited that I will purchase this when I get back next week. The new design is sexy - could she be sexier? And YES I understand that it is a graphic woman. But hello - she may even be added to the ultimate superhero tattoo right next to wonder woman and storm. Anyway, they changed the voice - a British actress, Keeley Hawes, who actually played Kitty in Tipping the Velvet and is on MI-5 a BBC show. So... HELLO KITTY!

check it out at www.tombraider.com AND to hear the voice - check out the TV ad which has been on Cartoon Network Adult Swim all night. Speaking of Cartoon network - watch Birdman. HYSTERICAL!!! old school comic stars including birdman of course, and old Hanna Barbera cartoon characters. Birdman is a lawyer and he defends old cartoon stars like that shark show which was scooby doo with a shark, and they did a great spoof of the Sopranos with the Flinstones. Funny. And watch Futurama because it is hysterical. And Boondocks is GREAT - if you liked the cartoon you will like the show - regina king is a great cast for the lead kid who I want for my own (again, yeah its a cartoon).

Clearly I am tired and loopy.

Good night.
k

Why I love Napoleon Dynamite, by KLD

Easter was full of phenomenal food and many loved ones. Alyssa was so cute when she tried to eat the long eared chocolate rabbit which was almost as tall & thin as her. Cute. And little Lauren was adorable in the posh Easter dress I bought her for her birthday. The night ended with a public viewing of Napoleon Dynamite. And I was shocked to learn that people do not like this movie. How I say? How? And so, I dedicate this blog to the Haters in the group.

I first saw Napoleon Dynamite (ND) in an Art Theatre in DC with Eric. At first, I was annoyed at the movie because I thought it was poking fun of people with mental disabilities. Then came Deb and Pedro and I realized it wasn't that at all. Instead it is about life, friendship, happiness and love. Right? Yesterday it was posited as a spin of revenge of the nerds - and yesterday I agreed but it is much more than that. And not really revenge as ND is not so much vengeful as he is just trying to live and be happy.

We learn a lot in the first few moments - namely that ND has a brother and a grammy who was quick to leave ND and bro home in charge of the house and the llama. Gram heads out on a sexcapade and is clearly living her own life. Brother, even more geeky than ND, arguably has a life too - albeit a dial up internet techie geek logging lots of minutes on internet dating. Bro thinks he is a stud and of course to us he is anything but. ND is floundering, lacks interpersonal skills, and wears inappropriate clothing.

The movie is appealing especially if, you have ever dreamed up an interesting creature - like a Liger; dreamed you were a superhero or a ninja; been in a position where you love a certain food and worry about the next time you will be able to have tater tots (or m&ms)forcing you to stock pile them in your pants; Or been so insecure that the only defense you have is to poke fun of someone elses by yelling something nonsensical like "your mom goes to college."

The movie is about being alone and not wanting to be alone. Its about making your family from whomever makes you happy. Finding friends and love in the unlikeliest places - the new kid in school or the glamour shots gal. Part of the appeal is that mid-west, can this really happen feel to it.

The reality is that there are people in our lives who live in the glory days (uncle rico) and cannot live in the present. Their greatest accomplishments happened 20 years ago and that one moment (almost making states') has ruled and ruined his life. There are others who take risks that we might not take (Brother) who tries online dating and falls in love. Still others who run for president (vote for Pedro) and others who wear their hearts, insecurities, and other emotions on their sleeve (both ND and Deb).

And despite having no parents, despite being poor (at least working class), despite the rural Midwest, or being 30 in high school (like that blonde football guy), or being the cheerleader, or the new kid, or the new Mexican kid in rural America - people are still happy. It may be different than our lives - but we all find happiness, friends, and love. Its all possible.

All this sappy stuff and humor too. Ridiculous, dry, sometimes hard to find humor. But its there. How funny was it when his brother put on the roller blades and asked for a ride to town. Funny! RexCanDo! Funny! That dance at the end - sweet!

We all have our own inner ND. We have our own annoying phrases (jeeezzze, peeps, good lord, iiiidddiiiooott, etc); weird shoe things (boots in the summer, or tongs in the winter); bizarre ways to drink gatorade (throwing back the head and slugging it down vs. Making sure its in that special cup with lots of ice); or getting pissy about waiting for our ride; brown old school prom suit vs. oxford and sweater vest.

So, clearly if you don't like it - try to take it to my approach to the movie and rewatch it. Or never put it in again. I say its worth it. Its about each and every one of us! It says Take a Risk. Love. Be happy. Play tetherball. But never work in a chicken farm.

And...Uncle Rico was in X-Files, 90210, Texas Ranger, 2nd season of 24 - 1 espisode, The Pretender, and a couple episodes of Seinfeld.

Enjoy!

k

Mr. Anderson?

My cousin Leon tells me that no one reads my picks. Leon also tells me that I also need to purchase and review the new Pink CD because it is the best ever. Hey, Lee, what I didn't tell you is that I will purchase it tomorrow on iTunes - which I love! Leon has an iPod but I believe that Leon's is a video iPod, Mr. fancy pants.
Leon also tells me that I need to Fng mention him one f'ing time. So, this is for you, Leon.

Leon, my cousin, is the one I blamed for my being gay. The cousin, Leon that is, who refused to let me drive his go cart. My cousin Leon who introduced me to Cher, Bette, Genesis, and Men at Work. My cousin Leon with whom I used to sing many songs and correograph many dances. We, my cousin Leon and I, wrote a song one day. The song Leon and I wrote had approximately 10 different words but it works and the dance rocks. Leon is a great dancer who used to win many dance competitions at places like Chowder Pot and the old Wolworths. Did I mention that while walking in Wolworths one day, I popped a piece of cherry bubble yum in my mouth. Leon did not give me that bubble yum as he liked to bogart it all for himself. Instead Frank gave me the gum - snuck it to me really, as mom said I couldn't have it (suprise - just like I couldnt go see the Go-Gos, Kiss, Prince, or Sean Cassidy - all concerts I was going to see with Leon. Maybe Leon was the problem.). So, I was chewing this fabulously tasty brand spanking new gum that Leon did not give to me, in the Wolworths. In my cow like chew, the gum went flying out of my mouth landing on the Wolworths floor. And THAT was the first time the 5 second rule was officially started. Leon did not invent that rule, I did.

I love my cousin Leon. He rocks! I hope you like this blog Lee, maybe now you will finally read my blog.

love ya cuz!
k

Kenny Rogers is Roasted

Didn't they just do country - I remember Suds in a Bucket but nothing else.

As you know one of my all time favorite Kenny Rogers songs is Islands in the Stream with Dolly Parton. And who doesn't sing the Gambler when they are folding in a hand of poker? But Kenny looks like a new, different person. As Janet says, that is what happens after so much surgery - it all comes back and sags back to reality. He looks like a melting version of his madame tousseaus (sp) wax twin. Are his eyes even in their sockets. And singing - well he is just talking to music which annoys me. Hit one of those notes Kenny - you can do it! The sentiment of the song is nice - I can't unlove you - but listening is making my ears bleed.

Ryan - did anyone decide if he really had a face peel or something. He looks so different.

Paula's hair looks great this color - more her natural color.

Simon needs a Bro.

Taylor - horrible. That was honestly slightly worse than me singing that song.
Mendisa - she looks like a metronome with a coconut shelled bra on, number one, and number two country just does not do her voice justice.

Elliot - I really like him. He can riff it out and he is one funky white boy. All his songs sound the same and 1-800-DEN-TIST should be on his speed dial - and maybe he can get a referral for recommending Bucky.

Paris - again, I loved her in the auditions but I am really done with her. She cannot bring it. I love this song but LeAnne Rimes rocked Paris not so much. I kick on this song in the shower. The song was so outside her range. I just do not get how she can do Billie Holiday and ROCK IT and not be able to do this song. Billie Holiday for godamnsake. And is her mom Ertha Kitt? She looks just like her.

ACE - I HATE HIM! DESPISE HIM! WANT TO PLUCK HIS EYEBALLS OUT & RIP THE EYE BROWS OFF HIS FACE with a putty knife! Shampoo is a good thing. Walkin' where Ace? He sounds like Peter Brady singing Time to Change! He needs to go.

Pickler - did she have a boob job? Or is she just wearing a teddy? And why is she wearing a teddy? Great song choice - weird coming up the asile especially since we learned over the course of the show that she cannot really move and sing at the same time. Pretty good. She can be safe this week. The pointing and dumping motion must be removed from her repitoire post haste. She could have won I want to be a Contry Star with LeAnn Rimes - and her friends look like gypsies, tramps, and thieves.

Chris - I LOVE HIM! Great voice and he is so cute.

Katharine - sultry is the word but wait, did she forget the words. She can't do sultry well especially when the outfit is horrendous. She is too cute - but sister can't really shake it. My theory of good dancer makes for good lover has been actually proven false - although the jury is out on whether only one person needs to be able to dance. But I digress. She has a great smile and it works for her. She is hot and cool.

Bucky - now when Kenny said "you have to annunciate or it won't make sense" you knew this song was going to be tricky. I missed the story but he is so at home in that whole cowboy persona he's got going on.

I remain utterly disappointed in the song choices. Who will be on next week? Donny Osmond? Actually, that would not be bad. I love Donny and of course Donny and Marie were on the TV Land awards and they ROCKED THE HOUSE. They should be on - maybe being blinded by their enormous teeth will prompt dental work.

Results show.....Ryan is annoying with the three groups. This is annoying. and rock on with Queen next week. How cool. Mendisa, Elliot, and Paris in the bottom. I know that she was horrible tonight but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! I didn't vote. I am SOOOO PART OF THE PROBLEM. PARIS IS ALIVE! HOW COULD Mendisa BE GONE? I am crying. I am pathetic. sapola. although they need a new song. Ok this is better for her because wherein she is obligated to do the AI tour she is NOT obligated to sign a contract with them. So, maybe Barry will sign her. The VOTERS SUCK! She should have sung a different adios but alas.

Now what? Who is in the top? Pickler, Ace, Paris, and Bucky? Clearly it could happen. I should stop watching. They should have just kept chicken little. The great news is that her CD will be out by the summer.

later,
k
p.s.
Did I mention that I leave for Florida on the 21st? YEP I am! I cannot wait. I need the sun, and golfing with Uncle! whoo hoo!

March Madness is over!

Can you believe that game. Maryland pulling it out against Duke. What an unbelievable women's tourney this year. I am proud to say I did pick MD to win in the brackets (yes even beating UCONN).

And what about BT playing with Sue Bird and Annie playing with DT! or is that backwards. In anyevent - rock on BT, Sue, and Wilnet (in LA). Go Huskies!

Bring on the spring sports!!!