Chachi

I think my new haircut is making me look like a helmut head. You know what I mean, the old ladies who go for a wash dry and fold (ok wash set dry) and they come out looking like they are wearing a hard hat. And I have this new wave pattern that is so much like old school Chachi or Rocky Balboa in the first Rocky, not the new Rocky Balboa. Actually not the first but the second, when he wore the red white and blue. Or was that the first. WHATEVER! I think I need the old cut back.

Maybe having hot water - FINALLY - tomorrow morning will make my hair actually look better. Or I need gel. Or my old cut.

Was Charlie's Angels always so Lesbianese?

Anyway, Charlie's Angels is now on at 10pm on the I (formerly the pax) Network. And there are shows I dvr just to fall asleep to - Seinfeld and Charlie's Angels. CA is one of my favorite all time shows - I love the angels and learned some great cop/PI moves from watching sabrina mostly but the other angels too. My heroines. KAPOW!! And well if you didn't know this about me and yet read this blog you get my obsession.

I love Sabrina and I drooled over my Farrah puzzle with the red bathingsuit and erect nipples and just enough cleavage, perfect pearly white toothed smile, the eyes, legs - one knee up, arm resting on the knee, head thrown back just enough for the curls to fall perfectly, and ...oooohhh my bad, Sorry I digressed.

So, I am watching this more often now and basically just watch for my favorite episodes - like Kelly getting shot. Well some episodes stick out as being particularly lesbianese. The Angels in prison episode - HELLO MATRON and the naked shower scene! And now the Spa episode - the all women spa with a bunch of lesbian types trying to give Kelly a physical, hypnotizing her, massaging, sauning, etc. Big burly women. And then there's Bri...doo doo do! (sing that to the Maude theme song).

Upon further reflection there was a lot of lesbianese stuff going on in this show that I clearly subconsciously picked up as a child. Forget blaming catholic school, Sr. Rosemary, Leon, or playing softball...its all Aaron Spelling's fault!

Finding my religion

So, some of you know that I've been searching for faith. Well, I have been going to mass - not catholic, believe you me! Its been great. So great, that I received a holiday card from the minister (or reverend? deacon? priesty dude? guy with the robe but only because the woman left?) - sure there was may the peace of god be with you written in it. But the biggest sign that this was a truly open and affirming church.....the cover of the card had Jesus in a kayak.

:)

Match

Today was the annual work Yankee Swap. I love the Yankee swap but clearly there is an issue with communicating the rules. Namely, my idea of a Yankee swap includes some seriously funny regifts. The pink chenille fuzzy sweater two sizes too small; the bull frog brillo pad holder; stuff like that. Some people get it - there were santa candles, a wooden fish (that was from me), the annual fruit topiary (again mine this one coming back each year for the past 4 years), and miscellaneous potpourri. ick.

So, today there were some newbies in the group and some old timers were not there. So, what happened. I SCORED on a fossil watch - steel with diamonds. ROCK ON! Someone else got a huge moose cookie jar, vanilla from mexico, wine loves package, and some cool stuff. I of course love stealing things from other people and got excited about stealing the watch that I thought was a robot watch but really the steel with diamonds is a man's watch.

Maria saw it and called it a MATCH! Man's watch! We peed on that one.

Don't be haten I saw Aiken

Why is it all the gay boys love a straight woman like Liza and all the straight women love a gay boy like Clay? Interesting. We love what we can't have I guess. Or we want to be what we love? Who knows. There is some lesson burried in there I am sure.

In any event, Clay was live at the CT Convention Center - Lincoln Financial Presents - with the Hartford Symphony Orchestra. The Orchestra was on for about 20 minutes and then did a littel sing-a-long and there was one of my cousins (my mom's 1st cousin's kid) a bunch of other people and a pathetic Julia D'mato who made herself known by prancing around and announcing to anyone who would listen that she was on AI with Clay. Well, Julia what have you done for us lately? Nothing.

The lights dim and out comes a gay boy with a great purple shirt, and he sits at the piano. Interesting. Later I would find that it is Jessie and he has been with clay and company since 2004. J and I decided that Jessie and Clay were an item and that we approved of the relationship.

Anyway, I love clay and am a nonsosecret Claymate. I love his voice. He is first so talented, so stereotypically gay, and a chatty cathy. He kept asking to dim the lights so that basically he could look out at all his adoring fans. this of course annoyed me because 1. i didn't pay for his chatterboxing I paid for his singing; and 2. it bordered on cockiness and arrogance. He can almost pull it off but if he was like this with Kelly Ripa I would have told him off big time!

His version of Most wonderful time of the year is great as is his version of Don't save it all for xmas (or something like that). His xmas album is great and he is so much stronger now than he was when it first came out. He was great and at one point when he started playing with his hair (which is now long) I was reminded of Shawn Cassidy and Leif Garrett. Clay is channeling rock stars of the 70's in terms of his hairdo. He is a bit too skinny and i have decided he is the 2000 version of Barry Manilow. And it all works for him.

LIZA

Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S. Cause Lisa with an S goes sssss not zzzzz. Z instead of S. Lie instead of Lee. Its simple as can be its LIZA!

Well, the Hartford Courant dubbed her as "exhuberant in trademark style." Well, she is LIZA after all. So, rock on Liza. I was so excited about seeing her - a legend right? I gambled a little and waited with bated breath for Ms. Minelli to take the stage. The lights went down and I screamed! LIZA! WHOOOO!
And then I saw her. She walked out in all her Liza glory. The hair. The look. The bows. The pink shimmery baby doll dress.

Her knees are like two metal avocadoes and her legs were the toothpicks. It was pretty funny and so I cracked up laughing right off the bat. She then shimmied and swear to god those knees knocked. It went right from her shoulders to the knees. And then I almost peed my pants.

Then she busted into song - and that was amazing. So her voice cracked and she wasn't as fluid as she was in the Carnegie Hall show, the Radio City show, the old Oakdale show or any other show she did 30 years ago. And I'm told the whole show was in line with the Carnegie Hall show. She also took some time between songs to get into character - which meant she stared into some unknown focal point in the sky and either furrowed her brow or looked sad or happy - THAT was interesting.

But she is Liza and she rocked until her Depends and costume change.

Outfit two was more of a Liza Cabaretish outfit - black shimmery top and velvet pants. So what there was a little camel toe. She's Li-Za! By this point she must have been tired so she did a number and then basically sat and let her pianist sing.

Now did I mention that the boys in the audience, particularly the boys in front of us sang each and every song. Every intonnation change, every nuance in the song, they knew. It was pretty amazing that like DG they too knew the Carnegie show and likely EVERY other one she's ever sung. I'd bet they knew every Judy, Babs, and Madonna song too. Alas.

So, Liza sat and listened to her piano man play and sing to her and she did bust out a little impromptu dance number - complete with hat!!! She ROCKED!!! And then, like a whisper, I heard a muttering "hhhmmll hhhmmm." Unfortunately there was no OIL CAN to help lube the hips and knees, so again she sat.

The best numbers were Sara Lee, Have yourself a merry little christmas, a number from chicago, Cabaret, and NY NY. She actually rocked with the last two and the xmas song. She is still hot because she is Liza. I just wish I saw her back in the day when she could shimmy shake and I noticed something other than her knees wobble, he voice didn't crack, and she was hot hot hot.

Did you get all the illiteration? or is it aliteration? you get it right?

Nair, you beautches!

I have mostly recovered from the waxing incident. Sure, I looked lepratic the next day, but Stacey's makeup skills helped some. So what a student told me to learn a lesson and not do that kind of thing on my own; I was told to have use the straight edge a student uses to shave his head; and told not to worry about it because it just blended with the other blemishes on my face. Shocking that I could make it through the day with friends like mine!

Despite this, and taking the advice of many of you out there, I picked up some nNir for my next foray into the next depilatory project. I tried it out today and now basically look like Roudolph the red-chinned freak! I can't wait (read extreme sarcasm) to try this on my lip!

Carol, heat up the wax for my next visit! BTW - I love the new cut. Thanks for not making me look like Nell Carter especially since Leon STILL sings me the Gimme a Break theme song every now and again.

later

Waxing Emergency

Sometime this weekend I realized my 'stache was getting less blonde and I ran out of bleach. So, last night I try a new product - Sally Hansen's instant wax. I am a hairsuit basically so I was happy to try something new and it seemed so easy. I warmed the wax strips between my hands and applied to the affected area making sure to pull hard enough away from the hair growth. Again, being hairy, I had to keep working it. I was happy with the results and thought wow 8 weeks of freedom! I went to bed and kept waking up with a burning sensation. crap.

This morning when I woke up I basically looked like I now had a red, blotchy, scabby mustache. I was red, sore, and there was a patch that went from under my nose basically to my cheek and I cannot for the life of me figure out how I did that one. The last time I saw this type of reaction on a woman's face - a friend of mine had gone downtown with her girlfriend and came back irritated and with a full goate.

So, I did the only thing I could think of I called in my own Stacey and Clinton (ok my own Stacey) and told her to bring in the makeup bag because I had a wax accident. I arrived at the office, thankful not to see anyone in the elevator or hallway and entered the suite. I yelled out, I had a waxing accident, just to warn the woman coming into my office. Now, what you might expect a co-worker to do, is exactly what she did. She laughed her ass off. Tears were literally streaming down her face and she could not breathe. Couldn't breathe. She was laughing so hard and I was getting upset but that just made her laugh more. She could not even look at me in the face while talking work stuff because of this problem.

Thankfully, Stacey arrived with baggie in hand and we went to work. Clinton remained collapsed in the chair gasping for breath between gaffaws, while Stacey helped me. I felt like a total dyke in that what the hell was all this stuff. Powders, creams, some pencil thing. Something that looked like lipstick but wasn't. I picked up the only thing I recognized- a stick of some sort that has cream that you blot on. So I used that and looked like I had now drawn on a mustache. So then came some white triangle thing and I had to blot and then the powder and more blotting. and then - I looked more like Santa with a white 'stache and so I had to put stuff all over my face. Now this entire time Clinton is hysterical and I am nervous and Stacey thankfully was holding in her laughter (mostly) and being sympathetic to my plight.

I am now looking semi normal - although Clinton did eek out that I looked sort of like Michael Jackson. SO NOT RIGHT! And they both agreed that I need to put on some lipstick just so that it will take away from the fact that I look like I just put cover up on my herpes symplex 99.

Another day in the life of me!

LOL!

What is a Dysfunctional Funeral?

We all know I a have a throne on the Sin Wagon! But, let me just add to my position. My Aunt passed away last week and the wake and funeral was this weekend. I haven't seen that much Gretian Forumla, black leather coats, grey capezios, and kids named Tony ia a very long time.

I walked in and was offered a shot of tequila. Ah..no! Well, it was in the toilet tank in the bathroom of the funeral home if I needed anything. THAT's normal! No, I made my way in - hey mike, tony, mary, marie, bill, tony, maryann, mike, joey, joe, joseph, paulie, tony, tony, joe, johnnie, bill, etc. and said good bye to aunt.

I did see a cousin whom I haven't seen since I was 10 - her mom fled in the middle of the night with her and her two sisters. Their father, my cousin, spent thousands of dollars and years looking for them - but hey when you are told you'll be killed if found, a kid stays away. Now she is back and she looks the same but older and with 4 kids. Clearly she didn't live up to her dreams, which saddened me enough to cry. But I cannot save one more fucking soul. Seeing her was great.

Next Bikers, although some are criminals and addicts, certainly alcoholics and abusers, they are also nice people. Gangs from all over the country sent beautiful flowers. BEAUTIFUL. Ok so the money that purchased them came from drugs or "hits" but literally floor to ceiling arrangements from the chapters from other states. Right, my cousin is a former angel. He'll love you to death. Literally.

I spotted a lesbian that I didn't know so of course I had to bogart my way into one of her conversations just to let her know that I knew she was a lesbian. ROCK ON! She was not cute, is married to a woman and they are on their third invetro baby. Oh I can get some dirt.

The rest of the evening was realtively quiet, well but for Lee hitting on every other hot hairy and bald guy he could see - and believe me there were a lot. Too bad we're related to them all. And there was also a moment when I thought Tittie Lamour didn't have a shirt on underneath her trench coat. Which with the new girls wouldn't have been a suprise. Anyway, we made it to the funeral.

There was a woman who was a mystery. She looked familiar - like maybe on the gay circuit because she SCREAMED gay. Turns out she is the girlfriend of a cousin. Now, this male cousin married one lesbian, dated a lesbian, then dated a cousin/possible lesbian, and is now dating a lesbian. Coincidence? I think not. Leon and I almost peed laughing at that. I laughed almost as hard as I did when the priest started speaking.

This priest, no lie, sounded exactly like Christopher Guest in Waiting for Guffman. JUST LIKE HIM. I was HYSTERICALLY laughing, in church. Almost more than laughing at the last time my mom made us go to christmas eve mass and we had a priest with a patch. Luckily heads were bowed and shoulders were shaking but more people were crying than laughing. It was a great mass in that my aunt picked out all her own music (PAINFUL) and readings (same old same old). My cousin did a eulogy and that was PAINFUL especially when she mentioned my grammy. nice.

The after party was full of food - the BOMB food. We stuffed our faces despite being packed in like sardines. One disturbing thing is that We have a whole generation of cousins - all under 30 - who are drug addicts. There is one who allegedly is not, and another who is 4 months clean from oxycotton. Well, you would not know it based on the fact that they were going to the car every 15 minutes or so to smoke pot, another had a purse full of perscription drugs they were all drinking, downing gallons of wine and grey goose, and one just out right asked me if i had a percocet. NO! I lectured them about respect for the dead and how would their grammy feel about it? I lamented over the children these folks have brought or will bring into the world and just shook my head. But again - I am saving no more souls.

Well, that is about it - it was an interesting day. Interesting tidbits, interesting characters. No more souls to save for me. I will miss my aunt but she is rocking with Auntie and Vera! Who is better then them. If only my grammy were here to hook this sister up with some spaghetti and crab sauce and chinese chews. Alas!