The Shooter

Ever decide at the last minute to go see a flick? You arrive at say 7:15pm and you really want to see a movie. Of course something is starting at that time (so now you are precariously close to missing all the previews), then at 7:40 but the thought of waiting around with the midsized throng of people makes your skin crawl; and then of course there is the 8pm show. Add to that the fact that the 7:15 has a star that you like and its a movie that is not likely to stir your already fragile emotional side; the 7:40 stars Sandra Bullock whom you adore but who doesn't really have a great track record and you fear wasting money on something like Johnny Neumonic (sorry carol); and the 8pm is likely the best picture of the year but again who can wait that long with the creepy people and no purell. And so you head into the 7:15.

Last night that 7:15pm choice was the Shooter with Marky Mark, Danny Glover, Ned "you thought I was dead" Beatty, and a kid with the last name Pena who starred in a gay Native American movie I once saw. Anyhow. The movie starts in what looks like South America but is actually Ethiopia. Marky Mark and some dude are in camoflage (sp?) and taking out the bad ethiopians. Of course we learn that Marky Mark is the best darn Shooter the army has and he was able to kill about 300 people all by his lonesome. Of course his friend gets blown away and they are left in the middle of africa (ok not the middle but you know what I mean) and marky mark has to use his stealthy skills getting out (we didn't see that part of course but it was intimated later). Anyway he gets out. Next scene is like 3 years later and we see a panoramic scene resembling Alaska but which is Wyoming and Marky has a bad ponytail and a big dog who is trained enough to take a beer bottle out of the fridge. He is like a recluse or something.

Flash to a government agency with Danny Glover at the helm saying that we need Marky Mark to help. Danny goes to Wyoming and plays the Do it for your country (a la grease 2) BS to convince marky mark to help the government track someone set to assassinate the president. Now, what you might not get here is listening to Danny Glover talk was like listening to Cindy Brady do her She Sells Seashells by the sheashore routine. His lisp was so bad and of course he had so many "sssss" words that it was distracting. I kept looking for the closeups to see if he had braces or a mouth guard, I pondered whether or not he had a stronke. It was friggin bizare. But not as bizare as the movie.

There was a weird love interest - it was his dead partners girlfriend who had some huge house in KY. Anyway she looked like she didn't need KY because the first shot of her was in a white tank top and all you saw was the outline of her nipples. She did close the robe when a shot and injured Marky Mark came over for help. She did have to perform surgery on him and thankfully dressed in a white outfit and a hand fashioned nurses hat just in case she got blood on her.

The movie was odd - my favorite scene was the scene with one of the gov't hench men who was in a wheelchair says in a froggie Sling Blade way "He's not dead." it was like a comedy - like some weird guy in a wheelchair rolls into the scene and says something completely non sequitor. There was also a scene with marky and the woman a day after the surgery and she mauled him right on his injuries and there was no wincing.

Lots of bad editing. Horrible screen play. HORRIBLE acting. HORRIBLE Lisping.

Please never ever see this movie. Please.

American Idol

Stephanie is gone - well, I suppose she should have been in jeopardy. What with losing her soul and all. ButI am not sure what to say, I am speechless really. How is it that Sanjaya is still on this show? He is horrible! HORRIBLE! Simon said it best - that little girl's face said it all. How friggin funny was that? Of course the rumors are that that little kid - who was 13 and not 8 like I originally thought - was a plant and that she was crying at every change in the contestants. Apparently her room is half spongebob squarepants and half american idol. A dream room of course. But good lord, she's a bit of a freak if you ask me. I mean honestly, I haven't cried like that over a celebrity since I was....ugh....crap......
Well, embrace the inner freak is what I say!

Instant Karma's Gonna Get Cha!

Adios Rob and Amber. They tried to throw off Mirna and Schmirna by lies and deceit much like the black widow, and guess what? They came in last place. I Love it! They are officially gone! Thank god - now Candace and Dustin need to go.

OH MY

I totally forgot - Janet K reports that there is a website and some internet scuttlebut regarding fixing the voting on AI (i.e., voting for Sanjaya) to piss off the voters.

Sanjaya is the new W Bush

Honestly, can the American Idol voters honestly want him in the competition? Well, this is what I learned - apparently he is appealing to the high school age girls. Sarah B reports that Sanjaya is like the best gay boyfriend. Apparently. Whatever, he SUCKS!

Diana is a DIVA - she teetered a bit in the beginning as she was striking her pose. But she is an addict so we have to give her a break. She did scream a bit during the song but she is Ms. Ross and is awesome and was great to see her. She looked the bomb!

Who is on next week? I missed that part fast forwarding through the commercials.

Mirna and Schmirna

Imagine my suprise when I realized some of my favorite and most despised teams were back on Amazing Race All Stars.

I have three favorite teams - the WV Coalminers (kicked off this week); Uchenna and Joyce (love them); and my favorite team all time Mirna and Schmirna! I didn't want to watch the show because I absolutely DESPISE Rob and Amber, Candace and the other beauty queen, Ian and Terry. I don't know some of the teams. But I HATE Rob and Amber. I HATE THEM.

So, I am going to start DVRing this show just to see Schmirna and Mirna.

I'm Comin' Out!

Ok so I am already out but its not about me. Tonight is Diana Ross on American Idol. I LOVE and ADORE Diana Ross despite some heartbreak associated with some of her songs. She is just beautiful and amazing. Ms. Thang looks the bomb and if you have not seen Lady Sings the Blues - you MUST rent it ASAP.

I like to watch and Blog at the same time so bear with me. Tonight should be great since Paula won't be the only one addicted to substances.

First up Brandon: He does think that he is a mini Lenny Kravitz but honestly kid, not happening. You Can't Hurry Love but apparently he can't catch up with the music. Poor performance. Voice cracking pitchiness will not win you this competition although it did allow Chicken Little and Justin Guarini to make it pretty far. WOW - how do you forget the words? Well you start moving your body in ways that are unnatural and Elvis like.

Hey - did y'all see the episode with Kelly Pickler. Apparently she was channeling her inner Barbara Mandrel and Dolly Parton - as she bought the boobs and did the old school big old finger curls. How horrible - titty lamore!

GO Angel and Bones! I am going to have to ask a question - Sanjaya, what exactly were you thinking when you blew out your hair?

The gay banter between Simon and Ryan must go because it is bordering on - wait, it is homophobic.

Melinda, the Turtle - I love her. HOME! I friggin LOVE this song. The Wiz is not one of my favorite movies - its ok and classic mind you. I love when the Turtle's neck expands as she comes out of her neck and the girls and it stretches in such a way that her eyes close as though it is the biggest relief of her life. Its endearing really. She rocks and is one of my favorites. Young Gladys Knight - that's pretty great.

Paula is whacked and crying. Honestly toke another dube sis. Ok now I am crying and wish I had a dube.

Chris - the Fro - WAIT Dianna just moved her hair and I saw a friggin hair clip - that weave is pinned in! Couldn't she afford to get it tightened up a little? Endless love. I can't quite put my finger on it but this version is like listening to David Hastlehoff - who of course is probably sitting somewhere in a corner crying - and Chris looks like he belongs on Sigmund and the Seamonsters.

Gina - Joan Jett Wannabe - is singing love child. She reminds me of Ryan starr from season one. Another great song. Pronounciate - honey, Diana, that is not a word but annunciate is. Again with the missing the melody but she picked it up. This afternoon I talked about hating her but she can do this song. She could be a slayer on Buffy now that I am watching her. I need a love child. This is a great song - I need to hook up the ipod with this one. Not her best performance but not horrible. The wooos were pretty bad though.

Sanjaya - Lil Michael Jackson - well, he should have been kicked off about 3 weeks ago. He cannot really carry a tune in a basket. Another question: Sanjaya, what did you do with the money? Answer: What money? Question: The money your parents spent on singing lessons. Horrible. Horrible. His hair is the BOMB but lord have mercy that was horrible and Diana said that he needs to get with the beat and since he is as thin as side salad (a.k.a. lettuce leaf) and he can only hulla/belly dance I can imagine you can't sing to the beat.

Haley - I wanna be a slut but I'm a good ole girl - the extensions and the low cut baby doll dress are just not working for me. Is that mole real? And ladies, we do not want a hootch shot every week. Missing You is a great song. Ok I MISS YOU you FAH! I forgot it was about Marvin Gaye. Horrible beginning - too soft and too much naked leg and drooping boobs (good to know young things like her sag too). WHAT is that outfit? And she forgot the song - she made it up and it is horrible - maybe because that ribbon is cutting off the circulation in her ass and back of her legs. She just ruined the song completely. That was hideous - absolutely horrible. She needs to be kicked off because she is not my favorite. Of course Paula says she looks lovely - if you are stoned and have been crying all night, well, yeah that would make her look great. We will only remember her because she screwed up the song and looks like a sack of potatos that just busted open a little. And I agree, she is a schmuck.


Phil - the living dead. I'm gonna make you love me! If he didn't look like he was dying of some hideous pandemic I might be able to look at him for more than 20 seconds and not think of dead people. Some men should not be bald. This is probably his best performance since the tryouts. Good job. Gads though he looks like a dying bird. He is rocking though - he really hit all the best parts of the songs. Rock on with your bad living dead self! Go Phil. He'll be here next week for sure and got some HUGE points for tonight.

Lakeshia - KiKi - I already adore her and think she rocks the house. God Bless the Child - how could she only have heard of this now. WHAT? She is the BOMB! She really listened re: long dress. I think Stacey and Collin said not to wear white as a big girl but she looks good ok minus the pull cord in the middle. She has such a beautiful voice and wonderful presence. Kiki! Unbelievable presence on stage. She amazes me.

Paula - what is she even talking about? And why is Simon wearing a white BVD?

Blake Box - how can you mess with a diana ross song like he did? Set me Free. Ok he sounds exactly the same on every song. He is part backstreet boy part jazzy jeff and part vanilla ice with those whack robot moves. This is just bad and the lighting is horrible. Hey did you know that I spelled lightening wrong in a spelling bee in the 5th grade and got detention for it.

Stephanie - I LOVE LOVE HANGOVER. What a great song. She should stop being Beyonce and just be Stephanie because after Dreamgirls Beyonce is last year. This song is hot. hot from back in the day hot. I love rocking out to the dance version of this song - HOT. Anyway, Stephanie wearing that drappery from the 70s really set the mood - but again with the Beyonce. At least copy Diana Ross back in the day. I still love her voice. Strive for better - arrangement is wrong, that is true. She forgot all the advice that DR gave her.

Chris - Justin Timberlake - The Boss. Another good song. He was completely butchering the song. Completely - you can't take the Boss and make it boy band. Honestly. You KNOW I would be working that stage. HORRIBLE. Why are these kids changing up the fabulous songs? This is weird. I was so sure that this kid needs to go. We are the boss and he needs to go. He did work the crowd - paula needs a boyfriend and regular action so she doesnt hump these poor kids like she does. Pitch-city USA. And he looks sort of creepy.

Jordan - I think she is absolutely beautiful and she is so talented. If we hold on together. OK this song is totally painful for me. FAH! It stinks that the sound was off on the song - the microphone song not her. What a great color dress - I need a shirt in that color. Her voice is great - a bit pitchy in places but she can hit the high notes - albeit a big of screaming - but I really like her and think she has potential for success. She is only 17!

My picks for kick off are Haley or Sanjay. HOWEVER Sanjay has been here for way too long and he clearly has a significant electoral college. I suppose Brandon could be kicked too. If people are complacent re: Stephanie's being in the top 4, Steph can get kicked instead of one of them.

I know its week one but my top 5 are: KiKi, Turtle girl, Gina, Chris, Jordan.

I am definitely tuning into Diana Ross on the ipod tomorrow. Definitely. I miss Ms. Ross! Its been a long time but now, she's back.

Leroy hook me up with some of the dance stuff that are not on the cd that I think i might have borrowed - lol! And maybe the Endless Love soundtrack if you have it. love ya.

Black Widow, My Family Style.

The pale cast over parts of my family is like a dark cloud of locusts waiting to hatch every seven years. Plus we are a family of drama and sometimes just can't help ourselves. And so, I received permission from my cuz to share this story so that others might learn from it.

As you know my aunt passed away in October, 2006 after a long battle with diabetes. My uncle was devastated and on Christmas he shocked us and saddened us all when he signed the card, auntie and uncle leon. He couldn't stay very long - as his pain and broken heart made it impossible. New Year's Eve approached and mysteriously enough my uncle picked up a woman from the airport and the Black Widow made her way into my aunt's house and tried to make her way into my uncle's heart. She was almost successful.

Cuz being cuz, would never let this woman rest. What you might not know is that my cuz is a bit brutal - saying whatever is on his mind. Including of course calling this woman a whore and a DB, and MFAH and a bunch of other curse words you might never yourself utter to someone you did not know. Sure we were all suprised but Uncle seemed so happy! Until of course cuz got ahold of her again. He freaked her so badly she ended up in the fetal position in the bathtub. Black Widow was mortified enough to get out of dodge before it got worse. Unfortunately I learned that my uncle didn't even get sex out of the deal. sigh.

Not being able to file her social security issues in the state in which she resides, she had to come to CT to make sure everything was ok. I know I'm not big on the law or anything but I thought social security benefits could be transfered to the state in which you live. But what do I know. In anyevent, Black widow crawled back into our lives - weaving her web of deceipt and lies. Litte did she know that my family has the market on deceipt, lies, drama, and we know everyone. And so LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

The following occurred in a three hour time span (Read the following as though a voice over is reading side effects of pills, i.e., read fast and incomprehensible): 1. black widow sees priest; 2. black widow tells priest she wants to marry uncle next weekend; 3. priest says no, it takes 6 months to prep (even when you are geezers) and widow goes home 4. priest gets haircut at cuz's salon; 5. priest tells cuz black widow visited; 6. cuz calls brother; 7. widow calls another church; 8. my mom who works at second churce notices the caller id and waits to be transferred to uncle; 9. cuz, brother, sis-in-law meet, draw up contract for prenup (ok they are not lawyers but did good job); 10. my mom finds out that it was not uncle but widow looking for priest to marry them; 11. mom calls cuz, bro, sis-in-law; 12. the whole family knows the story; 13. uncle confronted; 14; widow retreats, again, into bathtub. Round 2 my family. DING!

One would think that this would be enough. I mean honestly, if someone called me a whore as much as cuz called her, told me that my gapped teeth were caused by too much fellatio, and I found the entire town knew and thwarted all my plans I would get a little nervous. But nothing kept the Black Widow down. She really has guts because she kept coming in for more. What happened next you might ask. Well, the private investigator actually found that the Widow was wanted in another state for bilking an estate for $87,000; had racked up 12Gs in bahamian casino debt; and had another fiance who was also looking for money. And then there was the alleged foreclosure, and inability to pay any bills. Right, and the charges on my uncle's credit card. Other than that the PI found nothing. Needless to say that was enough for uncle to say - let's go lady, and kick her black widowing ass out of the house.

Can you imagine!? Oh I can. Well the bottom line is pretty sad because parts of the family are not speaking, and someone sent an anonymous unsupportive letter to the brothers. Now, the only thing we could tell from the letter was that it was mailed in southern ct. Oh believe me cuz is on it.

So, what is the lesson I wish to impart - be careful of the black widows and if you want to cause emotional damage to someone, call my cuz. That boy can find the smallest flaw and send him/her right into the tub - for a fee he might even turn on the water for a greater effect.

Bloggin Fool!

Well, its been so long and I have so much to say. I will be a ramblin peep in this post for sure. I will start with the most recent thing and then move backwards until I can no longer remember all that I have to post.

1. Today I met with some guy. I met him before on the road and remembered him only because I have that kind of brain and he was sort of smarmy. He called and made an appointment which of course I agreed to. Well, he came in today and frankly if he licked his lips, winked, and pursed his lips one more time I was really going to barf. He truly believes he is sexy and that he could sway me into making a decision by flirting with me. I'm sorry, were the rainbow stickers, pictures of female basketball players, and my overall persona clues that I would melt into his arms begging him to "do anything [I] wanted" him to do. Yeah - I purelled for about 30 minutes after that.

2. American Idol. How the hell is Sanjay still on the show? He is horrible. And although I think he is adorable, the blown out hair was not particularly attractice - well it was actually the bomb but he looked like a woman and I thought she was hot which got me all confused. The men on the show basically stink - except the crazy afroed guys. The women on the other hand - can you stand that "ramen noodle" girl got kicked off? She reminded me of a younger more diverse barbara streisand so I loved her. I love Lakeshia and you know I think the light skinned girl is beautiful. I despise that pron sart and she is now off the show so that is good Antonella or something like that. Now that we are into the top 12 I will try to be better about blogging.

3. All my shows are on hiatus so there is not much to report. All except the L Word. Now this is perhaps the best season after the first. The first was good because it was novel and they pushed the envelope with sex and openness about sexuality, etc. Seasons 2 and 3 were bad. I mean honestly - you kill Dana AND tame Shane in the same season. Honestly! Well this season is full of fun stuff - it is definitely Alyce's season and she has stepped to the plate as an actress. They added some necessary diversity in terms of privilege - I think. They try too much deep stuff - don't we talk about the war ad nauseum. And Shane as a parent. I hate Max and Jenny (still) but happy Marina has made a couple appearances. Anyway, marlee matlin and cybil shepard and now annabell sciora (sp?) are on as lesbians and they are great additions on the show. Worth watching again.

4. Can anyone explain to me the lure of the teeniest, tiniest pets. I see that it is for children little children but what do the teeniest of pets do but get jammed in the vaccuum and lost in the couch?

5. Pokey Chatman. Well, what can I say. On the one hand - boy do I wish I was that player - but on the other I understand clearly professional conduct is a must. I mean honestly - If I wasn't so professional I would have had my way with the dude in #1. ok bad example but I can come up with a few actual ones. Who hasn't fallen in love with a student? Of course the whole issue has turned into a lesbian predator issue which is pathetic. Pokey is a great coach and I am saddened at the loss to the sport and more so over the fact that women cannot come out even at her level of play. And Carolyn Peck was fired! Honestly what is the world coming to - she lead Purdue to a championship and then coached in the WNBA - not her fault (really) that her team went 6-20. A record I will say is 6 wins better than my high school teams' record my senior year. And lord knows that had nothing to do with ME.

6. Well that's all the rambling I could muster - why? Oh wait for the next post - its all about the drama.