How I miss American Idol with Leon

I've been working out - I know, get off the floor! I've also been working late - no shock! And not eating more than oatmeal, and soup or pasta at work- snoreville but when you're busy that's what's easy. ANYWAY, Combo all that together and tonight I almost passed out on the way home from the gym. I was seriously considering my options and the liability. Could I pull over in time? Or would I take out a family, a dog, or the gas station pump? Could I blame someone else for the liability - like Bally's or Gatorade. In the time it took me to decide I would be solely liable, the passing out feeling left. I arrived home safely, and collapsed with a pack of peanut butter crackers and water and turned on the tube.

Tonight is the first night that I actually watched a TV show (ok half) while it was actually airing and not on DVR. And as some horrifyingly bad singer I rolled my eyes. And then came some guy who had a big afro and glasses and was a little chunky. Well I thought of course they were going to make fun of the dude and then he started talking and I LOVE HIM. He was hysterical - even made fun of David Hasselhoff. Funny! And then he sang Seal, kiss from a rose. Was the BOMB! THE BOMB! And then I missed my cousin - so I called him.

We watched the first idol together. I was living in town and so it was easy to have our Monday/Tuesday night fried dough fests. Over time work got busier and I moved up here. For half a season we would call on the phone. But its been a while. I miss you Lee!!

So, Leon is of course in love with Sundance Head. We both loved the Seal guy too but we are not particularly sure how long he will last on the show. Probably not long.

Anyway, it was a decent show tonight - no poking fun of anyone who was disabled. There was a girl and her mom who apparently want to emulate Cher when she was on Sunny and Share or Chrystal Gayle as their hair went down to literally their ankles. My first thought was ick and my second thought was that they needed to cut their hair and donate it to locks of love as there was probably enough hair for at least 2 wigs per person. Leon said their hair was no good for donation because it was fried. Since he works with hair I will take his word for it.

I think I might want to be a hairdresser. NOt only so I can sing the Beauty School Drop Out song but because that would ROCKIN! That or a bartender!! I would CLEAN UP on the tips!! CLEAN UP! Plus all that stuff I would find out about peple. hehe.

American Idol

I was ready to boycott AI last week since they were so insensitive to the disabled, ugly, and deformed. But I got sucked back in. Honestly the only real boycott I've ever kept was that Dominoes pizza boycott from the late 80s. In any case, I am back and already have a favorite - the big guy with the half goatee. He rocked. He has some hippie name but who remembers that.

Not much tv this week as work is WHACK!

Odd Alchemist

Forever Odd - Dean Koontz - Book two in the Odd Thomas Trilogy (Brother Odd is already out, I'm behind the times). Odd Thomas is an empath of sorts - really not an empath but he sees dead people and solves mysteries. His ONE TRUE LOVE Stormy passed in book one and frankly I really wanted them to find each other in book two but alas. Stormy was mentioned a few times and I really cried over his loss. This book was not as strong or moving as the first - sometimes the second in a series does this to you because they are just moving the characters along. Especially Koontz who should be giving us Book Three of Frankenstein. Should be but is not. Back to Odd. he solves a murder of course and is by all accounts Odd. He is a loveable character who I would love in my circle of friends - especially since some of my peeps are freaky hypochondriacs maybe he could help us all in that regard. You know - convince us we are not dead or dying. Something like that. Anyway, nice sequel but I am holding out more hope for the third book - brother odd which means not that he has a brother but rather he becomes one. He needs a break from his life and enters a monastery but not because of the whole celibacy thing but for peace. Should be interesting.

The Magician's Assistant - Ann Patchett. Great book. If you have ever been in love with someone and did not receive that love back. If you have ever loved and lost. If you have ever woken up and realized you were older and felt as though you had wasted your life pining and following rather than living and leading. If you ever fell in love with someone unavailable, or gay. You will like this book. She dropped plot somewhere around page 284, but I think she was trying to end. The plot is this: Magician's assistant falls in love with magician when 20. Magician gives her love and affection - although not physical because he is gay - until he falls in love with the love of his life. The three of them live together. The Magician's boyfriend dies of AIDs. Magician HIV+ decides to marry assistant to make her a widow because all she wanted was for him to love her. Of course nothing is consummated because hello he's gay. He dies. She mourns for his loss as well as her loss. She morns for him and for the loss of her own life. She learns secrets from his life. Meets his sister and basically there was a moment when she thought she could finally get some love but she's not gay. Anyway, she loses a friend and hopeful lover but gains a family even though she has the BOMB family of her own. Worth the read. Again, it gets a little slow about 3/4 way in but it is good.

I started Lasher the other night - too early to tell. A little creepier than the Witching Hour.

Peace out!

American Idol - those mean bastards!

I finally watched the 4 hours of American Idol this week. It was sad. Really sad. Ok I laughed my ass off. But, it was simply mean. Why is it that they find it necessary to degrade and mock and poke fun of those people who are challenged, over weight, and otherwise unattractive? The poor Lemur dude - his eyes were big sure, but did Simon have to say he looked like he belonged in the jungle? No. And we know the formula - long sob story 8 times out of 10 means that the friggin person is going to suckass as a singer. The jig is up I tell you. Think of something new. Each season - but for that Fantasia season - I have watched this show and over the years the pre real show has been more painful. I do not like watching the worst of the worst. I liked that we were able to actually see Kelly and say - wow she is 1. cute and 2. rockin! I don't like not getting to know everyone. I do like that guy Tommy something with the afro. He rocked.

I will say this - I laughed my ass off over that woman and her mom. The woman was braless and had nipples the size of dinner plates. How did I know - well the lighting was such that it reflected the areolae through the gold lamay shirt. She and her mom were unbelievably atricious. HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. People like that should not be on the show because it makes us less tolerant and we shouldn't be laughing like we do. Ok the way I do.

I have to catch up on all my other shows.

You can call me Papi!

Last week the L word suprised me with bringing back my all time favorite character, Marina! HOT! This week, they disappointed me by not having Marina and by forcing me to continue to watch the annoying characters like Jenny (although she had a funny scene with Shane's brother Shay which is a particularly original name), Max, and Tina. But then came Papi! Good lord!
I need to either have a Papi OR I need to BE Papi! WOW! WOW! That is all I have to say. You need to watch it. I never like the whole replace a latina with a latina thing but HELLO PAPI! Hello! The show does need less titilation and more outright sex, but that is me. Sybil Shepard made her appearance this week - she looks absolutely great. Beautiful! and she makes it with Alice at some point in the series. We shall see. I truly love to hate this show.

Are you naked?

Typically this question is asked in two different ways: the first, when someone wants to see another naked (i.e., wants-to-get-with-me! - now you should have punctuated each word with a sort of cheerleader type pump of the hands like that comic I can't quite remember) ; and second when someone does not want to see another naked (i.e., TMI or yikes or gads I used to change your diapers and that was enough).

Tonight, an inquiry was posed - was I naked when I recorded my voice mail message? My first response was a Napoleon Dynamitesque .. Heck No! Then I listend to it. Its professional. Sounds sort of like me - although my voice in my head is deeper and accented like Sophia Lauren and less nasally. But then I listened again and thought, shit maybe MB was right. Its not out of the question - you know I multitask. I can sing and think about work in the shower; have a meeting, listen to my voice mail and respond to email; cook, listen to music, and read my latest book - wait that could explain my failures in cooking, bad example. Well, I multitask - that's the bottom line so now I am thinking what the hell was I doing at the time? Good lord, I'm thinking that maybe I was sans clothes and I sound like some sort of gigilo! I clearly have to change the message. Jeeze, thanks for bringing that up!

Poor Penny got her stones Poked!

Sounds more interesting than I am sure it felt. Penny was blessed with my jumping and shouting over Marina last night. I really couldn't help myself though. Anyway, we woke at 5am and I chauffered Ms. Penny to the hospital. Interesting! We arrive, walk down a very long hot overpass to the proper building, and go to the front desk. Penny checks in and goes back to give some vitals (I assume) and then the fun begins. Sort of comedic actually as someone with very little command of the English language began calling out names. It was painful. Funny, but painful. I so wanted to help her out somehow but I was certain she would know how to say HIPPA! Finally agter a complete and utter bastardization of multiple names, she finally called Penny. We were ushered with 3 others to the pre-op room where we were instructed, very carefully in groups of 2 lest she miss something, on the proper way to disrobe and re-robe. Johnny goes backwards and robe frontwards. All the curtains closed, and as I sat outside the little area waiting my gambling issues kicked in and I immediately placed a fake bet on penny beating all the others in the Johnny Coat Contest. Alas, I lost. Somehow the lesbian in the drawstring pants, fleece jacket, and slip on shoes couldn't beat the hunched over, parka clad, oldsters! Imagine that!

And so we waited. The anesthesiologist appeared - she was all of what 21/22 - and she attempted to find a vein and insert the needle for anesthesia. This took literally 20 minutes, 2 local anesthesias, and about 8 needles. 8! She is bruised on her hand, forearm and mid arm (that inside elbow part). But finally, she got it in. I left at that point and Penny made it through surgery, breathing tube and all. Renee chauferred Penny home and stayed with her through the day. I arrived after 5pm and have basically been lying in bed since I got here. Of course I tried to do some work but then Napoleon Dynamite was on and work was over!

It is sort of amusing to watch Penny all drugged up on Percocets. Funny actually as she is getting her words all mixed up and is sort of flowing in and out of compis mentis. Funny.

We keep learning new things from pleck - 1. why get the needle in on the first try when you can try and try and try and try again; 2. bruising is fundamental; 3. everything is a new experience; 4. getting the new doctor/nurse/aide, etc, is inevitable; 5. always expect the unexpected. Did I fail to mention the grenade suction thing that is coming out of her stomach - yeah she has some kind of johnson drain coming out of her. Its just a small price to pay to once again be able to eat foods high in fat and rich in calories.

Penny, be well!

Your the one that I want, Marina!

Did you see the premeire of this show? Horrible. Ok not that bad but pretty bad. They are apparently casting for the roles of Danny and Sandy in the Broadway musical of Grease. Now, answer me this - why would anyone trying out for Sandy sing a Rizzo song? Hopelessly devoted to you is one thing and that was clearly the popular choice for the opening show. But when you move to track, what, 24, 25 its Rizzo singing there are worse things I could do! Not Sandy! Some lame singers - some great singers, the big girls rocked, but of course they were not Sandy types. whatever. It was interesting.

The Apprentice stars a woman who played for the 2002 Olympic Ice Hockey team. Way cool!

And then... the L Word. I love to hate it as you know. I hate Bette and Tina more than usual. I love Kit but want her to be gay but Angus really loves her and that is cute. Shane is loco - too bad Carmen is gone forever. When did Roseanna Arquette become such a bitch - wait, when Shane told her she was in love with Carmen. Right, that was when she got pissed and turned to unhealthy behavior. Jenny, I actually liked a little bit - but that french girlfriend was sort of like a whore, but a good whore who will tie you up in her hot little black panties. Note to the interested: when using food in foreplay or in sex games - never throw a container of moldy creme freshe because instead of being turned on I would probably vomit as I was trying to scrub down the floor. Anyway, I digress. They wrapped up the whole shane leaving carment thing; laura leaving alyce thing; kit being pregnant thing (still not sure if she'll abort); bette stealing the baby thing; and the helena being a broke ass. Great line "I never imagined it would feel this warm and fuzzy being poor." or something like that. of course Alyce is going to take care of her - that is, show her how to live like a real middle class person. Unfortunately Max is still not dead. I hate that character. There were a number of interesting internet tie ins: the whole l word jewlery line as evidenced by shane's jewels, my space had a few, as did the Times, and OUt magazine, and the new site for L word fans something www.ourchart.com which is supposed to give you the ability to start your own solar system of lesbian sex. And recall Alyce's solar system, shane being the main hub - well there is a new hottie in town, she's not introduced yet but her legend lives and her name is Papi.

Here is the big part...Jenny is about to do a book reading at the planet, Kit is introducing her, and someone with a hat on walks in. Of course we are lead to believe its papi...then we see her and its - wait for it - wait for it - MARINA! I Couldn't believe it. I actually jumped out of my chair and then did a happy dance. I am still giddy over seeing her and basically replaid the whole thing over and over because I adore Marina. My favorite character on this show. Apparently though her presence was only to give Jenny closure. WHAT? who cares, I saw her again!

Can't wait to see Armed and Famous. I can't imagine the casting call for that one - especially when Erik Estrada had some "domestics" in his past and Latoya Jackson, queen of coke and snakes in interesting places, end up as the primary stars. But who am I really?

Germaphobia takes a new life

Can you be germaphobic against yourself? Why you ask, well as I was typing on another blog, I sneezed. And mid sneeze my brain froze and I forgot what to do so I had a little spasm and couldn't cover my mouth (why would I stop typing to do so?), couldn't keep it closed (it was one of those from your toes sneezes) or turn my head (i was focused on my writing). Instead, I let loose and it was perhaps the nastiest thing I have ever done....well, but for one time, at band camp. Actually, it wasn't really band or a real camp but involved the woods and well, its too much to detail here.

Libreat Emptor

Sorry I blew the ER plot! I don't usually watch ER - gave it up a year and a half ago for lots of reasons. I sometimes try not to give away movie plots, show plots, etc. I felt sort of bad since I do not recall posting any notices regarding the possibility of such disclosures. But then I thought - oh well, Libreat emptor! Reader beware!

Weather

You know I LOVE this weather! The balmy, let's go play ball, and put on shorts and the Birks kind of weather. I LOVE IT! We should be going to play 9 holes in the mud. YES!

Anyway, I have been so happy this week - you know its because of the weather right? - so I share my joy with RiRi who completely and utterly seriously says, "Kar, STOP RUBBING IT THE FUCK IN!"

What a friend! BEAUTCH!

What not to watch!

I've watched a whole mess 'o movies my peeps! A week off means a bunch of time spent visiting, lollygagging, and watching lots of the boob tube. Let me try to remember:

Netflix:

Capote - I know Phillip Seymor Hoffman won. I know he was great with the accent, intonation, body language, etc. But I basically wanted to swallow the tainted cool-aid while watching this movie. It was pretty painful. Maybe I just think he was a sick fuck and there were far better murders he could have become obsessed with. However, it was in part about sexual attraction, ego, and other stuff. Sure he wrote a best seller, greatest novel of the times (gag!) but this movie was not interesting at all.

Strangers With Candy - remember this show from Comedy Central? No, well Dave Sedaris' sister Something Sedaris, created this show which aired on CC in the late 90s/2000. The plot involves a woman who has spent hard time in a women's prison. And by hard time I mean in and out of prison for 32 years. The character is about 40 or so and finally gets out of prison. Her dad (Carla's husband on Cheers, Bette's husband in first wives club) is in a coma and has been since she was arrested. The mom dies and the step mom is living in the house with her son and "beau" and of course the comatose father. Doc says the way to get dad to wake up is to have Sherry (?) live life as though she never went to prison so what does she do, she goes back to high school. Hysterically funny. She goes through getting rid of prison lesbianism vs. heterosexuality. She is the odd ball out and friends are basically geeks. A recipie for high comedy if you ask me. Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the tall woman from West Wing play Board of Ed members. Colbert of the Colbert report is hysterical as a heterosexual man struggling with homosexuality. Its slow for sure but funny. Stick with it if you can.

Stick It - If you enjoyed Bring it on part 1 and 2 you will enjoy this. Soft tween movie at best. Hot woman playing high schooler who can STICK IT on the gymnastics mat. Funny, but not as funny as Bring it on. Jeff Bridges did ok as the pathetic coach.

Invincible - Marky Mark, whom I love, plays local south philly local, Vince Papale, who, with his peeps, is arguably the biggest Eagles fan. Eagles were having horrible luck, coach fired, new coach Dick Vermeil (played by greg Kinear) hired. Philly the city massive layoffs, unemployment, etc. So, MM's wife left him because she was a gold digging SOB. The peeps are bumbed and new coach has open tryouts. Of course Marky Mark tries out and...makes it. Movie is pretty good if you are a football fan - actually if you are a fan that has ever uttered "jesus christ, we would play better than those bozos" while watching their favorite team. Lots of football stuff, great scenes playing the Cowboys (my team) at Dallas Stadium. AWESOME! Some errors in editing - sun on the field during game time - and slow slow painfully slow dialog. Not worth it unless you are a football fan.

Prarie Home Companion - If you hate Garrison Keilhor, don't watch this movie. He made it so very painful for me. If they only hired an actor to play him. The rest of the cast was good - Meryl Streep, Lily Tomline, Lyndsie Lohan (wait..), Kevin Kline, and a bunch of other Bish character actors. I enjoyed the subplot of the angel of death but so very much of the movie was painful because of GK, whom I wanted to knife.

Thank you for Smoking - funny movie about a PR guy for the Big Tobacco companies. I don't like the lead actor but the movie was still funny. Witty! Sarcastic! Crazy. What more can you ask for. Ok faster dialog, shorter screen play. But I am bitchy. The creepy kid from that weird nicole kidman movie where she got in the tub with her kid - actually redeemed himself in my eyes. He was a smart ass good kid and not so murderous felony. William H. Macy was great as the senator from Vermont - he wore Birkenstocks and was against smoking of course, and was a great schmuck. I loved him in this movie. There was a trio of PR folks - tobacco, guns, alcohol. Great trio - Maria bello, the lead guy, and the cowboy from Anchorman - they called themselves the Mod Squad. Shocking sex scenes involving lead character and Katie Holmes. I'd bet my last dollar that was the best sex of her life cuz Tom cannot be that good.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - yeah. not sure what I was thinking but for the fact that CBtD was great. I love the Baker clan - adore Bonnie Hunt and Steve Martin. But the screenplay sucked. Great idea but its been done - a la hatfields and mccoys, romeo and juliet, etc. I would have written a better SP. But there were comedic moments, many of them, and I cried - so I will continue to watch it over and over.

Click - Adam Sandler. I love him. Great movie. funny and poignent (sp?). He basically gets a universal remote from Christopher Walken who works in the Beyond of Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not wise. He uses it to get through the messy parts of life and what does he learn? That he misses the best parts, loses the love of his life, and dies. Good thing he sampled that Sealy!

Ultraviolet - horrifying screen play, dialog sucked, acting was sub par. The best part was ultraviolet's body. Not worth it.


DVR:

Bee Season - I watched given that I cannot get through the book, but not because it is bad but rather because I keep piling other books on tope of it. Juliet Binoche (hot), Richard Gere (was that gerbil story true), and two kids, the youngest of whom is a spelling bee champion. Cute movie. Painful movie about relationships and self awareness and reflection. Good stuff.

History of Violence - horrible. Not sure how or why it was critically acclaimed. Nice country bumpkin played by viggo morgenstern (ARAGON from lord of the rings). It didn't work until we learned he was a ruthless killer and even then it was just lame. lots of blood and gore. Nothing deep other than sometimes love allows you to have nasty sex on the staircase when your kids are in the next room, and forgive the murderous felon you call a husband.

Freedomland - Morgan Freeman and Julienne Moore. Sounds good. Jule's kid is kidnapped in the 'hood, which is patroled/controlled by detective Morgan. Black white, rich poor. Jule's brother is a cop on the right side of the tracks and racism and riotous behavior ensues. Did I mention Jule's is a reformed addict? Not to be trusted? Edie Falco plays a mom whose kid was kidnapped 10 years prior and no body ever found so now she helps locate kidnapped kids. Interestingly enough "freedomland" is perhaps the worst title since they spent about 30 seconds in Freedomland - and although a twist was revealed there, it shoudl have been named something else.

Jarhead - not sure why I watched it. It wasn't timely because it was the Gulf war and what with Iraq it seemed so passive. One stupid war for another.

Memoirs of a Geshia - the book proved painful, I maybe made it through 25 pages and the movie was only slightly more tolerable. Not sure how many more Geisha turned prostitute movies I can watch.


Movies:

Eragon - ah faithful readers you know I LOVED THE BOOKS!!! Well, the movie was just horrible. The only good part was the pleck and I shared a love for the books and waited patiently for the third book and movie. Pleck missed both of course. So, I go, watch the movie and there are parts that were good. Casting for Galbatorix was great - John malcovich, and Brahm (I forget his name). Otherwise, not so great. The Elf wasn't even an elf - it was like casting a comedian to play a Vulcan for god sake. They ruined the books. Well maybe ruin is harsh. Maybe they are saving themselves for movie 2. Doubt it. Pirates of the Caribbean can get away with a lame sequel but that is because 1 rocked and 3 should be awesome. This one - they just jumped on the bandwagon. It is not Harry nor Lord of the rings. Just bad job.

Night at the Museum - cute, kids movie with Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Robin Williams, maybe a Gilmore Girl? Anyway, Ben is sort of an unemployed deadbeatish dad who needs a JOB - he gets a job working the night shift at the Natural Museum, taking over for Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney (wasn't he dead) and someother old dude. Of course the Museum came alive at night - the t-rex, the diarama people, sacaguea, etc. Everything was alive. Good effects. Ther ewas a few minutes when I fell asleep pretty hard but I woke in time for a good ending. I cried. Bring the kids.

Pursuit of Happyness - Will Smith. THE BOMB! He needs a golden globe for this as does his son. Thandie Newton, whom I love, is also good but despiseable. The whole movie is about the pursuit of happiness and how really by saying the pursiut it means that happiness is not attainable and the only thing we can really do is pursue it. Depressing. The entire movie was one painful situation after another. Anxiety ridden, I waited for the end to come, for the happiness. You should definitely wait for it and watch that movie. Great.


TV:
1. Kerry is off Er - wah! sarcasm.
2. there is a new show called Grease is the Word which allows us, as viewers, to choose the next Grease Broadway cast. Why do I find out about these things too late. Hello RIZZO!!
3. L Word - the show I love to hate - starts on Sunday at 10pm! Yippee!

I will not be trifled with!

Happy New Year My Peeps! Another year is gone! It was a good and painful year. I wish some of the people we lost were still with us. But no matter how hard we try, who we pray to, or how much we love - we cannot obliterate death. Fate has a way of changing the direction of our lives, putting us on a different path, giving us some bumps, new people enter, loved ones leave. We laugh, cry, suffer, grieve. But we persevere.

We do remain, mostly, masters of our Fate and twisters of our souls - we have the best intentions of changing our patterns, decisions, and lives. We all had the best intentions in 2006, 1999, 1982, and probably every year of our lives to adhere to the resolutions we make, all those things that we believe will change our life for the better. Most involve conforming to notions of body image (joining a gym is not the same as going to the gym); sin (I will not covet my neighbor's wife, envy my friend's 65 mustang, or stick my face in a bag of peanut M&Ms in a gluttonous fashion); and self help (why do I spend so much money, and I should be heart smart, eat more oatmeal and less crap).

Whatever your resolutions, make sure they are about you and no one else. Knowing yourself is far more powerful in the great scheme of things than changing yourself to fit someone else's mold - someone else's notions of who you are or who you should be. Figure it out in 2007. Dump the losers - don't take the crap - and love and respect yourself.

My personal motto for 2007 is "I will not be trifled with!" We'll see where it takes me.

May peace, love, serenity, health, happiness, and laughter find a home in your soul in 2007.

Kar