Sweeny Todd

I saw Sweeny Todd a few weeks ago. I am still traumatized by some scenes - and actually almost yarfed while eating a sweedish meatball and imagining one of the scenes. Anyway, let me give you the lowdown:

Johnny Depp ROCKS! He is just the bomb. Now we all know he was dubbed back in the day when he did Cry Baby with Rikki Lake. But let me tell you he was not dubbed here. He has definitely come into his own and matured as an artist. He can actually sing with an accent - it was great.

Helena Bonham Carter was great as crazy looney tunes Mrs. Canibalus.

It was a total Harry Potter reunion with Helena, Alan Rickman, the dude who played Wormtail. Giles from Buffy had a small role. Richman played the Judge, and Wormtail his well, wormtail sidekick.

Depp played Sweeny Todd - who was in a former life, Mr. Baker a wonderful barber who fell inlove with the beautiful blonde. Unfortunately Judgeman fell for the blonde and ruined their lives by abusing his judicial powers and arresting Mr. Baker and taking the Blonde and her child (by depp). The movie begins with Depp coming off a ship with young Antony and singing about his past (to whit Blonde, daughter joanne, and that rat bastard judge and wormtail). Depp is dark and pissed and killed with the straight edge after all those years in prison, wrongfully I might add. And did I mention he is full of nothing but revenge?

Depp makes it to Helenas rotting roach infested house of meat pies - upstairs from which no so coincidentially is where depp and wife and kid used to live. Helena tells him the story of what happened when he left - namely that joann was taken in by the Judge and that the wife went crazy and assumably died. So, Depp moves in upstairs. Helena crones about her love of Depp in a great tune while he is going on and on about getting revenge. Nice. They plot together.

Meanwhile Young Antony is trolling the streets of London and sees the lovely Joann (another song ensues). Coincidence. Truly. The judge, spying on said Joann, notices poor innocent antony and basically has wormtail beat the shit out of him. Threatened with death, antony takes off to see Depp who vows to help him rescue joann (gasp! Joann you say!). Realizing its his daughter depp agrees.

Borat had a pretty hysterical role as a fake Italian barber - challenged by Depp. Depp uncovers the fakeness in Italiancy and barbering and infact Borat becomes the first of many of Depp's victims. Insert evil laugh here. Borat had a young apprentice from the orphanage, Toby. While waiting for a now decapitated Borat, Toby is plied with festering meat pies and gin by Helena and well, they become a little family.

Depp and Helena create a wonderful little business. Depp slashing peoples necks, and dumps the bodies via a cool shoot he connects directly to his barber's chair (dont think about the fact that it is the top floor and the ovens are in the basement) into the basement. He slices and dices while singing - it is a great scene, even if I had to cover my eyes and screetch a little.

Tim Burton was teh ONLY person who could possibly direct this play. It was great. He captured the darkness in the scenery, and made the blood and gore - well bloody and gorey but in that really bright blood. More realistic than Kill Bill but not like some freaky health class.

Of course the film progresses - Helena falls in love (deeper) with Depp. Depp becomes engrossed and changed by his revengeful killing. Toby grows leary of Depp in the protection of Helena. The old Hag starts to look familiar and suspiciously appears in every scene. Antony and Joann - although they never speak they do sing to each other - are planning her escape from the mental hospital to which she was sent when the judge found out that she was going to be rescued.

Helena grows suspicious of Toby's prying and despite her love of the little boy - she locks him in the basement. Depp gears up by singing through the streets for the final slashing. Antony gets Joann and hides her in Depp's barber shop. Depp comes back to the shop, scaring Joann who gets into the borat blood stained trunk because she is frightened. Old woman comes into the shop to complain about the stench - she recognizes Depp, who wildly slashes her throat and dumps her down the barber shoot. He sings again and in comes the Judge. Commence with slicing and dumping. This time Joann is peeking through and witnesses the mayhem.

Depp and Helena go searching for Toby - who is MIA - Depp realizes the hag is his beloved and that Helena LIEd to him about her death. And in a serious departure of revenge, he throws her into the firey oven baking her to death. Toby appears through some grate and slashes Depp revenging the life of his pseudo mom. OH WHAT TANGLED WEBS WE WEAVE!

The story is great. Oh wait - did I mention that those bodies that Depp dumped to the basement were ground up into meat and Helena opened the best meat pie joint in all of England. yep, that's what happened. ICK. So you now see why I would be repulsed by said meatball?! yeah, thats way. who wants to eat some possible brain ball - not me.

The movie was awesome. Acting great. Directing great! Must own!

The missing thing was what happened to Antony and Joann and of course Toby. I will work on a sequel but no time here.

Awesome!

Redemption Song

Today I took part in another Guess the Gay panel. I hesitated to get involved lest my title as a frumpy suburban house marm be revisited. But I was strong. I rose, dressed in prison grey, and a red shirt. Put on my man shoes and left the house.

I arrived at the training center and was comforted by the fact that the participants totalled about 30 adult teachers. There was hope. Perhaps they, unlike those bastard children, would see through my feminine mystique!

Five minutes of questions yielded the following:

What kind of music do you like? jazz & blues
What state do you live in? CT - lame question
Who is your favorite designer? what? ugh? the crocs people!
Do you like to cook? No
What are your hobbies? TV, Books, movies
Do you have a rainbow sticker on your car? I carefully avoided the question lest it truly give me away.... I said I have a sticker on my car that says Seward, Alaska.
Do you like the beach? Specifically Cape Cod? That is, Ptown? Yes I love the beach. Last time I went was FL. and I have been to Ptown.
Do you have pets and if so what? Two cats.

Ah, the questions ended. And after all my answers they arranged themselves around the room. 5 said straight - apparently I gave one guy the vibe of being straight because he could imagine me listening to jazz and getting down with some straight stuff. WHAT? ok whatever, the dude was fantasizing about me. Gross.

2 people said Bi-sexual. Why? Because, said one man, the shirt I wore looked like one he had in his closet.

The rest of the people said lesbian. The number one reason - when women don't wear makeup it usually means they are gay.

VINDICATION! REDEMPTION! Oh the sweet joy of being properly sexually identified.

My neice and nephew

So, Lyss and DJ come up for the day with their mom. We played a little Singsong on the PS2 - I KICKED ASS, who cares that they are kids. DJ was too soft and Lyss was too loud. So what they only knew one song - Sweet Home Alabama - and I insisted on playing other songs too. hehe!! But I WON!!! I WON!

Then we headed to TGI Friday's for some lunch or was it dinner? WE order and hours and hours later the food came. We had the world's worst waitress - LIZ. Incompetent is kind. So, we waited for a long time. Finally, we get the food and being eating.

Lyss and I put on the ipod and did the ChaCha shuffle while seated. Then, Lyss sat back, sort of pouty or something. And we're all chatting. She then lets out a huge sneeze. Lyss weighs about 68 pounds soaking wet. So what she's 12. Anyway, she is boney maroney, and I call her such. So, Boney Maroney sneezes and more snot and spit fly out of her mouth than you might be able to imagine. A nice chunck of mess landed on my plate. Thankfully, I had already experienced ingesting Alyssa's spetum (as when she was 4 I made the mistake of popping her uneaten bottom of the cone at DQ - no ice cream - all spit and weird backwash) and if I could eat that I could eat anything.

Well, me being me, I cannot let up. Lyss being Lyss she started cracking up, which made me be funnier, which made her laugh more. Now, enter DJ - once he realized what happened and listened to me, he started laughing. and then more and more until he freezes dead in his spot, hands holding the pee pee area. Lyss and I are still laughing - so are the others at the table - when DJ says " ut oh, mmmmmmooooooooommmmmmmm I gotta pee." To which mom says, "DO NOT PEE IN YOUR PANTS" "But maaaaaa. Oh its too late." and well, he peed. He laughed so hard he peed his pants. LITERALLY.

Now, this is quite possibly funnier than Lyss sneezing all over my entre. So, now I am near peeing because it was the funniest thing. Not since AM and I were in that school play together, and I made her laugh so hard, that she peed - have I really made someone pee their pants. THAT WAS GREAT!! So, we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Does this make me an evil and mean auntie? Or the BEST AUNTIE EVER?

Stoopit Sports!

First, the UConn Women ROCK! They actually won against UNC last night. They pulled it out - I cannot believe it. Charde Houston really came to life. FINALLY! And they pulled it out! YES! Hello Final Four! I am going to Baton Rouge for the UConn v. LSU game in February. March madness is coming!!!

Next, I am DONE looking at the Mannings. Are the commercials cute and self depracating? sure. But do I really need to see Ely Manning anymore? Wasn't it bad enough that he ROLLED over my boys (see finally) and then Ebu's boy Bret?! UGH. WTF EVER GIANTS!!!

Finally, the Cowboys. What kind of moron dates someone who doesn't know what Chicken of the Sea is? What kind of freak gets his groove on with said dumass, in Mexico the week before a playoff game? Who you ask? The Cowboys QB, that's who. WTF? I could play better than that. And to make matters worse my neighbors (whom I adore) rang a COWBELL every time the Giants did something good. Finally I shouted through my house - stop rubbing it the fuck in!!!

Other shows!

Boston Legal - funniest show on telivision. FUNNIEST. Crazy cases, crazier characters. Where else could you hear lines like "he makes my genitals go aflutter" and "is that a legal thing, like res ipsa." Great stuff. And shatner is just heartwarming as racist, sexist, gun totin, mad cow maniac.

Season 7 of American Idol started. Well, what can I say, its the same this time of year. I am annoyed at their continuous poking fun at the mentally challenged. I know people make the decision to go on the show and sign releases and the like, but it is really necessary to further make fun of the challenged. Now they can make fun of the mentally ill all they want. NOT! This is my least favorite part of the year - the crappy performances. They need to revamp this whole thing. All we want to see are those who made it to Hollywood. I am already anxious about who will be joining the show - will Barry Manilow be joining again? I can see Ann Murray showing up mostly because she is on tour again. Maybe there will even be a Rolling Stone. Maybe Ringo will show up - unless of course he is not allowed to perform a 4minute song. Its all so exciting.

Sarah Connors Chronicles - ROCKIN! - Ok I only saw one episode. Did I tell you this? Well it is worth watching. Drama. Excitement. Fabulous so far.

Did I mention that my DSH receiver blew and killed all DVRd episodes of Bones, Bionic Woman, CSI, that Holly Hunter show, When the Levees Broke (which I have saved for about 2 years), and a host of other shows that I did not have time to watch this fall! WTF?

L(ame season)-Word

There is just so much I can take. Clearly 4 seasons is not enough cause I find myself GLUED to the TV come Sunday night around 10ish. I just can't wait to see the LWord. So far, as my previous blog indicated, its a tough season so far. Now, the writers promised some more sex. That is not happening. Teasing is happening. Sex is not. Ok maybe I need to clarify - by sex I mean that there does need to be more sex acts and not simply the illusion/allusion of sex, the people whould be naked and by people I mean the lesbians (yeah, I get to be heterophobic for a lesbian show - sorry), and how is this more sex. Sure Shane is more like the Shane in season one (promiscuous) and less in love. Although the actress has had some plastic surgery. And Helena did do that woman (who I was convinced was a man) in prison. And Tina had sex with the doctor on the first date. But its not enough.

The writers again changed someone - inherently - and that is Peggy Peabody. She was a bitch but not a FAHDB as she was portrayed this week. Sure she is pissed at Helena and wants to help the fugitive. However, she would not as a former lesbian and didn't we leave her in season 3 getting into a limo with the priestess who was her former lover and were they not going to travel the world together? Well apparently Peggy is now anti-gay and a total DB!

Jenny is still alive and that makes me sad. Max I hate but Jdog likes him and so she is forcing me to rethink the only thing I can say is that he is more tolerable this year. Jody keeps putting up with the royal C Bette and I am not sure.

The best parts of the season so far include:
A scene with Kit walking down the cell block - struttin her stuff a la Foxy Brown. FOXY BROWN! She is the bomb! that was hot.
A scene shockingly not written by the writers but was written by a fan. It was a Charlie's Angels dream sequence with Alice as Farrah/Chris, Helena as Jackalin/Kelly, and Shane as Kate/Sabrina. They had gaydar guns and were T&Aing around. It was great! Great!

I am waiting for the planet to blow up with everyone but Alice in it but I dont think that will work. Alas. Watch on!

The Demonator!

The Demonator! The Demon! or simply Demon would work quite well. Picture it, buff, braided, bra of sportness, and some beefy tish shorts...oh its me and I am standing on a 10foot platform with a large q-tip like impliment in my arms. I am chanting in a foreign tongue - perhaps parseltongue or some other demonish/satanic language. For I am (in my fantasy world) a new AMERICAN GLADIATOR (complete with cheesy music as my theme song). Can you believe this show is BACK!! and with it come all my 80s fantasies about being on the show. I would so kick ass - ok that HELLga looked like she could pretty much crush me with her braids but I would give her a run for her money. Siren is hot the rest are just mediocre. But the show is back - all the campiness and crazy names from the first are back. There is even a Maori dude that is pretty cool and has some great tats and does a traditional dance when he is introduced. The constestants are losers so far but we will see who wins. The show is hosted by Hulk Hogan (complete with fake platinum hair) and Layla Ali (and all her hotness). Despite saying Brother every 3 seconds, Hulk is much more tolerable than Ryan Seacrest who will annoy me within the next few weeks when Americal Idol starts. So, if you are missing the 80s and loved this show back in the day - check it out. The Joust, the gauntlet, and that shooting darts thing is still there. They added some new (lame) games and changed up the Eliminator some but all the joy and mirth I once felt is now back!

I saw a few movies:
1. I am Legend. This is what I thought about this movie before seeing it: "Will Smith. Drama. Love Will. Interesting concept to be the only person on earth." This is what I thought after seeing the movie: "Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me there were ZOMBIES in this movie." Clearly I am one of the only (but for Suze who went with me) person in america who didn't know there were zombies in this movie. ZOMBIES. Not Night of the Living Dead zombies - real people zombies, like this could happen zombies. Creepy scarey kill you and eat you zombies that again could start populating the earth. The movie had one great thing- Will Smith. Actually it had more than that. The premise is that in an attempt to cure cancer, Emma Thompson actually created an uber virus much more virulent than the bird flu - basically killing anyone it infects. Will smith works for the government - is some sort of smarty pants scientist working on a cure. Guess what - no cure can be found. Population wipe out (including his wife and daughter although i was waiting the whole time for them to reapper they never do) except for (so we think) will and his immune dog Samantha. Now, Will has some sort of immunity or antibody or antibiotic so he is set. Sam is just immune because she wasn't attacked by the ZOMBIE DOGS or ZOMBIE people. Will spends 3 years trying to come up with a cure - how you ask? well he captures the ZOMBIES and does testing on them. WTF? He also spends time broadcasting on AM radio to anyone out there who is still alive. Enter, about 3/4 into the movie some allegedly hot chick from Maryland and some miscellaneous kid who are on their way to the hills of VT where there is a colony of living people. So, by the end Will finds a cure, gives it to allegedly hot chick, who takes the kid and the antidote and flees to the colony. Meanwhile back in the mad scientist lab, will smith pisses off the king of the ZOMBIES who is one scarey mofo - and is attacked. Luckily he has a handy dandy grenade and blows all the zombies (and himself) to smithereens. This movie is worth the rent not the buy.

2. Charlie Wilson's War. Ok so I knew something about this movie going in: Julia's first role post twins, Tom's first role since his cameo in the Simpsons movie, that Capote dude, and politics. Of course I knew that the US supplied guns, and ammo to the afganastanis. What I didn't know was that the supply was to the tune of $250 million and the whole operation was covert and basically started by none other than womanizing drunkass charlie wilson. The movie was very well done, the screenplay was great. It wasnt one more boring preachy political film - although it could have been if oliver stone directed. I would definitely agree with Tom and Phillip getting best and best supporting nods but nothing for julia as anyone could have played that role. Funny, dramatic, worth seeing. Rent it.

3. National Treasure - part 2, or secret something. The only thing I thought going in was this is a sequel to the original so it will be fun. And low and behold, it was. Nick Cage did a great job recreating his role as whatshisname in the movie. The girlfriend and best friend all reprised their roles (which I like in a movie). Angie's dad was also in the sequel. Mom was played by Helen Miren which was nice. Funny. Entertaining. Not the blockbuster of the year that Transformers was but totally worth seeing on the big screen if you loved the first. If not, just rent it.

4. I have now seen Hairspray about 10 times and YOU NEED TO BUY THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW. TODAY. GO GET IT!

Now for the books...
I have only finished two books:
1. Brother Odd - Dean Koontz' third book in the Odd Thomas series (Odd Thomas, Forever Odd, and now Brother Odd). The first book rocked. Loved it. Odd is just a great character and his love Stormy was the bomb too. Book two blew ass and it is a suprise that I actually bought the third one but alas I did. Odd is, say it with me, at a monastary and of course Elvis follows as does a ghost dog named Boo (great addition) and the bodachs. Its doesn't take a rocket scientist or physicist to figure out who done it but it is a good read. Koontz gave us more of the heart felt loving adoring Odd we all fell in love with and less with the blood and gore and stupidity. The character development of the lesser characters was good as well. Sometimes a red herring is a red herring but I didn't feel like koontz thought he was getting one over on us. I will of course get teh 4th book. if you haven't yet done so check out the site http://oddthomas.deankoontz.com as it will give you some background on the characters and a pretty hokey setup and trailers. BUt still, its Odd.

2. Still reading Ann Rice's the Mummy. Sometimes Rice is just too verbose and I get bored reading her shit. Its good but its just not captivating me enough to finish. That and who can't figure out what happened. She can be formulaic to a fault - but what do I know? ok everything.

3. B-Mother. Now why do you think I would read this. The book's title and the cover art (a clothes line muted in the middle hangs a white onesie) would lead one to believe it was about birth mothers. Was I wrong? Nope. I had two recommendations - Jules and Jdog. I had a mental breakdown in the middle of the book and still didn't put it down. By the end I was utterly traumatized by the whole notion of a birth mother actually spending her life wondering and depressed and unable to live a normal productive life because of that one decision. curious that this birth mother wasn't a jankass crackwhore incapable of love and affection let alone recalling that she even gave birth. But that is my personal stuff taking away from the book itself. Well written, great character development, location descriptions were good - nice northern new england setting. what's not to love? Worth reading unless you are adopted in which case you might want to have a few pints of ben & Jerry (stop and shop has them 2 for $6), some m&ms, a stiff drink, and your therapist on speed dial.


On TV - well still not watching too too much. American Gladiators started on Sunday. Still watching the Amazing Race - down to 4 teams which means it must end next week unless it ended last night (haven't watched yet). Everything else is pretty much dead because of the writers strike. Although Boston Legal appears to be new this week.

And then...the L word. Now I have been having some "receiver" issues with my dsh. Given the amount i overpay for the friggin platinum package (why would I be able to live without all those stations) I shouldn't have such issues. But alas I do. I missed Dick Clark apparently stumble through Happy New Year (poor dick - he should just be the head that portrays him on Futurama). So, I get a new receiver just in time for the Lword premeire. So, I think. The flippin TV goes all bonky around 5 which sends me into annoyance. When it totaly janked my Gladiator watching I was building up to ire. And then L Word came on and it just pissed me off but not as much as the show.

L word is a show I love to hate and I hate to love.
1. why is Jenny still alive?
2. thank god mangus is gone
3. did max die because that wouldn't be bad either
4. tina looked like a deranged librarian - between the hair and her weird dress barn circa 1983 suits, shirts and jewlery. Oh wait right, Lword jewlery is all the rage. wtf?
5. shane - she's back sort of. She was almost like she was on season one. almost. 6. i hate the rewriting of history thing the writers do. I know nothing compares to the creation of the italian husband calling marina back home. Now I did one of those fanzodes on line where the fans write a scene and got lambasted because i didn't stick to the structured story line. if I recall correctly, last season ended with shane all excited about moving in with Pain Killer Jane and her son. she had that whole ozzie and harriet fantasy thing. And if I recall even further, blondey was having or at least her acting ability lead one to believe she was not as happy about the relationship as Shane. I realize that people leave shows - seemingly this more than others (anti dyke drama I suppose) - and writers have to find creative ways to write them off the show. We can't be killin everyone - unless their name is dana and she's one of the best most believable characters on the show. But why is it that instead of making her, Blondey who clearly signed on for at least the first episode in the season, back out of the relationship since she apparently wanted to? Instead Shane does a 180 and turns back (sort of) into old Shane. Now, if she is going to be old Shane bring it on and bring it on well - but don't create this craziness of her not wanting the relationship anymore because wtf the end of last season had her wanting it.
7. I rewatched season 1 with jdog. You remember the manatees that jenny was talking to? remember how they swam in the tank all talking to weird manatee girl and the manatee curator. why do you suppose they used beluga whales to play the part of manatee. I know manatees are ever elusive but honestly they dont look that much alike.
8. Prison scenes are hard. And we all now know there is that BBC show Bad Girls. which is set ina prison and we all know that that show has taken off and has success both on tv and all the dykes in the US buying up copies of the first 3 seasons on Amazon.com. But the Lword should stick to pretending to be the lesbian version of Queer as Folk and not pull in the Bad Girls scenes with Helena. Better yet - be friggin original. Now that would be novel.
9. So to recap - I still hate Bette, Tina, Jenny, Max, Mangus, and the writers. I love Alice. I like Helena (if only she could have her money back and be the pretentious but loving character she used to be) and Shane, and where the fuck is Pappi? It is going to be a long season of this show.
10. yeah, I'll bet $10 that bette and tina get back together. Why do so many people want this? Bette was tolerable when she was fucking around with Candy the carpenter and is midly tolerable when Marlee Matlin calls her on her BS other than that I want to scream when I see those weepy basset hound eyes. Tina was tolerable when she was that dude's sidekick on Angel. Come on lesbians everywhere - its ok to criticize this show. Sure its on and I appreciate that and watch every week but can't/shouldn't we demand more?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year my peeps! Another year has passed and I am sure everyone is busy thinking about how they will make this year's resolutions actually come to fruition. I find myself regurgitating some old resolutions that have still not happened so, I am taking a different approach. I am just going to go through the year with no really huge expectations for large scale (pun intended) changes. Let's face it, none of us (ok few of us) can handle those things.

Honestly how many years have you said - this year I will lose weight, stop swearing, not drink so much, be nicer to people, be less judgmental, not have road rage, give up chocolate, and be more frugal? Its all fine and good until you are driving down the highway and some numnuts redneck cuts you off and proceeds to drop the speed on his jankass el camino down to 55 - causing you to motherfuck him and ride his bumper til he moves his poorass over. The mere fact that this asshole targeted you in this fashion causes you to go to your BFFs house to repeat the story - which you do with some made up details about his manhood and lineage - and you open the box of liquored candies she has on her counter. With each candy you pop, you retell the story again and again - and in the next now drunken telling of the story you get distracted by an infomercial for some new Richard Simmons workout tape that will help you with your New Year's resolutions (even though you pay $40 per month for the gym and never go, use your bowflex as a clothes hanger, and avoid your personal trainer while trolling ben & jerrys) and convince yourself that 4 equal installments of $29.95 per month is a baragin for 4 vhs tapes of Still Sweating (and Not Losing) to the Oldies and the free pair of red and white striped bike shorts in a xxxl is a great deal!!!

Yeah - so anyway, I am not making those kinds of resolutions. I am being more realistic. Number one on my list is to keep my shit to myself. If I am going to plan on any of this delusions of grandeur I am no longer putting them in writing. So, this year, I ain't sharin jack!!! :)

I do want y'all to have a happy and healthy 2008! May the road rise up to meet you and the slowass drivers stay the hell out of your way! Live long & prosper!

Peace & Love,
Kar

Hair Here!

Sunday past, Jdog and I went to my parents' for dinner. I know, I know, why? Well its the holiday season and well we just did. On Thursday past I was totally annoyed and done with the braid mange and pulled out all braids. On Friday I dyed it from the putrid pink to bold black. The month of braids actually helped my hair grow even faster than usual and I have a full blown blacktastic fro. It is totally wild and out there. Wanting to avoid more mockage, and because frankly I missed wearing hats and bandanas, I donned a blue bandana for the voyage to my childhood home.

During dinner my mom finally noticed what was different and commented about the lack of braids. She (shockingly!) asked what exactly I was doing with my hair. I said I will likely braid it again. She said well, can't you grow it like Jdog's. Once again ma - NO i cannot. Have you not noticed over the course of the past 38 years that my hair does not grow down it grows out??? Apparently that little fact was completely new to her. She then embarked on a very interesting conversation (could it be a soliloqy?) about how some people have thin fine hair (her) and others have curly hair (me) and that we all need to learn to work with our hair.

No shit was going to be my reply but instead I sarcastically said something like - really? hhmmm? I didn't know I would have to work with my hair? I then again pointed out that I work fine with my hair, that I like what it does and I am happy with it. In a bold and shocking move she got up from the table and decided to show me how to "work" with my hair so that it went into a style. My father sat in stunned silence, waiting I think for me to explode into a rage heretofore unseen by my parents, and jdog almost spit out the water she had just attempted to ingest.

My mother has not touched my hair since about 1977 - leaving that task to hairdressers, who by the way simply made me look like little orphan annie, leon, and me. So, I was flabbergasted that she went to the bathroom and came back with a comb with pick on the end. Anyone who knows about curly hair - as she professed - should know that applying a comb to curly hair is a recipie for disasterous frizz and uncontrollableness. This factoid was unknown to my mother. She proceeded to PART my hair and begin to comb it. I was suprisingly calm and allowed this to happen. Perhaps jdog's presence and the fact that I too was highly amused (you know how I love to be part of making everyone in the room laugh) made me sit still and let the combing continue.

While combing, she said things like - oh this looks nice; why can't you just style it; you know you can put rollers in your hair and that would make it straight (no fucking way) ok how about those straightening irons (i actually now like my afro); oh this is looking good; you can wear barettes, combs, hair pins (again, not fucking happening); and the like.

My dad was laughing. Jdog was literally almost peeing herself; and I was just sitting there incredulously allowing this woman to touch my hair. Well after the part and the combing and more oh this is just so nice, look how nice this looks, I got up to see the results of said hair taming.

The mirror revealed what jdog and my dad were laughing at and what I could have guessed my hair looked like. It was a hair nightmare. The "working" with my hair produced a style that could only be described as what would happen if Michael Jackson and Donald Trump reproduced and had a kid and that kid looked like a cross between a puberty ridden Peter Brady and Tiny Tim. Yep, that is exactly what it looked like.

If my mom never touches my hair again, I will be happy. If the current trend continues, in the next 30 years one or both of us will be dead so this is sooo not likely!!!