Lady in the Pink

Hartford, CT (KP)

The Dave Matthews Band concerts have become synonomous with drug busts, toilet discharges, accidental death, and underage drinking. Last night was no exception, save for the "Lady in the Pink."

Anticipating the mahem, the Meadows Music Theatre, nay the Dodge Theatre, was prepared with a throng of additional security guards and event staff. An employee only known as Dawg remarked, "Yeah Dave usually brings in the party crowd. Although I prefer concerts like Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow, this situation allows me to exert a level of force and power that is missing with the more mature crowds."

Wading through the quagmire of empty beer cans, fans setting up their telescopic microphones to tape the concert, and t-shirt vendors, I was intrigued by the differences in attendees: the 18 year olds who have yet learned to hold their beer, the 13 year olds giggling at being at their first concert, parents dragging their feet as they pop in the ear plugs and shell out hundreds for paraphenelia, and thirty somethings discussing the philosophical notions of the version of Bartender played at the Meadows two years ago.

Sure I had heard of DMB and I actually own some CDs but this level of fandom was crazed. And then I witnessed something beyond the beyonds. I saw the Lady in the Pink. It was so bizare that I could not keep my eyes averted. She and two kids were sitting about 8 rows back from the stage - and clearly she was a fan as she could not stop taking pictures of the stage. Dave introduced the opening act and she started SCREAMING! And I mean it was loud. I was in the press box so I was pretty close to the scene. Next thing I saw was a crowd of kids walking into the row with the Lady in the Pink. The look she gave the incoming kids was one of worry and disdain for one of the group was severely intoxicated and proceeded to sit down immediately. The look she was giving the security guard at the front of the stage was one of abject solicitation. I could not help but wonder if she was actually attracted to this obese, dirty, much older man, or if she merely wanted to encourage him to give her a seat in the front row. The little hand waves and winks were a bit much.

Around 30 minutes into DMB's set (9:30pm for those attending tonight's concert) the girl vomited. And the Lady in the Pink went into action. She approached the closest security guard and asked that the girl be removed and the row cleaned up. She then moved her party and two additional kids into the aisle and exclaimed, through a cute little smile, "we are not going back into that row, we have flops on." The guard looked to the heretofor mentioned older guard at the front row who was now grinning and motioned to the Lady in Pink and her party to come forward. What a coup! She managed to get 5 seats behind the guards at the stage. The Lady in the Pink proceeded to scream into the air - "DAVE! I LOVE YOU! PUKING GIRL, I LOVE YOU! BUTCH! CARTER! BOYD! I LOVE YOU!" I could hear her as though she was sitting right next to me. The woman in front of her was none too pleased and turned to whisper something derogatory. The Lady replied, again in a scream, "My ticket is the vomit on my feet." At which point Dave himself actually choked on stage and smirked. Amazing. The Lady and her party were ushered to a new section of the stage - this time in back of a camera man.

The location did not stop the Lady from screaming her desires for the band. Carter was all smiles as she screamed for him to ... well we have children who read this paper. Butch, the keyboardist actually stopped playing to give her a two handed wave as she professed her love of his dexterity. Even Boyd gave her a little extra zeal on his violin. The most amazing however, was when I noticed her lifting her shirt to the septagenerian staffing the corner of the stage. Why would she do this folks? Why indeed. One can only hope that it was something innocent. I fear however it was not.

"That Lady in the Pink, she F#$! up our set on a number of occasions. We were amused." Said Dave. "It takes a special kind of person to be that kind of crazy, and without apparently any undue or illegal influence. I'll probably write a song about her."

"F--k that Lady in the Pink B---h" said the camera man who was taping a DMB documentary for public television. "I don't have one good F-----g cut for this film. Every song has her F'ing piercing F'ing scream on it. I could kill her!"

Well hopefully he will never know who she is. Hopefully she will stay home tonight, as DMB is in town one more night. Time will tell if Dave will come through with his promise to write a song. Until then, keep listening.

Dear Sweet Skinnyass Liz

Tonight was Spa Night. Ri, Sonia and I each used gift certificates for an hour long massage. Of course I got deep tissue, which is my preference, and of course who comes out to give me said massage - a praying mantis of a girl. Ok so she was over 21 but she was literally about 100 pounds which as you know is the size of one leg. Inanyevent, she makes Side Salad look like a Ceasar for two. So, I can picture it, she is going to strain herself working my back. So, we go into the room, I disrobe and get comfy under the HOT blankets. Not sure why it was so hot and the AC wasn't working but it was ok. the sheets smelled so clean and fresh. and then liz asked the appropriate questions: how ya feeling? any pain? where do you want to work today? why deep tissue? etc. So, I tell her about my burn (which i reipped to shreds last night and is pretty ugly, and my broken toe and yeah feel fine get to work.

Let me tell you, this skinny little thing worked my back like no other. Way better than my best masseuse (carlos in puerto rico) EVER! She got on that table and worked those elbows into my back - I literally started drooling. NOw, I had prepped for the event by shaving but I wasn't particularly careful about all spots. She was working my legs and she sort of was rubbing in areas that I had not considered shaving because HELLO who would have thunk she would have basically followed my panty line. Of course it was not unprofessional or smarmy just unexpected to say the least. Clearly she is not a germaphobe because they way she was massaging me, would have caused me to get right into that Silkwood shower ASAP!

In anyevent, if you need a good massage therapist - go see liz, she can HOOOK IT UP!! Of course she is probably crippled and living in an ice bucket after working me but hey - she was good.

Serenity! and this time I mean it!

Isn't a Vasectomy the same as a neutering?

Trixie brought up a curious inquiry although I do not think she meant it. Apparently she has been thinking that a vasectomy was the same as neutering a cat or dog. Sorry, Trix, balls are for people not for neutered cats. Funny!

As you can imagine, this prompted a denegration in the conversation. The distinction between neutering and spaying (thank you Bob Barker), vasectomies vs. neutering, Hermaphradites vs. eunics, and various other part chopping and removing subjects.

It also prompted a bunch of lesbians to sit around pondering whether or not my little Satchmo actually had a penis. Now I understand the distinction between a vasectomy and spaying and neutering. I also know the difference between boy and girl cats, as I have both. Apparently, however, since I did not ever see or feel Satch's pee-pee, his manhood came into question. I was accused of having a vet that didn't know whether he removed balls from my cat, or from sexing too soon, and my general mental state was once again questioned by my peeps. Not bad enough I am accused of not being able to complete a crossword. So what Saturday gives me issues - WHATEVER! Anyway, although I did not pinch and prod, or coax Satchmo's parts out of their little hiding place, I did confirm with Dr. Doolittle herself, and confirmed the maleness of Satch. Case closed...its a boy!

Plus, I've never seen a girl cat sit the way my boy does.

Netflix

I often question why I still have Netflix but the absolute comfort in knowing movies are at my house or at least will be coming soon. So, I figured I would give you the review of some Netfliz and regular old Blockbuster movies.

Skeleton Key - Kate Hudson is a hospice nurse in New Orleans (and by the way if ever I need a hospice nurse, Kate would be a great choice) and is looking to making some money - So she takes on a private gig involving a stroke victim, John Hurt, and what is her name from back in the day...blonde. She was in the Notebook, and I think even the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Anyway...Of course there is an old house and HooDoo. GREAT twist. Suspenseful and not as scary if you don't believe in ghosts or hoodoo or voodoo.

Failure to Launch - Matthew McConnnahey (sp?) is a 40 (although he may have been playing a 30 year old) still living with mom (kathy bates) and dad (terry bradshaw). He has two friends who are also live at home and they meet daily for various adventures - trail biking, rock climbing, etc. I think Matt had a job sailing or selling sail boats but I don't really remember. Mom and Dad attend a party for parents living with their grown male children and one of the couples finally got their kid to move out. Enter Sarah Jessica Parker who is hired to do the same for Matt. Of course the game/job ensues and of course love follows closely and you can probably predict the end. Zooey Deschanl is in it as a freaky suicidal depressive. I love her - she was in elf as the girlfriend and in Eulogy - and she was good. Actually mostly everything was good. It was a cute romantic comedy. Unfortunately there was no real chemistry between SJP and MM, and there was a naked TB, from the rear. Alas. worth watching.

The Dukes of Hazzard - well. hum. honestly I think i rented it because of the Jessica Simpson These boots were made for walking song (which was not in the movie) and Lynda Carter. Wow this was bad. One the casting of the duke brothers was horrible. HORRIBLE. I loved TDoH and although admittedly I was interested in the hot car and daisy - I do not remember the boys being so DUMB and so overtly sex crazed. Maybe it was my preoccupation or perhaps it was just the 70s being all subtly sexual. In any event, horrible movie. JS cannot act her way out of a bad movie - and the fake accent made it worse. Burt Reynolds did really well as Boss hog. Lynda Carter was married to Willie Nelson which threw it all off and she looked old and haggard. Please spare yourself.

Mrs. Henderson Presents. Most of you will hate this movie. I was at the premeire when I was in England and even that cool experience did not make me warm to this movie. Will something from the original American Idol starred. The back story (read real story) was basically this rich woman whose husband died bought a theatre and created a vaudevillesque review. It started as basic music review that ran all day - thus breaking from the traditional mold of the 2 performances per day. Then everyone copied them and they needed to change it up....bring in the naked women. It was 1939/1940ish and at this time they needed a permit for nakedness and general debauchery. So, the naked women had to be standing still - not moving so it was more like art. Anyway. My memory of the real story is that there was real burlesque and moving naked women in the real story but there was not in this movie. There is war, soldiers, women, a naked bob hoskins, dame judy dench. Slow movie.

The Closet - this was actually sort of funny. There were at least two scenes where I laughed out loud. It was subtitled and it was French. Gerard Depardieu was in it but a bunch of other french actors that I recognize but don't know. Anyway, the main actor is a divorced, boring, predictable accountant who realizes he is going to be fired. He calls his ex-wife (whom he believes he is still in love with) and son (who thinks dad is too boring to hang with) and tries to jump off the balcony. He's saved by a cute little kitten and an old queer next door. So, they hatch a plan to keep his job and he becomes a straight man pretending to be gay. Everyone's impression is changed and he keeps his job. Amusing. Cute.

Transporter - Action. Ex-navy seal moves to France and becomes a transporter of goods for the underworld. Rule 1. the deal is the deal. Rule 2. never ask names. Rule 3. never look into the bag. So, what does he do...look into the bag. In the bag there is a girl. Well that opens a whole can of worms. Action - but like 1999 action which really means that there is room for improvement and they tell me that Transporter 2 is much better. Could be that 4-5 years of additional acting experience would really help the main character act better.

And the biggie..... PIRATES of the CARIBBEAN 2. You all may know I love Johnny Depp and Love the original Pirates - which clearly I need to rewatch. Anyway, it is different than the original in that there is less swashbuckling action and more sort of Johnny Depp being Jack and I believe setting up for the 3rd installment. It was definitely entertaining. I definitely go see it again as some of the movie was interupted by a 7 and 10 year old chatting with me throughout. Must see on the big screen.


That is it. I am watching Season 7 of Buffy during this rainy dreary day.

Enjoy!

7 year old

The cutest thing. We went to the movies with Ri's neice and nephew. We went to BK first and one of th ekids said "oh my god" which prompted me to go through the Sir Mix A Lot song Baby Got Back intro. "Oh My God Becky. Look at her But. It is so big. She must be one of those rap guys girlfriends. They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute. etc." Which in turn gets the kids to singing the song. So, they ride with me to the movies, and of course I have the song in the i-pod and more than happy to play it. We start jammin' to the tune and roll up to the gas station for some movie snacks. We get out of the car and Drew grabs my hand to walk with him to the store. Some old guy passes by and Drew says "back off mister." I ask why he said that he responded "that guy was checking out your but and you are with me tonight."

It was so cute. Some have put a spin on it like - great he is learning to objectify and possess women. But hey, it was a cute moment and the next song he will be singing is likely to be Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen!

The Video from Hell!

I almost peed my pants laughing at Freebird's Jump Video. I taped the thing, well, mostly. 7 year old Drew had a part in the production as well. Let's just say, his was actually straight and focused. Not only did I say things like "Drew, make sure you get the shot" (with attitude) and "I should be a videographer with all these skills" and "I ROCK at this" but I tempered it with comments like "I can't find the plane," "Where is RiRi" and "Drew can you find her." While this was happening I basically filmed the grass (as though I would find RiRi in single unfocused blade of grass) and the clouds. The sky, and blur. Nothing was in focus. It was all shaking. I taped 4 minutes of the blurry sky and 2 minutes of chain link fence. It was HYSTERICAL! HYSTERICAL! A classic was that I was taping RiRi in side view somehow - who knows what I was doing or thinking. Actually if I didn't talk and sing and stick my big head throughout the show you might have thought Kate Hepburn came back from the grave to tape the jump.

Word to the wise.. NEVER ASK ME TO VIDEO TAPE ANYTHING!

Is it a bird? A plane? A Deranged Angel? No...Its Snowbird!

Hello my hot and humid peeps! Our dear friend, the Snow Queen, abandoned her usual place on the slopes and took flight. Yes, sure she needs "candies" to get on a plane. Sure, the plane she rode in was a puddle jumper at best. Sure, she had to jump out at 10,000 feet, free falling to what could have been a big old splat in front of her neice and nephew. But did any of that stop her? NOT our girl! Twixie took flight sans candies and made the journey skyward to jump out of a baby plane, tethered to an instructor and with parachute of course.

We waited a million hours (ok 4) for her turn to arrive. She was suited up, with the instructor getting a bit close to her privates if you ask me! Then Jessie, a cute instructor who demonstrated the universal symbol for "have a good flight." We met Randy, her 135lb instructor and then they boarded a truck and headed to the plane. The plane took off and in the distance we heard a yelp from the Snowbird.

Then there was about 15 minutes of panic when I thought, shit, she died somewhere between 10,000 ft and the ground and her limp body would fall down to the ground breaking all bones in her body and I would have to try to get my act together enough to console the distraught neice and nephew. BUT THEN WE SAW 4 chutes open in the sky. Of course we didn't know which one was Snowbird until the scream came.

Apparently at 1,000ft your voice comes back! She screamed Su-San from above and then just screamed. It was AWESOME to see this happen. Snowbird ROCKS! I am so proud of her and she deserves all the accolades that come with conquering fears, and meeting your goals, living your dreams, and telling death to fuck off!

Go Snowbird! But don't ask to see the video as clearly video production is not in my future. The video is more Sky, Grass, Sky, Grass, Cloud, Sky, Grass, Sky, shake, blur, and less of our fearless free bird.

Why you shouldn't lie to Children - Reason 1148

Today I received a call on my cell phone from my 6 (almost 7) year old nephew DJ. I answer thinking its his mom and he says "hi aunt karen." I of course was sooo excited because the kids never call me and he told me all about the movie Hoodwinked. Said it was hysterical and gave me a verbal recounting of one of the characters swallowing a camera and all the noises that he makes while the camera is in the stomach. CUTE! The movie synopsis ends and I say well, is that the only reason you called...thinking perhaps that his mom needed to talk to me. He then gets that cute but getting annoying because he is getting older baby voice and he asks me "aunt karen, I want to know how you got your powers."

Now there are two problems...
First, when he was like 3 or 4 I had one of those superimpose my head on spiderman's body pictures done at Universal Studios. Of course he thought, because he was a baby, and of course I encouraged, because I am a big kid, the notion that I was in fact Spiderman. Yes, many of you know this story. However, now he wants to see the web (so, I point to some bizare tendon split in my wrist and tell him that is where it shoots out); and today he needs to know where my powers come from. I tell him "it took years of training and lots of suffering." What else could I say? I lied to you! NO! Then I ramble about being at work, thanks for calling, I love you, bye. Good lord. I need to tell this kid that I am not spiderman. How is this going to happen? Webapause is the best possible solution. I can give some long explanation about weight gain which means I can't inch into the skin tight suit, and maybe the afro will start peeking through the spidey mask, that the web dries up, and the carpel tunnel makes it hard to climb buildings, and frankly the boobs are in the way of repelling from tree to building to skyscraper. UGH! HE WILL BE HEARTBROKEN. Who am I kidding - I am HEARTBROKEN! And not only over the fact that I cannot be spidey for him, or me. ok just me.

Second, I take full responsibility for the mid-morning call. Why? It seems I may have taught him how to "lift" the cell phone from his mother on the 4th of July. I didn't mean to do it, but I am NOSEY as well all know and she had one of those pink Razor phones and she had little beads bedazzled all over the cover. And I needed to first mock her, second, play with it and of course finally, I had to add some pictures of myself to the picture ID. And after DJ complained he couldnt call people on the phone I said - well get mommy's cell phone and call me ANYTIME. And so he did.

I am fully responsible for this kid's future therapy and unnatural obsession with superheros. I admit that. This is probably a good indication that I should not make things up, should not lie to kids, and perhaps I should infact put the kabosh on the growing underground little known notion that I am the second coming. Not sure who I am the second coming for but it is either great and will lead to my eternal salvation - or I'll be rockin' in hell with the rest of y'all.

later gators.
k