Moment of Geekiness!

While driving to work, I was behind a car with some bumper stickers. Of course I read them, that is what I do. One of them had a the number sixty nine underneath that little symbol for square root. So, of course I try to figure it out. This process is immediate - I see and process square root of 69 and think ok not 9 but maybe 8. So I read the rest of it and it all clicks.....The square root of 69 is 8 something! Get it! 69! Ate something! Freaking hysterical. Best bumper sticker ever!

Da Borinci Code

Saw Davinci Code - should be great right? Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou (LOVE HER), Sir Ian, the guy from the Professional with Natalie Portman, Al Molina, and directed by Ron Howard. The book was good, slow but good - and it clearly would have made a great movie. Right?

WRONG - It was PAINFUL to say the least. The one hour I managed to stay in the theatre felt like I watched a double run of Ghandi. PAINFUL! The script was horrible - not a movie that should have relied on the soundtrack and the scenery and Audrey's georgeous brown eyes. She would have made a great Madonna (as in the holdy mother not the Material Girl) but who could wait that long to get to the end. Horrible script. So, I just left.

Save the money!

If you bought tickets to the AI concert - burn them!

This American Idol Concert is going to be horrible. Why you say? Well, all you needed to do was listen to any of the songs they did together. First, Chicken Little - he is still horrible. Bucky and Chris ROCKED together when they sang after a rockin harmonica by Taylor. But answer me this, why in the world would you make the kids with the lisp sing all the "s"es. Why? Ace - I want to stab him in the face. I miss Bucky.

I know that I am the queen of hips but Mendisa gained some weight too. Her voice rocks and clearly she should have been in the final instead of katharine even though she is a homophobe which is too bad because she could have been the next gay icon. Lisa still has great eyebrows but still cannot sing. Puck and Pickler - horrible and moritifiable. But do you take money for a ridiculous skit simply because you get paid? Maybe. What is that slutty one's name? Melissa? Well she had a boob job big time. And if Paris shook that hair one more time I was going to rip that weave right off her head.

Paris and Al Jerreau. They ressurected him just in time because they did well with that song.

Chris and Live! AWESOME!! Except the Live guy was singing way too high. Chris rocked.

KAT - ok she was hot in that outfit with Meatloaf but did Meatloaf have a seziure in the beginning? Did either of them hit one single note? One? a half of one? NO! And he scared her so badly she could hardly recover.

Elliot and Mary J Blige. Well can I just say I would thrown MJB down in a hot minute. HOT!!! Great version of the song! I LOVE IT! And I miss Elliot.

Carrie Underwood looks absolutely beautiful.

Toni Braxton is the only woman who could come close to MJB but she should just keep her mouth closed because that voice is horrible and as RiRi said...all guy! Taylor was rockin on that song.

Not normal that I am ready to jump the couch and Leon, my gay cousin, is ready to hump himself yelling "Toni, Toni, Maroni."

This whole American Golden Awards is just ridiculous. They could have made this show one hour or less. This is ridiculous. What a waste of time. I did however LOVE the award to Elliot's mom - I love her. You know that Katharine's mom was ready to stab Elliots mom. And what about that guy who came flying out of no where and fell right off the stage. And this Clay kid.... WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE!!!!! CLAY AIKEN!!! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! CLAY AIKEN! That kid flipped but not more than me. I LOVE CLAY! My throat is raw from screaming. Funny that Ryan had to pull that kid off the stage. RiRi did think it was Pee Wee Herman and Shelly thought he was Lang but it was CLAY!!

Ok I am beside myself. Burt Bacarat. Love him. What the world needs now is for Katharine to continue to wear red. The look of disheveled gayness is Ace. But slutzilla could wear read low cut too. Maybe it is not a boob job - I bought a lift and separate bra which does the same thing. Kelly Pickler way cute with that song - but she just mumbles through the words she forgets - at least it better than singing about Khaki blue birds singing. I love bucky. I sing a little prayer - they messed that up. But Mendisa has good recovery. What's it all about alfie - actually brows did a good job with that song but really it looks like she has some blocked bowels when she schrunches. And she is no Dionne Warwick. Elliot should have made it to the final two - I love this song, home or whatever. can I remind you Clay did a great job with that song. Elliot needs to record that song. Paula is still on drugs and such a drama queen. And They did it on purpose giving Chicken Little Pussy cat song which is just pornographic. The song not CL doing it. I wish ACE was lost between the moon and New York city. He sucks. Maybe Paris and Toni should sing together.

What was the rhyme or reason over who got to sing with their favorite singer. Just the top 5? OH HELL NO DIONNE WARWICK - this is just a star studded thing and she looks EXCELLENT. WALK ON BY. Another resurrection from the ESP infomercials. Great to see her back. Sing it Sister! Sing it! THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR - unfreakingbelievable!

Did you see Angel, a/k/a Bones, a/k/a David Boreanaz with his kid in the audience. Love him!

Brokenote mountain. Horrible. But so very cute. They didn't develop voices over the course of the show's airing. Alas. They are not the guest stars that are making the show but it was good to see them since I CRIED my eyes out when they were originially on.

WHERE IS KELLY LEON? Where is she? I wanted to see her and I am SICK over the fact that I cannot see her. I missed her on the Country Music Awards! Leon said she gained weight and might be pregnant.

PRINCE!!! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! I would still do Prince - mostly because he looks like a woman. This is the BOMB! I am literally losing my mind and my blood pressure is through the roof. I used to freaking bust a million moves to Prince and the Revolution and this little diddy he is doing works for me. Who are the hotties - not lisa and Wendy for sure. HOLY SHIT! I cannot take this pressure. How hot is he! Ok I want to BE Prince.

Kat and Taylor - just threw this song off. Guess what - Kat has on a girdle (unless she cut out a rib or two) and this song was mine and Jen (that C's) "song" how lame. They were cute dancing together though.

I am hungry from all this screaming, jumping, and this is ridiculous - the voting system - I hate Ryan. What is he saying? Brits!

GO TAYLOR! GO TAYLOR! GO TAYLOR!! Way cute. He is crying. Oh his dad. Cute. Soul Patrol needs to go though. Kat is at least being decent in the public eye OH MY LORD DAVID HASSELHOFF IS CRYING! That just clinched it for me. This show rocked - ok the guest stars rocked but a lot of everything else was sort of weak. This was really a great show. Great show. Leon said that tonight was definitely Gay Days on American Idol. BUt that works for us.

I love this Do I make you proud song. Awesome. Go Soul Patrol. Awesome!

Pointy Eyebrows, Khaki Blue Birds Singing, and Camel Toe

If you missed the episode you would not know I was talking about American Idol tonight. If you have not read Rambling Peep, and simply read the Title line, you would not have understood that there was a time that I loved Katharine. I really did - but alas she is a cocky biatch.

Here it is:
Song One - I love that song and Emily tells me I need the full album. But the black pants were a little tight - causing some camel toe which became worse every time she moved. She did look hot in the belly shirt and see through with black bra. that worked. BUt the pants. bleck.
Song two - Her rendition of this song, awful. Singing about the Khaki Blue birds singing, well that is just horrible form. How do you forget the words to Somewhere over the Rainbow. And I am sorry, but her father crying has got to go - and her mother needed to again be strangled by someone.
Last song - HORRIBLE.Cimply horrible. The song was just painful and she just could not bring it at all. Aweful! I wanted to kill someone.

Taylor
I loved his first song Living inthe City - ROCKIN! And I loved the jacket and BOOTS! Great.
Second song, Levon. Horrible. Why couldnt he remember the words. And was he even in key.
Final song - Are you proud of me was the BOMB! It started slow but then he ROCKED> It was great. Now, nothing is like Kelly's Moment like this. Nothing could top it. The problem is they tried writing for who they thought the winner would be and well it failed for katharine (who thought she would make it this far) and the second song would have rocked for Chris or Elliot too. In anyevent this song should have won him the title!

I am a star whore and loved seeing even Tori Spelling let alone Taye Diggs, and MANDY MOORE! Seeing Constantine made me angry and want to kill him DEAD. Ace evoked the same feeling. Pickles, well she went to a salon and tanning booth.

Paula was having another oxycotton moment but I just love her and think she can really rock. Although her boobs were off - she was having lift on one side and sag on the other. poor thing. Randy's shirt was the BOMB!!!

Leon tells me that Kelly and Carrie (gads) will be performing tomorrow night. I hope that is true. It is a 2 hour show so they do have to fill it with something. Of course we will have to listen to Ryan, I want to kill him too, Seacrist, and ridiculous Ford ads, and will probably remind us of all the horrible people who have been on in the past. We will dread every momement but will stick it out nevertheless.

The Omen

Have you seen they re-made the Omen. Julia Stiles is the mom and that actor Liv or Liev or something like that is the dad. Little Damien looks crazed - crazed. It will be scary. Guess the release date! Guess!! 6/6/6. But of course the producers didn't want to jinx themselves and give the release as 6/6/06 - WIMPS!!

Also, if you haven't seen them - look for the new identity theft commercials. HYSTERICAL!!

One Funky White Boy!

How much do I love Elliot Yamin? I am crying my EYES out. CRYING! Sobbing! I love him. I look almost as bad as Paula but you can see my pupils. I love his mother. If only I can teleport a knife into her hand and make her stab Katharine's mom in the back. I cannot stand that mother.

When did my girl get so cocky! I can't stand her now and really do not care who wins at this point.

But Paula - shake that thing - baby baby - shake that thing. What you gonna do with all the junk? All that junk up in that trunk?

Elliott!

Joss Whedon's Wonder Woman!

So you want to be a superhero?

Do you have dreams of becoming a superhero? Have you purchased the Superhero's guidebook? Even non-athletic types, have the ability to get a little jazzed by their inner superhero. Here are four tips:

1. Buy a hat. And fake glasses. These items alone can really make you inconspicuous, or at least make you feel like you are incognito. A hat, fake glasses, and a code name (like Joan) means you are on your way to super stardom.

2. Purchase a cape, preferably red. You cannot help but feel free, powerful, and superheroy in a cape. Ignore the desparaging cape comments in The Incredibles. Why? Well you are not really a superhero - you will NOT fly, nor will you be stopping an airplane as it goes soaring to the ground sucking your cape into the engine.

3. Have a theme song. This doesn't have to be an original score. Just pick your favorite. And this can change each day as necessary. For instance, today my theme song was Chico and the Man. Mostly it is the Charlie's Angels or Wonder Woman theme songs.

4. When you are feeling slobbish, unaccomplished, like you want to kick your coworkers' or your boss' ass, or you just need a break, take a trip to the elevator. When you get in push a button, preferably on a higher floor. Imagine that you are imprisoned in an abandoned mine shaft by the Legion of Doom and you just removed your tight bounds. On the other side of the door you can hear the tick tick tick of the bomb, and the wimpering of a 3 legged dog and a bunch of orphans. Rub your wrists (they still hurt from the rope), crack your neck and back, and do a leg squat to loosen up the muscles. Start to sing your theme song (aloud or in your head). As you sing, the wimpering become sobs and the dog is starting to chew another leg off. You grasp the doors in the middle. Now it is important to time your pull. Why? Well, while you are struggling to open the steel and cement doors of that abandoned mine the real elevator starts to open on your floor. WHOO HOO! YOU SAVED THE DAY! Now, remember you MUST be alone in the elevator because pretending to open the doors scares people. Also, be careful who might be on the other side of the door - its embarassing to find yourself staring at one of your students, while you are singing the last stanza to the Gidget theme song, and adjusting your fake boustiee after saving the universe from a pack of whild boars. People just don't understand.

Look at that Little Girl

I must share this story...another "problem" is a little something Maria calls "diareahea mouth" and Leon calls "telephone, telegraph, tell Karen or Leon." In laymans terms it is this: if you tell me something without there being some codicil about confidentiality, pinky swear, attorney client privilege, etc. If it is gossip or funny then it is re-tellable. And so, Rachele, I am sharing.

Rachele's brother was at a little league soccer game. His son was playing soccer and his daughter was on the swings. While watching his son, he hears someone speaking and of course strains to eavesdrop. What he hears is - "look at that little girl in pink. It looks like she is going to the bathroom next to the slide." Jimmy cringes and thinks - "please let there be another girl in pink. please please please." He turns and his 3 year old daughter as managed to drop trow and take a dump right next to the kiddy slide.

This is quite possibly one of the FUNNIEST stories EVER. I would have pretended it wasn't my kid and joined in the chastizement of the child and her parents. Of course Jimmy scooped that poop but will be forever mocked as the dad whose kid shit in the sandbox.

LOL!!!!!

Idol Schmidol

I am still disappointed in Chris' departure. Alas, it is American idol and what would it be without a suprise now and then. I did also learn that Mendisa is a member of a Christain organization that is anti gays and lesbians. I will research and report back. Onto tonight.

Song Choice has been a problem since day one. Now we are nearing the end and it is still happening.
Eliott - well I love him. First song, way off. Second song, off. Third song, shaky but who knew it? no one. he does have a gift. I do love the funky white boy and he is a great singer. Even Simon was nice to him. I think he will go home.

Paula - dancing is HOT but she is on drugs.

Katharine - well I used to love her. Now she is a cocky biautch. First song, aweful. Second song over the rainbow was good. Nothing but the blues...well, hmmmm, her ego is so big and she is doing this weird wannna be Christina Agulera meets Dixie Chick meets Joss stone meets Ella (how dare she). Its all so coky and I am DONE with her but she will go forward.

Taylor - not sure. He could have kicked on Springsteen and Cocker but didn't. Great last song choice. HE IS A FREAK. But he may win it. I love the version of this song that was in the movie the Commitments, which is a must see.

Tune in tomorrow.
I need some Karaoke.

Vermonty Python

New Ben and Jerry's flavor. Coffee liquer ice cream with chocolate cookie crumbles and chocolate cows. The return, almost of bovinity divinity. The flavor sensation is great however, the liquer part of the ice cream leaves a bit of an after-taste. However, the cookies and cows (thinner than the ones in bovinity divinity)make the flavor fabulous! They should change it to regular coffee though. I need to become an ice cream taste tester! yum!

Worth buying!

America is Crazy!

So, I didn't vote. So, I am part of the problem. I know he was off last night but the fact that CHRIS got kicked off and Katharine and Taylor did not - well that is just ridiculous. What a total shocker. I was comforted in the fact that I was given a nice little Katharine and Lisa Marie Presley fantasy to remember since Katharine was going to be off tonight. I just can't believe Chris is gone. SAD! Pathetic!
NEXT WEEK I WILL DEFINITELY VOTE!

Vampirella

Was that Mortia creeping from the grave?
Or Iggy Pop on Red Bull?
Or was it Vampirella?
No wait... It was Pricilla Presley!

Project M&M!

I have many dreams:

1. My villa in Santorini for my 40th.
2. Meeting the original cast of Charlie's Angels
3. Being Wonder Woman
4. Watching as my mortal enemies get flattened by a steam roller
5. Fixing my landscaping in the back yard
6. Training Satchmo to jump into my arms
7. Having sex with Angelina Jolie
8. Watching my daughter slam dunk in the 2028 Women's Basketball Championship (of course playing for Uconn)
9. Hiding in a vat of M&M's

Guess which one came true - at least digitally!

picture courtesy riri

The King!

Taylor has really got to go. I am so done with him and really agree with Simon bad karaoke. I did a version of Jailhouse rock as my high school senior class day. I wore a blue and white striped shirt and acted the fool. My version was better. Taylor's second song was good but he just looks like he has to vomit all the time - but maybe it is Ray Charles, Sammy Davis Jr, and Elvis trying to channel out of his body. He needs to GO this week. BUt with positive comments from Simon he may stay.

Chris rocks. Suspicious minds. Love that song. Carol and I used to listen to it at the diner at 1 in the morning. Chris! the second song is not really working. He is trying something that is just not working for me. But clearly what do I know. He should win.

Eliiot - what song is this. Why would you pick a song that no one knows and that you don't know. If you are in the final 4 pick a song you know the words to. But I LOVE HIM! I love his voice, love his look but he is just not American Idol. Chris is American idol. BUT Elliot pulled this song OUT! Rock on! I cannot believe he is 90% deaf in one ear. Amazing. The second song - well, ROCKIN! I LOVE HIM. He can pull off this blues - and should be on tour with Johnny Lang. The band was rockin! ROCKIN!! I adore him!

Paula - is on drugs! What did she even say and are the bracelets covering tracks? I do like when she busts her little dance moves - they are hot. But she gets out of control. She gets no action because she throws it all out there - boobs and all!

Katharine. Sultry, sexy, oohh baby baby, oohh baby baby - wait, what is that shirt. Did I not say she should not wear a baby doll with a ribbon belt back in the first few weeks? BUt I can just watch her move all night. She is hot. And how much fun did she have tonights. She needs to bring it like this but next time not lose her breath or forget the words. HOT - desparate and manic - but hot! BUT the BOOTS! I need those! I hate her mom though. I can't help falling in love with katharine. Get it? Well, she is just adorable, did I mention that. Belly shirt is good. babydoll is bad. She killed, in a bad way, that last note. I think my girl is going to be going home tomorrow. And she knows it. Alas she will be on broadway or will get a contract.

The bottom two must be Taylor and Katharine and I fear it is going to be Katharine since Taylor has never been in the bottom.

The hottie from Prison Break was on - I love him. Which hottie, the cell mate of the non-death row brother. I love him.

MI3

This movie was the BOMB! As you know I hate Tom Cruise for his whole weird scientology weirdness. However, it took the first scene for me to forget about the there's no such thing as post-partum depression. The movie was action packed. The acting was awesome. Ving Rymes - I love him. I even loved the Grey's Anatomy chick as Tom's wife. Unbelievable action. Great story. Of course there is not a movie that goes by (except for Napoleon Dynomite - LOL!) that get's away scot free. Within the first 10 minutes there were three horrible edits...one scene the woman had glasses, the next minute she didn't; one minute tom had blood coming out of his nose, the next scene not a scratch on him. The third well I forgot it but it was there. The movie just rocked - of course the bad guy is easy to pick out but we forgive it.

They paid homage to at least three, non-Mission Impossible, movies: 1. the motorcycle scene from Top Gun, the costume from Born on the 4th of July, and the red ball in the mouth from Ving's movie Pulp Fiction. There could have been more but alas.

The one thing I will put out there is that it really was a pumped up True Lies! But it totally rocked! Even though I don't want to give money to the Scientologists but I MUST OWN IT!!

Nosey?! Who? Wait, do you mean ME?

I am an information highway. My brain works in such a way that it is on a constant search for information. I'm sort of a combination of Data meets Cagney & Lacey meets Jung meets the CDC meets Quantico meets super hero meets thurgood marshall kind of person. I seek out information, knowledge, details, and did I say information. This information can range from me listening not to the person that I am with but rather every other conversation around me. You think it doesn't matter that perfect strangers are having a domestic, or that again, perfect strangers, are lamenting their pregnancy, or having an affair. It matters! What you keep in your fridge or in your cabinets, how you arrange your flatware all matters to me.

Leon will tell you, when I go into his house, the first thing I do is this: Bugs cookie jar, marvin cookie jar, drawer by the fridge, fridge, freezer, cabinets. Why? What if I get hungry and need a snack. I need to know that there is a cookie in that jar or a popcicle in the freezer. Once I know I don't have to worry about it. Unfortunately for me, last time I was over Leon's, he PLANTED information. So, as I was looking for the rogue piece of orange orbit gum in the drawer by the fridge, I found naked guy pictures. NAKED. So, snagged. Not going to go into that drawer again.

Anyway, that is the routine in his house - in others I may start with the fridge, move to the drawers. It depends on my relationship with the person. Mostly it is all food related or self defense related. Other times I want to know about someone. Do they organize their silverware in the right order? Do they have real stemware or jelly jars? Are there real knives? What if while in the house I am faced with a situation that causes me to need a knife, or what if I need to sneak a protein boost and while she's in the bathroom I need a spoonful of peanut butter? I wouldn't be able to Mcguyver out of a situation if I didn't know what my options were.

Maria says I am just nosey. She won't let me sit where I see the entire restuarant. Calls me out when I listen to other's conversations (at least Leon appreciates this) or when I simply stare. But wait... What if that note that was not addressed to me was really a cry for help - an SOS of sorts? Once I find out what it is I typically stop reading... only once did I actually read information that I shouldn't have. But I was young, bored, and just exploring what I could get away with. I learned too much information that day and felt the violation. So, I read nothing personal. Ok except that note RiRi- but there are no secrets among best friends so you would have told me about it anyway.

I will also scan everything in the room. I am learning about you in the process. What kind of books do you read; music do you listen to; art do you like; do you have pictures of family or friends on your walls; do you have allergies, hemmorhoids, jock itch; where is the purel; do you eat junk food; do you have weird 1970s TV show collections; do you buy dvds; have an ipod? I want to know all of it.

However, I will stay away from your personal finances, I will NOT read your journal, and I will not open your mail. But if you invite me in, you should know that I will definitely look in your cabinets.

I am not nosey - I am a collector of information. I am always looking for the way out, a quick snack, and a weapon to defend myself from the mysterious marauders. Although I may mistake your barkalounger for some cross between a bison, cow, and pig and run screaming from your house, at least I will know where the meat cleaver, portable phone, car keys, and diet coke are. And you will thank my information collecting when I am saving your jankass.

Adios Fair Camdens!

Well, after 10 years of making us laugh, cry, and wish we were part of their loving, yet religious, family, 7th Heaven is off the air. The Camdens signed off at 9pm tonight in yet another disappointing show.

You know I love the Camdens and they quickly replaced the Partridges as my most favorite TV family. They were awesome. I loved little Ruthie's smartypants attitude, and genuine concern for humanity. The Bank of Simon. Matt's Sean Cassidy hair. Mary's crazy antics. Annie and Eric's beautiful relationship and outpouring of love and support for even those fans living vicariously through their television sets every week (or day as the case may be). I have never been a huge Lucy fan because she was a whiner from day one. The addition of the twins brought the sharks up from their underwater lair.

How could we not love the various homeless people they took in - Robbie. Martin. Carlos. That kid whose dad was in Iraq. Never would we take in such people. Never were homeless people so well kempt and privileged and well adjusted as they are in Camdenville. And still the sharks circled. Sure they followed Mary as she left the Camdens to live with the Kernel (can't seem to spell it the real way) in upstate new york. Followed Mary's blood as she attempted bad movie after bad movie.

The sharks continued to chomp as we watched Ruthie - who had such babydyke potential - blossom into an annoying coquetish teen. The bank of Simon got an STD and almost got a million people pregnant - see what failing to abstain can do to you - and thought he would be the successful camden child in the movie biz. But alas, those damn sharks. Matt was just Matt but always knew where he belonged despite the failed movies he still came back. The sharks loved Lucy, as she went from annoying to more annoying to even more annoying still. The twins - yuck - were just chum.

Its a good thing the show ended. Really it is. Annie and Eric carried their family as long as they could. Not even Spelling could keep this show afloat and the bloodbath was just too dark and deep.

The Camdens have already been replaced. Easy come, easy go. I have been secretly tapped by the Jolie-Pitt family - something about joining as a love slave to the Mrs. I'm just waiting for my ticket to Dafur!