The Hood

There was some excitement in the old hood tonight. I got a call telling me that the neighborhood was under lock down and there was an armed junkie on the loose. There were dogs, cruisers, cops, and a helicopter.

The perp lived in a house two doors from my parents - a house that has undergone significant curb appeal construction lately and typically has no less than 6 cars in the driveway at one time. The action went down about 8:30pm. When I called my rents at 10pm I woke them from a dead sleep and well, they had no idea what was going on. So they were unhelpful in my quest for information. My uncle - another in bed early person. Leon was able to find out that they caught the perp, he was hopped up on some dope, and attempted to stab his parents. They found him hours after his disappearance somewhere near the pond.

Too bad my parents are asleep at 730pm otherwise they may have seen the dude run through the yard. In the early 80s or maybe in 79, my dad caught a burglar. It was pretty cool - scarey since he had a gun (my dad not the perp) and my mom dragged me and sis out in the middle of the night after my dad who was after the theif. Yeah that's normal. No wonder I have issues.

The moral of the story - don't go to bed early or you'll miss 1/4 of your day and all the action.

Beat the Heat

I tried to beat the heat tonight and went to the movies after work. I was set to see Die Hard 4. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I made a last minute change and instead went to Fantastic 4, Rise of the Silver Surfer.

I did not like the first and thought for an instant that the 1st was, much like Pirates 2, a tease for the second (or in the case of Pirates, the 3rd). Unlike Pirates, Fantastic 4 was quite possibly worse than the first. Jessica Alba is georgeous - or should I say used to be georgeous when she was the Dark Angel. The horrific blonde hair and clear fake blue eyes were troubling - plus she is a waif. Captain Fantastic is such a sissy and appears more like captain of the mensa wanna bes than the Fantastic 4. The acting sucked and I lasted about 40 minutes and left. I walked into Evan Almighty which although religious, was very cute. I enjoyed it. Steve Carell was a good replacement for Jim Carrey although a completely different character. Morgan Freeman is absolutely perfect as God. That Gilmore girls chick who played the wife cannot act and was a horrible choice for casting. The kids were cute. The animals were great. It was even good to see John Goodman but he doesn't pull off serious too well - although Big Lebowski was almost serious. Wanda Sykes was just basically doing stand up. It was amusing but don't spend the money for big screen wait for Netflix.

Speaking of which - did I leave Volver at anyone's house. I know I think I threw it away but just cannot belive I would do something so completely idiotic.

And ... for the Buffy fans in the house... Sing-a-long Once More With Feeling is coming to NYC in July. I can't go in July so if you want to come with me it has to be August or September. .... I'm not sure how I will dress up, however, it might be good. maybe I'll just bring a bunny. As long as I get to sing... They got. The mustard. Out. They got the mustard out!!!

Dancing in Disney

Picture it...North Branford, 4:50am. A slight brisk breeze hardens my wet hair - of course I had on a hat and didn't really feel this pheonmenon plus I didn't shower because well, there were no clean towels in the house. But I digress. Seven of my family members, including me, packed up and hopped into what could only be described as a migrant worker transport vehicle, circa 1982. It was long, and white, and had two doors assumably to keep the workers from jumping out of the van once they realized they were going to be dropped into the tobacco fields of South Windsor for only 4cents a day. In the alternative, the van could have been used as a vehicle in which people committed a variety of crimes against nature. But on that day it was all ours. So we hopped in and andelled our way out of town. That is until my aunt stopped dead in the middle of the road so that she could answer the phone. WHAT? The middle of the road you ask. Yeah, she stopped and in the middle of the road. Are you understanding this. Stopped in the middle of the road to answer her cell phone. Needless to say, it was a long ride to the West Chester airport.


So, we drove to NY to fly to Orlando to dance with Mickey and Minnie in Disney. The airport is actualy cute - smaller, much smaller, than Bradley and reminds me a bit of Tweed. We grabbed some breakfast and boarded the plane. We landed around 11 but couldn't check into the house until 4pm so we had time to kill. We ate TGI Friday's and played a rousing, sweaty (cause we were dressed for the Connecticut Chill not the humidity of Florida) game of mini-golf. My aunt kicked our asses. Anyway - we were hot, tired, and Alyssa called us little bastards for leaving her and her gramps alone in the heat. Whatever! We grocery shopped - purchasing more junk food and alcohol than peanut butter and salads.

And finally we head to the rental house and I was expecting more shabby and what we found was a rockin 4 bedroom 3 full bath house with screened in pool area and a host of other rooms. I immediately dismissed having the ability to sleep in one of the master suites - why because there were two couples and one was my aunt and uncle so...I headed to the kids' room. There were luckily two - one for the kids (yeah Alyssa and DJ) and the other for me. Mine was decorated as though Christopher Robin barfed yellow Pooh filled spooge while little bees buzzed overhead saying Bee Happy and Bee Yourself and Nobody should Bee sad. And just when old Chris thought he was done he choked up a hairball in the shape of a fuzzy Minnie Mouse pocketbook. Given that it was a kid's room it was finished off with a set of twin beds. Its been a while since I slept in a twin bed and it was suprisingly comfortable even if every time I tried to turn over I had to hold onto one end lest I fall off the other side.

While I unpacked and neatly put away all the clothes I over packed and neatly placed my reading materials, and toilitries in the right places, I was deafened by the statutorily required pool alarm located on all doors leading to (say it with me) the pool. The sound was not a teeny blip or beep. Nor was it an annoying alarm clock buzz. Instead it was as though a total family of screetch owls and colicy babies decided to scream all at once. The alarms are meant to warn parents when their children go outside alone - so the disarming button is about 6 feet high. UNfortunately kids do not have short term memories so my precious little ones insisted on going in and out repeatedly causing said alarm to sound perhaps every 40 seconds. Then the adults of course would forget and there is no disarming button on the outside so anytime someone came in the alarm sounded. I seriously thought my ears would bleed and I was forced to threaten death to anyone setting off the fucking thing. The kids saw for the first time, scarey aunt kar.

Many of you may know that I tend to romanticize things. I have the perfect date (its never worked), the most romantic restuarant (again not working), the best vacation plans (dark cloud city), and all intentions of being swept off my feet by my princess charming (who by the way just does not exist). And so, I had visions - not of its a small world playing as penny thought - but of watching A & DJ walk into Disney with big smiles on their faces and 5 days of unbelievable giddiness and Disney filled wonder and bliss. When DJ replied that he would rather watch the Red Sox I knew my fantasy vacation was not to be. Alas. What is Disney? Disney is boring? WTF?

I cannot bore you with all the details of each and every day. We did visit the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom, MGM, and Blizzard Beach. The synopsis is this - I was more impressed with all the characters and with the exception of A, K & T joining me with Mickey Mouse adn the Pooh and Friends character breakfast - I was alone in my character shots. Again, whatever. A didn't go on much because of some fears. DJ went on some rides but was afraid on others and more concerned with amassing Disney pins. We ran from noon til 9 or 10pm. We weren't really early risers but saw great things. My favorites were the Animal Kingdom, Fantasmic fireworks in MGM, and MGM as a whole. Also Epcot. Magic Kingdom was well magic kingdom and just like every other time.

I ate more hot dogs, gross pizza, and chicken fingers! So you could imagine my stomach is not right. And Mickey Ears - yum - which is basically a klondike bar shaped as mickey ears and put on a stick. fabulous.

The real issues started on Thursday. We went to Blizzard Beach -yippee. And by this time in the week - after lecturing a 7 and 11 year old on everything from proper form for a softball pitch, to disciplining siblings, to why they should consider becoming lawyers, and everything in between - Auntie kar needed some time alone. So, I brought my book and my ipod and sat at the wave pool for the day. Prior to doing so the kids were donning sun block. I was particularly clear about NOT TOUCHING AUNT KAREN WITH 50 BLOCK. It was imperative that I not be touched. guess what I was touched. NOt only was I touched but I now have a white patch on my left arm. As if that wasn't bad enough, I have another issue on my other arm. We put on fake tattoos - mine was a little Sassy Tinkerbell. Now these fake tattoos are basically a piece of plastic on your body. So, not only do I have a white hand print on one arm from the block but I also have a little tinkerbell outline on my right. Yeah, that's butch. WTH!

Thursday night we get home and I am reading and Kristen is getting the kids in the shower. So, in an effort to not scare the kids she says Kar there is a huge spider. The thing was not just huge it was MONSTROUS. It was as big as my fist and it was brown and brown widowish and creeping along. This thing was huge. So, we wake up T and make him kill the spider - we HAD to kill it because WTH we couldn't catch and release - that thing was a KILLER. Unfortunately the only killer was T because when he hit the thing to kill it about 100,000 tiny spider babies came flying out of her engorged abdomen. That's right folks, 100,000 tiny babies. Nothing could kill these little buggers - not the grinding inthe rug, the hair spray, or anything else. They were everywhere. Thankfully, I was not going to sleep in that room so I went to bed.

And then Instant Karma got us.

Friday morning, while enjoying a cup of Joe and some bagels, the doorbell rang. It was the cleaning crew telling us that we had to get out of the house immediately. WHAT? Yes, you must get out of the house because a new family is coming in. What? GET OUT! Ok. Have you ever travelled with Kids? Kids in a magical place where the adults can spoil you even more with things that one should never buy when traveling on a plane - things like balloons, balls, stuffed animals won playing whack a mole? Well, that's a lot of stuff. And so... we miraculously took 45 minutes and packed up all our shit and got out of the house. It was fantasitc. FANTASTIC! We rocked. And then spent 2 hours romaing the streets looking for a place to stay. Luckily R hooked me up with an employee discount room. Thankfully. Once we checked in I said look Auntie needs some time alone. ALONE. I will eat lunch with y'all but that is it. I eat lunch - pizza - and then we headed to something called Wonder World. Why did I go you ask - well the ice cream store was there and I was a woman on the verge. So, we go into this place - it was a building constructed as though it was upside down. Inside was a scanky dirty germ infested hole in the wall with mildew, dankness, and overally dinge. There were cool things but it was basically Chuckie Cheese with a warehouse feel. ick. Of course my nephew loved it and we were there for hours. I did get my ice cream - as an aside, there is nothing like getting a big girl behind an ice cream counter. This girl hooked me UP - not only did I get samples (check out the ben and jerry's creme brule) but the cup of cream she gave me was the bomb. Chocolate madness and peanutbutter. YUM!!!! I then took A - no way I was going to play another round of mini golf - and walked to the hotel. Her gram and pop took her to the pool and I had my alone time. FINALLY!

Karma bit again as we headed to the airport. We arrived 3 hours ahead of schedule because well, what do you do for an hour in Orlando? We shopped, ate some lunch, and were I thought headed to the gate. Nope. Apparently, after lunch a much needed stop at the jewlers was necessary. Nothing like a pair of tinker bell earings to round out your trip. Our flight was at 4 (so we thought), and it was 315. I make a phone call - get over here now. Go to the bathroom, again. Lose two members of our party to the Spongebob Square pants store (who could blame them). And now its 335pm and we have to get through security, on a tram and to the gate. In record time - we make it off the tram and to the gate at 345pm the exact same time, coincidentally enough, that the airline attendant was closing and locking the door. WHAT? Oh yeah, we missed the flight. Seems our 4pm flight was really 350pm and they close the gate 10 minutes prior to take off. Of course I knew all this but couldnt get the other 6 people to just follow me.

Can someone out there just for once, take my lead, my advice, my guidance. I DO know BEST! I am always right. I lead and you are supposed to follow. How many of you have shook your head and said Kar was right? I am like Jesus. Follow me my sheep. Anyway, no one followed. So there we were at the gate with everyone having their own little breakdown. D blamed pops and sis. Pop blamed mom. A was crazed over the fact that she was not going to see patrick her little pigmy hamster who was awaiting her arrival at home. And I was so pissed off I was calm as a cucumber. Whooda thunk. I was as calm as can be.

Recall that we flew out of West Chester. We find that there are no flights to the small airport and the best she could do was maybe get us to Atlanta. Problem was that there were only 7 seats and 32 people, not including us, on the standby list. Thankfully missing patrick was key to getting hooked up by the nice lady at the counter. She did require us to upgrade two seats but she got us to Atlanta and then to Laguardia. Some in our party hit the bar - I hit the pavement and just started walking around trying to calm down. I did find Esquire with Angeline Jolie and a novella by Stephen King. It was a great story. I can let you borrow it - right and the Angie story and pictures were good too. Sexpot.

I get back in time to get on the plane. They called zone 1. zone 2. All zones. All zones and where was the rest of my party? the bar! the bathroom. Now, we just missed a flight - how is it that we were the last people to board the plane. I do not know. So we get to Atlanta and we arrange for a car in NYC and I call west chester. On a great day, I can make it from Laguardia to West Chester in 35 minutes. The flight to LGA was going to arrive at 11 - plenty of time if everything goes right. Oh wait did I mention that West Chester closes at midnight. Did I also mention that our luggage of course was going to West Chester?

Once we got on the second flight we were delayed because of weather and a flight delay somewhere else. Why would they hold a plane for them but not us? Our fault vs. theirs. I decide at this point that there is no way that I can possibly make it off the flight, get the rental car, and get to west chester. But I was hopeful. That is until the lights came on and the attendant requested a doctor or other medical professional. And so I knew at that point there was definitely no way I was making it to West Chester. No way even the bat mobile could make it. Wonder woman in the invisible plane couldn't even make it. Alas, nor could I. Turned out some guy had an epileptic seizure and had to be taken out by the EMTs.

So we land, its 1130pm. We go to the rental car place and an hour later - yes an hour and not because of the lines because the car that they tried to get for us was put on hold for some reason and it took that long to get us the mobile. We left at 12:45 and I was home and in bed at 2:30am. Of course I couldn't sleep. By 4am I was fitfully snoozing only to wake at 11am. By noon we were on the road to West Chester to pick up luggage, return the rental car, and I was off to a suprise retirement party where I drank two drinks and felt like I was going to pass out drunk. The food was ass and all I wanted was something not fast food, kid's meal, or entemans (i know shock). But finally at 11pm I was in my own bed. I was again fitful and of course had to work with one eye open and a splitting headache.

But last night, Monday, I bought some steak opened a bottle of wine and chilled. It was great.

Despite the krazy karma at the end, I had a great time. Life is good my friends. But next trip, I am leaving mi famiglia at home.

adios mi peepos.

kar

Crap. I'm old.

I am a car jammer. I play my music loud. I sing and I dance. I have several driver's seat car routines. My favorite is to Cher's Take Me Home. My cousin Lyn tells me that I would have been perfect for that show where they secretly bug someone's car and they tape you being all the fool while you sing and dance and talk to people while in your car. And boy would I have been if someone only put my name in the hat Lyn!!!

Anyway, I like my car concerts. So, I realized the other day while driving that I am an old person. Almost 40. What the heck! How did that happen? When exactly did I stop jammin to Prince? Wham? When did I stop longing to be a big haired gal and stop air guitaring to Aerosmith, Guns and Roses and Cinderella? Why in the hell did Pat Benetar, the Go-Gos and Cyndi Lauper stop playing in my Subaru.

And of course I think I am all kinds of cool - still. Singing with the windows rolled down the warm air flowing in the car, and the stero on full volume. I'm used to people looking at me but who gives a rat's ass, I am a SUPERSTAR!

A superstar who is now jamming not to CSN, Dave Matthews, U2, or even the Indigo Girls...but instead, jamming to the Carpenters' A Kind of Hush. CAN YOU IMAGINE! At that moment when the little hottie next to me gave me that look like WHA?! I said oh shit - I'm old. Well, I'm not only old but sort of pathetic in that F'd up I am listening to Dolly Parton on repeat kind of way. Although I do a kick ass version of Islands in the Stream - so what I have to play it twice so that the first time I do Dolly and the second to Kenny. Whatthefuckever.

Pet Cemetary

I play golf on Thursdays at a course with a Pet Cemetary. I know, bizare - but the cemetary pre-dated the golf course and there is something about disturbing the dead even if the dead are animals that is just sacriligious. Anyway, pet cemetary on golf course.

Hole 18. C gets up and tees off - the ball slices and goes flying. We hear a thud but assume its a tree - especially since she lost about 6 balls in the woods and whacked 4 trees on the night. So, she tees up and hits another - this time a much better shot that just missed the sand trap. The rest of us take our shots and we head to our respective balls. We notice some people to our right - and we all thought crap, I guess C should have yelled fore. But wait, there is nothing over there. Nothing except the PET CEMETARY.

Turns out the thud was the ball hitting the casket or whatever they bury a dead pet in. IMAGINE THAT. I literally almost peed.

Size Sometimes Matters

When I picture myself I am 21 and 145lbs. Its just a physical image. This clearly carries forward when I think of my kitties. They are big kitties - Boo is holding steady at 12/12.5lbs (has even lost weight) but satch is just about 20lbs of solid cat muscle. Satch completely anihilated the cat scratching posts so I threw them out. Ok just one. I had to replace the toy so I bought a cat wheel thing. There is a little bed and a scratch pad and little holes to jump through. It looks wicked cozy for a cat.

So, I sit on the family room floor and try to put this thing together. There are a billion pieces and the damn thing is a wheel. So, I am attaching all kinds of things and screws and as I attach the middle piece I take a look, a real good look, at the hole in the middle. I think its as big as say a kids mini soccer ball or one of those bouncy balls that I like to win out of skill crane machines. Boo, the smallest of the two cats, has hanging skin (she needs lypo) that is bigger than that hole. Then I realized the thing weighs like 4lbs and if one of my kids gets in there they will 1. knock it over or 2. collapse the cheapass thing. I put it together anyway. It was knocked over when I returned from work and they refuse to touch it.

Anyone with little cats want this thing?

Long Time Comin'

Its been a while. I'm sitting here watching Terms of Endearment. I am sure it means something that not only am I watching this but I was up til 3am watching Practical Magic the other night. LOL! Great movies. And Flap? werido. I wonder what happened to those kids. We need a where are they now: Most depressing movies of all times episode.

Anyway its been a while. Someone is the new American Idol - who remembers. Jordin. Right. She was awesome. Someone told me that Ali didn't win Dancing with the Stars and Burke and Sandra Oh didn't get married on Grey's Anatomy. Come to think of it, there was no wedding on Bones either. And Sopranos. Don't get me started.

OK I can't help myself. Sopranos was simply horrible. Well it was better than last season but gads this sucked. Of course they should have ended it with Paulie sunning himself outside of Straile's and then BOOM!!! That would have been an ending for sure. And all this talk of a movie coming out of it. How do we have a movie without Christopher and Bacala? Tony and family, a coma'd Sil and Paulie. Completely disappointing - but of course I watched hoping something better would happen. And Cleaver with the miscellaneous Baldwin! Honestly.

I think I saw a bunch of movies but I can no longer remember all of them. HOwever, the most recent:

The Cleaner - with Cedric and Lucy Liu. FRIGGIN Hysterical - slow and painful in parts but so very funny. Some great lines: Cedric "I feel like a black Rambo." Lucy: "Ok Blambo." And that woman from Reno 911 was in it and she was just simply hysterical. What was the movie about you ask? Cedric wakes up next to a dead body and has no memory of why. So, he believes that he is a CIA agent with code name The Cleaner. Turns out he is a janitor. But he gets mized up in FBI espionage stuff. Funny.

Employee of the month with Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. Jessica had her boobs done, I think, and she is quite a horrible actress. Even more horrific than she was in Dukes of Hazzard. So, to amuse myself I of course said things like Hubba Hubba and Whoa and Tittie lamour, etc. The movie was set in a BJs type place and it was about becoming employee of the month. It was actually pretty funny.

I read Plum Lovin', Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum between the bumbers book - amusing. Some classic Stephanie. How do we not love her? I like Deisel as a character. LuLu ROCKS!

Christopher Moore, whom you know I love - Lamb, Sequined Love Nun, et al. Well his new book You Suck which is basically a sequel to Blood Sucking Fiends. Of course like the other books he pulls in other characters - one from the last fun book he put out. what was the name Rach? Anyway, this book sucked - pun intended - I could not even finish it. HORRIBLE. I love sarcasm. But this was completely over the top and just painful to read.

I am however reading a book called Covering which is about "covering" (i.e. hiding) our identities. The notions of acting straight, white, masculine, etc. Assimilation vs. covering. Great book - I will be assigning this in my class.
I'm also reading Isabel Allende's Ines of My Soul. Not a true page turner but I like her writing.

Pirates of the Carribean 3. The third installment. I loved the first and the second I thought was weak and merely a bridge to number three. This version, I really liked. Of course I would have tweaked the screen play a bit and shortened it up but the story was tied up nicely. It took a bit to get there but it was great. I adore Johnny Depp and Calipso - great character although I would have given her more of an ethereal beauty - transforming her into something much more beautiful than attack of the giant pissed off goddess. but hey, that's me.

OH MY GOD - speaking of screen plays I should have been called in on..The BIONIC WOMAN is coming back to TV. It is not Jamie Somers but another bionic chick. Check out the new line ups on NBC and watch the video clip. Amazing - it looks just great. And the show seemingly explores the emotional trauma involved in waking up bionic. I have dreamed of that day but alas it is not in the cards for me.

If you haven't listened to it - definitely check out Justin Timberlakes album. If I haven't recommended it - get Corrine Bailey Rae's cd. I'm not thrilled with Joss Stone's new one but really like John Mayer's Continuum.

Dream Girls is out on video and anyone who loves motown, anyone who loves girlbands, anyone who loves high drama, great acting, and musicals must own this film.